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Monty Python: Return of the King

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Hstaphath_XC:


[Before our feature film, we would like to mention that several names in this tale have been changed to protect the innocent. For example, Grima Wormtongue is now known as Martha Stewart...]

Narrator: From atop his tower of Orthanc, Saruman surveys the flooded and broken ruin of what was once his formidable domain of Angrenost.



[music]

Saruman: [singing]
  Why are we here? What's zis all about?
  Is Aragorn ze heir, or is zere some doubt?
  Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out,
  For, tonight, it's ze Return of ze King.

  In zis 'tale', what is my fate?
  Are zese Ents really annoyed-a? May I debate?
  Do I ever get ze one ring, or is it too late?
  Well, tonight, here's ze Return of ze King.

  In zis game of power I'm trapped on ze board,
  Leaving me stuck here wizout much of a say.
  While Rohan had fun with ze dimwitted horde,
  Of my uruk-cows to slay.  Slay, slay, slay, slay, slay, slay.

  What's ze point of all zese jokes?
  Why does Hstaphath do zis a third time? What if he chokes?
  Well, perhaps, it's all 'cause we kidnapped his folks.
  Yes, ca c'est le Return of ze King.



  For thousands, zis 'tale' is a lifelong dream,
  It's true zis epic trilogy is certainly here to stay.
  Though ze purists and fanboys will all yell out a scream,
  When asked, "are Frodo and Samwise gay?" Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!?!

  So, is ze ring-- ze ring, is it near?
  And just what-- what-- what-- does-a Sauron fear?
  Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
  For zis is ze Return of ze King. C'est le Retour du Roi.
  Zis is ze Return of ze King!

[And now, without any further gilding of the lily, we present our main feature.]

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents

J.R.R. Tolkien's: Return of the King



J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Rëtursøn uv den Kungån

Written by:
Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp
Røten nik Akten Di

For those just tuning in, please start with these:

Hstaphath_XC:
Return of the King: Scene 1

A Journey to Remember

Narrator: Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee continue their arduous journey, their encounter with Faramir long behind them.  With water and food in short supply, tempers and wits start to fray. With each step, the creature Gollum (once, long ago, known as Smeagol) leads them closer to Mordor... and into a deadly trap.



Sam: I hate to complain, Mr. Frodo, but Gollum's singing to himself is pushing me past my breaking point.
Frodo: What's that Sam? I hardly notice now, is he still singing about bling-bling or whatever?
Sam: I haven't heard that one since yesterday morning. No, actually, he's back to singing the blues again.
Frodo: Oy! Sorry Sam, you'll just have to bear with it.

Narrator: Hiding under a dense cover of trees and brush, Frodo, Sam, and Gollum cower as a foul winged horror flies overhead bearing a dread ring-wraith. The screeching of the flying beast and the Nazgul's cries of "Ni!" eventually fade in the distance.



Gollum: Come on, master. The nasssty flying one is gone-- Gollum-gollum! We must move fast, yesss, we must.
Frodo: These encounters with winged riders slow our progress and bode ill for our mission.
Sam: Well, those beasties the black riders are flying now have had me thinking, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Oh? What about, Sam?
Sam: I think Gandalf could have saved us all this trouble by destroying the ring in scene 8 of "Fellowship."
Frodo: Say what?
Audience Members: What?!
Tolkien: WHAT?!?
Sam: Hear me out now, you might not remember much about Gandalf arriving at Elrond's place after he escaped from Saruman.
Frodo: [wincing in pain at the memory] Indeed, I was delirious from being wounded by the Nazgul at weathertop.
Sam: Right, well, he arrived on this huge eagle (a northern one, mind you!) by the name of Gwaihir the Winglord or some such.
Frodo: Yes, yes, we have heard plenty enough about eagles during our journey. What has that got to--
Sam: I'm getting to it, I'm getting to it! Anyway, as I reckon it, the ring-wraiths were still using black horses at the time. They don't seem to have gotten themselves these flying beasties until recently.
Frodo: Yes... and?
Sam: --and that means Gandalf could have had this eagle friend of his fly you and him straight to Mordor, chucked the ring into the fires of Mount Doom, and been out of there before Sauron knew what had even happened.



Frodo: No way!
Audience Members: WHAT?!?!!!
Tolkien: DOH!!!
Sam: Look at the facts, Mr. Frodo. With the ring-wraiths on horses, Sauron still relatively weak, and Mordor sadly lacking in anti-eagle defenses, it would have been a piece of cake for Gandalf.
Frodo: But... but...
Tolkien: [thunk]
Sam: A piece of cake, I'm telling ya'.
Frodo: But... what if, say, Gwaihir couldn't fly all the way to Mordor, Sam? Northern eagles don't migrate, you know.
Tolkien: [slam]
Sam: I thought of that, but I overheard the eagle promise Gandalf that he and his fellows would be at the upcoming battle with Sauron. Seeing as how that looks to be happening down here around Gondor or Mordor anyway, he must have known he would be coming here eventually.
Frodo: Right... so why didn't he just go ahead and get it over with... I see your point, Sam.
Tolkien: [crash]
Sam: You do?
Frodo: Yes. And, henceforth, you are not allowed to talk to me for the rest of the trip.
Sam: Oh.
Tolkien: [thud]

Hstaphath_XC:
Return of the King: Scene 2

Pippin and the Palantir

Narrator: Dark shapes move in the night. Two slight figures, barely perceptible amongst the darkness of the moon cast shadows, make their way through a sleeping camp of Rohirrim towards some secret goal.



Narrator: Having attained their prize, the two furry footed pranksters plot their next course of action.

Pippin: Oh, I know! Let's call for Mr. I. P. Freely this time.
Merry: Nah, to obvious, Pip... how 'bout Heywood U. Cuddleme?
Pippin: Heh... good one! Or what about having Sauron ask if anyone is Homer Sexual?!
Merry: Haha-- yes! That should be even better than when you got him to ask if anyone had seen Mike Rotch last night!
Pippin: Ha ha! Oh yeah! I'll bet his flamin' red eye is still smoldering from that--
Gandalf: ALRIGHT, WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?!?



Merry and Pippin: Nothin'!
Gandalf: Reeeeaaally?! That wouldn't happen to be my bag containing a certain Palantir that you are hiding behind you, would it?
Pippin: N--nooo, of course not!
Gandalf: A seeing-stone of Eldamar is not a toy, using it would be disastrous!
Merry: Using it... would... oh no--
Pippin: Easy now Merry! Heh. So let's just suppose, Gandalf, say, that someone DID use it...
Merry: Yes... just suppose, by accident, maybe--
Pippin: Yeah, right, by accident, of course!
Gandalf: Then I should say one would have to suppose that they have alerted the most powerful evil presence on Middle Earth to exactly where they are and what they are doing.
Merry: Oh.
Pippin: Oh...
Gandalf: And, let's just suppose, that this certain someone has in any way annoyed a dark lord capable of sending a horde of several hundred thousand Orcs after them... well, that's just "supposing" of course.
Merry: Right, just supposing...
Gandalf: We should also suppose that if Sauron made, even as unlikely as it is, any "threats" to the poor unfortunate individual who "accidentally" annoyed him... let's just say that wretched pitiful fool can count on each and every one of them to be carried out in excruciating detail.
Pippin: Ummm... ya' know... I'm really not feeling so well...
Merry: What a coincidence, Gandalf, that you found us! We had just discovered this bag that looks like yours... and-- and we were going to take it straight to you.
Pippin: Oh! Yes, yes, of course we were! We thought you might get some silly idea that we had somehow had something to do with having it appear over here, though, and--
Merry: Yes, naturally, and we were just discussing how the best way to return it to you would be when you walked up--
Pippin: Right!
Merry: Right!
Gandalf: Oh, really?
Merry and Pippin: Oh yeah, of course!
Gandalf: Splendid! And here I had gone and gotten worried for nothing...
Pippin: Don't be silly, here let me just get it for-- AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[Pippin's hand comes into contact with the crystal surface of the Palantir]



Sauron: Ah-hah! Now I've got you!
Pippin: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Sauron: Yes, you little git now I'm going to-- Holy Hell's Grannies!!!
Pippin: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Sauron: You're a ruddy-- a ruddy HOBBIT! And you're with that meddler Mithrandir?!?
Pippin: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Sauron: Then you must be-- must have-- WHERE IS MY RING?!??!
Pippin: AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHH!!!
Sauron: Tell me where it is! Say it!!!
Pippin: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Sauron: Tell me or--

[thud]

Narrator: Thinking quickly, Gandalf knocks Pippin away from the seeing-stone. Slowly, the fire from within the Palantir fades to an impenetrable black once more. A crowd of anxious Rohirrim, roused from uneasy slumber by Pippin's screams, has gathered around the scene of the commotion.

Merry: Pippin!!!
Pippin: AARGH-- AAALBATROSS!
Gandalf: What?
Merry: Pippin, speak to me!
Pippin: Albatross!
[Gandalf looks closely into Pippin's eyes]
Gandalf: It's to late... Sauron has fried his brain.
Pippin: Albatross!
Merry: Noooooooo!!!
Gandalf: I'm afraid so.
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: All that is left of our dear friend and companion is but an empty shell--
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: An empty shell with a fixation most fowl, it would seem.
Merry: Pippin, please!  Talk to me!
Pippin: Albatross!
Merry: Do you not recognize me? It's me, Pip... It's your ol' pal Merry. Remember the good times... remember when we used to go get iced milk with Estella and Diamond on a hot summer's day?
Pippin: Albatross!
Gandalf: It's no use Merry...
Merry: Please, Pip! You would always tease Estella for eating your little wafers that we would get with the iced milk--
Pippin: Albatross-- you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a ruddy sea bird! Albatross!



[A dark shadow seems to pass from Pippin's eyes]
Merry: Pippin! Yes! Come back to us!
Pippin: Wha-- why am I screaming "albatross?"
Gandalf: How can this be?!
Merry: Something happened when you touched the stone ball, Pip.
Pippin: Give me half a moment... I think I'll be okay.
Gandalf: Pippin, how could you have survived having every cell in your mind imploded?!
Pippin: But I didn't, I mentally got away at the last minute.
Gandalf: How?!
Pippin: Well, I'll tell you.
[music]
Gandalf: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
Gandalf: Shut up!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell!...
Gandalf: Not like that!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
Gandalf: Stop it!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell!...
Gandalf: SHUT UP!
Rohirrim: (singing) He's going to tell about his great escape...
Gandalf: Not like that!  No!
Rohirrim: (singing) Oh, how Sauron had him by the nape...
Gandalf: Now shut up I say! Not like that! No! Stop it!
[crash]
Gandalf: Right. That's just too silly. Besides, Pippin's vocal number isn't until scene 6!
Rohirrim: (whining) Awwww...
Merry: What do we do now, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Well, suffice to say that Sauron is sending everything he's got after Pippin. Orcs, Nazgul, telemarketers... the whole lot.
Pippin: Ugh! Why does my mouth taste like... albatross?
Gandalf: I am therefore going to take Pippin and the Palantir with me on Shadowfax and ride like all heck to Gondor. Perhaps, the Valar willing, behind the stout walls of Minas Tirith I can keep our infamous Peregrin Took out of trouble for more than 5 measly minutes!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip. I promise you that you will see the Shire again some day!
Pippin: No worries, Merry, except maybe the fact that I've never HAD albatross. You wouldn't happen to have a breath mint, would you?
Merry: You know, maybe it's just that you didn't have any brains for Sauron to cook--
Gandalf: Enough! Farewell and follow fast-- Away Shadowfax!

Hstaphath_XC:
Return of the King: Scene 3

The Muster of Rohan

Narrator: The rapid departure of Gandalf further amplifies the anxiety of the Rohirrim mustering at Dunharrow. The great battle of this age draws near at hand and Theoden King vows to equip and train every man of Rohan capable of holding a spear or sword.

Theoden: Our time to prepare grows short, Gamling. When the time comes to depart, we will not be waiting for any stragglers.
Gamling: Yes, sire, of course.
Theoden: Well, don't just stand there, let's get our inspection tour over with and get some tea.
Gamling: Right! Make way for Theoden King!



[Theoden passes by a group of young Rohirrim training for battle]

Theoden: Get some discipline into those chaps, Eothain!
Eothain: Right sire! Good morning, men.
Rohirrim: (mumbling) Good morning.
Eothain: Where's all the others, then?
Rohirrim: They're not here.
Eothain: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
Rohirrim: Dunno.
Eomond: Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Eothain: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha-- right. Now, self-defense. Today I shall be carrying on from where we got to yesterday when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

[The group of assembled Rohirrim all start grumbling]

Framund: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit today.
Eothain: What do you mean?
Galmud: We've done fruit the last nine days.
Eothain: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Framund: Can't we do something else?
Erither: Like what if an orc attacks you with a pointed stick?
Eothain: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh... We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're walking back to your tent tonight and some great homicidal Haradrim comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your foe lunges at you with a passion fruit...
Rohirrim: We done the passion fruit.
Eothain: What?
Eomond: We done the passion fruit.
Framund: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Galmud: Whole and segments.
Framund: Pomegranates, greengages...
Eomond: Grapes, passion fruit...
Framund: Lemons...
Galmud: Plums...
Eomond: Mangoes in syrup...
Eothain: How about cherries?
Rohirrim: We did them.
Eothain: Red and black?
Rohirrim: Yes!
Eothain: All right, bananas.



[All of the Rohirrim sigh loudly]

Eothain: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against an orc armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against an orc armed with a banana. First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Framund: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Eothain: Shut up.
Erither: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Eothain: Shut up! Right, now you, Mr. Apricot.
Eomond: Eomond.
Eothain: Sorry, Mr. Eomund.  Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it.  Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on, come at me! Come at me then!

[Eothain pulls out a crossbow and shoots Eomond]

Eomond: (dies) Aaagh!
Eothain: Now, I eat the banana.
Framund: You shot him!
Galmud: He's dead!
Erither: He's completely dead!
Eothain: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Apricot, is now 'elpless.
Framund: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Eothain: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
Galmud: But you told him to.
Eothain: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
Erither: And pointed sticks.
Eothain: Shut up.
Framund: Suppose I'm attacked by an orc with a banana and I haven't got a crossbow?
Eothain: Run for it.
Galmud: You could stand and scream for help.
Eothain: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Galmud: A pineapple?
Eothain: Where? Where?
Galmud: No, no, I just said, "a pineapple."
Eothain: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
Galmud: What, on the pineapple?
Eothain: Where? Where?
Galmud: No, I was just repeating it.
Eothain: Oh. Oh, I see. Phew, right, that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. Harmless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Golden Delicious.
Galmud: Galmud.
Eothain: Galmud. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
Galmud: No.
Eothain: Why not?
Galmud: You'll shoot me.
Eothain: I won't.
Galmud: You shot Eomond.
Eothain: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
Erither: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Eothain: Shut up.  Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
Galmud: Throw the crossbow away.
Eothain: I haven't got a crossbow.
Galmud: You have.
Eothain: Haven't.
Galmud: You shot Eomond with it.
Eothain: Oh, that crossbow...
Galmud: Throw it away.
Eothain: Oh, all right then. How to defend yourself against a raspberry-- without a crossbow.
Galmud: You were going to shoot me!
Eothain: I wasn't.
Galmud: You were!
Eothain: No, I wasn't. I wasn't. Come on then, come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

[Eothain pulls a lever on a nearby post]
[CRASH]
[A 16-ton weight falls on Galmud]

Galmud: (dies) Aaagh.
Eothain: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
Framund: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Eothain: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
Framund: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?
Eothain: Look, look, look, Mr. Know-it-all. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
Erither: Like what?
Eothain: Putting a crossbow bolt through him?
Framund: Well what if you haven't got a crossbow or a 16-ton weight?
Eothain: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with red currants. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
Framund: No crossbows?
Eothain: No.
Framund: No 16-ton weights?
Eothain: No.
Erither: No pointed sticks?
Eothain: Shut up.
Framund: No avalanche of rocks?
Eothain: No.
Framund: And you won't kill us?
Eothain: I won't.
Framund: Promise?
Eothain: I promise I won't kill you. Now, are you going to attack me?
Framund and Erither: Oh, all right.
Eothain: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me... then in with the red currants! Right? Okay, start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by bloodthirsty invaders with red currants is to-- release the tiger!

[Ggggrrroooaaaawwwwlll!!!]

Rohirrim: Run AWAY!
Eothain: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe, but also the red currants. Tigers, however, do NOT relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right! Now, the rest of you. Where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well, come on, I'm ready for you!

[The tiger runs right past Theoden and Gamling]

Gamling: What in blazes was that?
Theoden: A tiger!
Gamling: What? A tiger... in Rohan?!
Theoden: Hm?
Gamling: A tiger in Rohan?!?
Theoden: No, no, NO! We are NOT going through that bit again!
Merry: Greetings, Theoden King.
Theoden: Well, hello there Master Meriadoc!
Merry: Sire, I wish to pledge my sword to you for the coming battle.



Theoden: That's very kind of you, dear little Holbytlan, but wouldn't that... well, leave you rather a bit unprotected?
Merry: Errr... well, sire, I was hopin' to be using it myself in your service.
Theoden: Oh-- honestly?
Gamling: Well, he would be good at catching any knee level dangers that may come our way.
Theoden: I suppose, but... Ah-hah! Here is a capital idea, since Eowyn will be in charge of the paltry few civilians we are leaving behind, I need someone I can trust not to get into any mischief to be her babysi-- errr... what I meant to say, of course, was to be her "bodyguard."
Gamling: Right!
Merry: With Pippin gone, your lordship, I think I can say I've got at least a 50-50 shot at staying out of trouble.
Theoden: Splendid, it is settled!
Gamling: Let's go get you some armor, King's Esquire Meriadoc, and tell Eowyn the good news.

[Distant screams]

[The tiger runs past going the other direction]

Merry: (mumbling as he watches the tiger go by) So, I'm to be stuck on the boring sidelines... Pippen is such a lucky wanker!

Hstaphath_XC:
Return of the King: Scene 4

Mordor Unleashed

Narrator: On the east side of the river Anduin, in the blasted misshapen ruins of once proud Osgiliath, Sauron marshals his forces for the assault on the world of men.



Orcs:  (talking and mumbling)
Nagrat: Now, whose turn is it to go on patrol?
All Orcs: Not mine!
Nagrat: Come on, now. It's not like we're sending you all out to get slaughtered at once. Now, uh, Mazhug, Horkhuth, Oghared, Brogagh, Raguk, Alog, Kertug, Wogiug, Sgok, Quomaugh, Mugarod, Egnaurd, Argha, Dalthu, and Sunadagh, it's your duty rotation.
Selected Orcs: Aww, Nagrat!
Nagrat: Now, don't argue! Lauhgog, Arpigig, Naugraf, Ulmagha, Surbag, Nornuogh,--
Guthakug: Wait! I've got something to tell the whole clan.
Nagrat: Oh, quick. Go bring the others in, Karguk.
Orcs:  What could it be, eh?  Shhh...



Guthakug: The command is given! There's no way out of it. We attack.
Orcs: (talking frantically)
Guthakug: Come on, gather 'round. I've got no option but to lead you all in desperate battle.
Orcs: (whining)
Guthakug: No, no. That's the way it is, my ugly ones. Blame the dark lord for not letting me get us assigned to the national guard. Oh, he's done some wonderful things in his time. Sauron preserved the malfeasance and depravity, the power of diabolical evil in Middle Earth, and the inequitableness of might makes right, but if he'd have let me get us posted at a cushy guard tower on the far east side of Mordor, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
Karguk: But we barely outnumber Gondor 10 to 1... we're going to get massacred!
Raguk: Couldn't you have just put us all on sick-call?
Guthakug: The Eye knows all, Raguk, he would see through such a cheap trick!
Nagrat: Ehhh, he's right. We just have to play the part we've been cast, lads.
Guthakug: You see, in this genre--
[piano music]
Guthakug: Well, let me put it like this.
  (singing)
  There is evil in Middle Earth.
  There are ogres.
  There are dragons and trolls, and then...
  There are uruk-cows that follow Saruman, but--
  I've never seen one of them.
[music]
  I'm an orc of Mordor,
  And have been since the day I was hatched,
  And the one thing the big eye tells me is:
  We've got ourselves a ring needing snatched!



  You don't have to dress fancy.
  You don't have to have any style.
  You don't have to ever take a bath, no, you're...
  An orc that puts the "ill" in "vile!"
  Because,
  Every orc is revolting.
  Our smell will nauseate.
  When orcs die like lemming',
  The Eye gets quite irate.
All Orcs: We are all revolting.
  We can't dodge our fate.
  And when we die like lemming',
  The Eye gets quite irate.
Dismembered Orc: So elves and men may kill us,
  On the battleground...
  Sauron shall make them pay when,
  His precious ring is found.
Young Orcs: Every orc is required.
  Every orc and clan.
  Every orc is needed,
  In our dark lord's plan.
Nagrat: Our quality control,
  Shows something just ain't right,
  When it takes a bloody two dozen orcs,
  Just to kill one knight!
Male Orcs: Every orc is revolting.
[clunk]
  Our smell will nauseate.
Female Orcs: When orcs die like lemming'...
Young Orcs: ...The Eye gets quite irate.
Guthakug: Every orc is wretched.
Karguk and Raguk: Every orc and clan.
Nazgul: Every orc is needed...
Sauron: ...IN MY BATTLE PLAN!



Young Orcs: Every orc is hideous.
    Every orc's filthy.
Guthakug: But Sauron needs every one of us.
Karguk: Me!
Raguk: And me!
Dismembered Orc: And me!
[Orc tap dancing]
Nagrat: Let the Witch-King send us,
  O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
Cave Trolls: The big Eye shall twist his balls for,
  Each orc that's killed in vain.
All of Mordor: Every orc is required.
  Every orc and clan.
  Every orc is needed,
  In our dark lord's plan.
[Mount Doom erupts in fire]
  Every orc is revolting.
  Their smell will nauseate.
  When orcs die like lemming',
  The Eye... gets... quite... iraaaaate!

Narrator: Arriving at Minas Tirith, Gandalf and Pippin notice the fires on the eastern horizon raging up from Orodruin. Seeing the billowing clouds of dark smoke puring forth into the sky and spreading towards them, they pause for a moment to contemplate just what this dread omen foretells.

Gandalf: It would appear we have arrived just in time.
Pippin: Yes, wonderful. The whole host of Mordor should be here soon after our hides. At least Merry will get to live through this... the lucky wanker.

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