Dynaverse.net
Taldrenites => Dynaverse II Experiences => Topic started by: Sirgod on February 07, 2006, 06:08:50 am
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
.
Stephen
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:lol:
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
:rofl:
Lionel Hutz approves of this thread.
(http://www.wunderkraut.com/art/hutz.jpg)
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Man, that is the funniest stuff i have ever read !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKS
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hahahaha
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My wife and I both thank you for lifting our spirits.
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:rofl:
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Maybe I should dig out my collection of lawyer jokes as a supplement to this...
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The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
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Weak. There are so many more.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Rottweiler (Doberman, German Shepherd, Pitbull...Take your pick.)
Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call 50 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet. (Pull!...*BLAM!*)
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why won't a shark (pirahna, crocodile, etc...) bite a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: You find three lawyers up to their necks in cement; what do you do?
A: Pour more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake!