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XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents
J.R.R. Tolkien's: Lord of the Rings (plus the Hobbit)
Super Duper Special Extended DVD Collection
(http://www.xenocorp.net/h_bardcorner/images/mprotkfinis_01.jpg)
J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Hërre uv den Råingengärna (också dën Høbitsån)
Tøppën Otrølig Spëciell Utsträckt DTA Insåmling
Bonus Features
With:
Deleted scenes, bloopers, commentary, behind the scene footage,
and other extras spanning all 4 of these epic parodies.
Wik
Written by:
James Haines
(aka: Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp)
Røten nik Akten Di
Find out the awful fate that befell the "Burn the Witch!" skit as Hstaphath attempted to work it in to each of the 4 movies! Hear at last the song parodies that ended up on the cutting room floor! Discover the story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle of 5 armies! Listen to how Guv Ronjar "never wanted to be a commentator anyway!" All this and more because Hsta's teenage daughter thought it sounded like a great idea* when they were talking while watching the bonus material of Peter Jackson's lesser known versions of the tale!
*We very much suspect that the vast amount of eggnog she had inhaled while watching the movies with her father had something to do with that...
Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features
Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7a
Frodo of the Shire (Behind the Scene Footage)
Kieran Forester: ...which is pretty strong rhetoric there from the blogosphere who are saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in this case the Twilight movie series and it's fan base of teenage girls, must destroy us all. That was for A. Smith, J. Haynes, R. Haynes and S. Ferret of Arlington. Later on, we're going to take a look at Quentin Tarantino's latest movie, "Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads" but now we look ahead. On Tuesday, Guv Ronjar took a Rings of Power film unit to the location where XenoCorp Pictures is shooting their latest epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring".
(cut to Guv Ronjar standing with his back to a pier with a few oblivious elderly vacationers walking around behind him)
Guv Ronjar: Sea, sand and sunshine make Tybee Island the gem of the Georgia coastline. But for the next six months this low-key seaside resort will be transformed into the hilly and wooded terrain of Eriador in Middle-earth. For today shooting starts on the epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring", produced by Admiral Frey Petermeier.
(Ronjar walks over to Frey)
Frey: Hello.
Guv Ronjar: Frey, you chose Tybee as the location for Fellowship.
Frey: Right, right.
Guv Ronjar: Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no lush green forest here?
Frey: Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Forestex, which is a newly developed environmentally friendly foam rubber which actually on screen looks more like a forest than real trees...
(cut to a shot of work crews nailing and sticking brown and green foam rubber over things while other workers are painting the sand with green paint)
Frey: ...and 1,600 cubic furlongs of green paint, with a special mossy finish.
Guv Ronjar: And I hear that Liv Tyler is playing the role of Arwen.
Frey: That is correct. We were very thrilled and honored when Liv agreed to play the part of Arwen Evenstar...
(cut to Liv Tyler who is wearing a leather bikini/armor outfit and is having pointed ears stuck on while glitter is applied all over her body)
Frey: ...because a star of her magnitude can pick and choose, but she read the script and just flipped... or was it when she heard that Viggo Mortensen was playing the role of Strider and that a lot of ear fondling and snogging would be going on... hmmm...
(cut back to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar)
Frey: And behind the camera we have a very fine young director, Hstaphath, who's also been writing the screenplay, of course... Hsta?
(Hstaphath rushes into foreground)
Hstaphath: Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello. Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh-- this is really great. I mean... it's really saying something, don't you think?
Guv Ronjar: Have you started shooting yet?
Hstaphath: Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great-- great.
Guv Ronjar: What is the first scene that you will shoot this morning?
Hstaphath: Great. Terrific. Oh, it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's general distaste of short people and leaves a lot of sacred cows, particularly persons known as Tolkienites, rolling around in agony-- have a drink, have a drink.
Guv Ronjar: But which scene are you shooting first, Hsta?
Hstaphath: Yes, great. Oh, marvelous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What? (to Ronjar) It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it is now. I rewrote it. (calls out) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that and replace it with a narrative interlude?
Frey: No, we didn't.
Hstaphath: We didn't. Oh-- great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling out) Scene one is back in, everyone. Scene one is back in. Great. Great. (to Ronjar) This is the scene where-- after the Nazgul attack on Weathertop... it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you just want to throw up.
(cut to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar on the beach)
Frey: Now in this scene we have Aragorn, still travelling under the name Strider, trying to save the hobbit Frodo who has just been stabbed with a Morgul blade by the evil witch king.
Hstaphath: Places! Let's run it through once, people.
(cut to Strider and 3 hobbits kneeling on the green painted sand next to a delirious Frodo)
Sam: Mr. Frodo? (to Strider) He’s going cold!
Strider: He is passing into the shadow world... Sam, do you know of the Athelas plant?
Sam: Athelas?
Strider: Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil... aye, that's a weed!
Strider: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!
Hstaphath: (rushing in) Great, great.
Strider: What? What are you saying?
Hstaphath: I was just saying great, great. Cue Arwen.
(a beautiful scantily clad elf maiden with long brown hair comes into the shot riding a majestic white horse)
Hstaphath: Great, yes. Great. Keep it going.
(Arwen rides up behind Strider and towers over him since she is on a large horse and he is kneeling down beside Frodo)
Frey: And that is Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins, by the way.
Guv Ronjar: The hobbit?
Frey: No-- not "the" hobbit, but that hobbit at any rate.
Guv Ronjar: Ummm... right.
(Arwen leans down and is barely able to tap Strider on the shoulder with her sword)
Arwen: Oh, I've forgotten my line.
Hstaphath: What's her line? What's her line?!
(Annie, Hstaphath's assistant, runs in with the script)
Annie: It's "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"
Arwen: Oh, yes. "What's this? A ranger? A ranger cau--" oh, I'm just not happy with this line. Could I just say "What's all this?"
Hstaphath: Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Arwen: "What's all that?" Oh, sorry. "Where's this?" Oh-- I'm sorry again. Oh, Hsta. I'm just very unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, like... (goes berserk waving her sword above her head) "Whaaazup?!"
Hstaphath: Great! We'll shoot it.
Strider: Are you sure that's right?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's great.
(Frey walks into the shot)
Frey: Hsta.
Hstaphath: Hsta? Hsta??? Oh-- me!
Frey: Hsta... I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
Hstaphath: Great! Where are they?
Frey: Where are who?
Hstaphath: I don't know. I was getting confused.
Frey: Hsta, I feel here that Arwen may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Strider who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.
Hstaphath: Great... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Arwen's horse and put a few boxes under Frodo and Strider.
Strider: Say, why don't I just stand up and we have Arwen get off of her high horse?
Hstaphath: It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Arwen: What was that?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Strider stands up and you get down from the horse.
Arwen: I say my lines off of the horse?
Hstaphath: Even better. Great.
Arwen: But I've never acted without being on a horse. I could get trampled. It's dangerous.
Hstaphath: Oh-- well... Liv, darling, could you just try it?
Arwen: Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a bazillion dollars to act while just standing around! I played Miss Jewel Valentine in "One Night at McCool's" while on a horse, I played Miss Faye Dolan in "That Thing You Do" on a horse, and I played Miss Grace Stamper in "Armageddon" riding a Clydesdale on a rickety offshore oil rig so if you want this scene played out with Arwen off her horse, well... you better just get yourself a goddamn stunt woman. (gallops off in a huff) I played Miss Lucy Harmon in "Stealing Beauty" on a bloody Shetland pony and I am set to play Miss Betty Ross while riding the incredible hulk, so don't...
Hstaphath: Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.
Frey: But you haven't done a shot.
Hstaphath: Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)
(later that evening)
Frey: Now this evening we're going to shoot the scene where Strider grabs a torch and sword to fight off the Nazgul when he sees a tiger and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes "pssssssssshhh" in slow motion.
Guv Ronjar: But there aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: What?
Guv Ronjar: There aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: You're right. There are no tigers in Eriador. That's ridiculous... whoever heard of a tiger in Eriador. Right. Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Got to keep the tiger. It's great!
Frey: Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Great. We're losing the tiger. Rewrite. Lose the tiger everyone. That's fantastic... I'll use it at the battle of Helm's Deep.
Strider: What's this about losing the tiger?
Frey: Well, Mr. Mortensen, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the tiger a little bit.
Strider: (loudly) Why?
Frey: Well, Viggo, there are apparently no tigers in Eriador.
Strider: (shouting) I get to fight the tiger!
Frey: It would be silly.
Strider: Listen, I gotta fight the tiger. That's what this guy Aragorn is all about. I know. I've studied him already.
Frey: But this is a woodland setting... why couldn't you fight a rabbit?
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over)
Strider: Fight a rotten bunny?!
Frey: It needn't be a little rabbit. It can be the most foul, bad tempered bunny you've ever seen. A berserker crazed bloodthirsty rabbit that can leap twenty feet high with sharp cruel teeth that rips flesh and bone... yeah, yeah... and when it chews someone's head off the blood can go spurting "psssssshhhh" in slow motion.
Strider: The tiger is in the contract.
(pause)
Frey: He fights the tiger.
Hstaphath: Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the rabbit. Stand by to shoot. (falls over)
Frey: Where do they have tigers?
Guv Ronjar: Rhun, I think.
Frey: That's it. The fellowship travels through Rhun. We can have as many tigers as we need, then.
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over and fails to get back up this time)
Frey: They are taking a route to Mordor that no one else would ever suspect. That ties in with the sand as well. Right. (shouting) Paint the beach yellow again!
(Hstaphath starts twitching violently while laying face down in the green sand)
Frey: Okay, let's get this show on the road. Monty Python: The King's Return of the Fellowship of the Hobbit's Ring to the Two Towers of Rhun!
Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features
The Two Towers: Narrative Interlude
Calling Sauron Redux (Blooper Reel)
Narrator: It is night once more in Barad-dur. The flaming eye of Sauron rests uneasy atop his black tower. The lack of any word from Saruman troubles him and his dread Nazgul Who Say "Ni" have yet to report back on what has gone amiss. Disrupting these troubling thoughts, he hears a call coming in on his Palantir.
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Sauron: Hello?
Deep Voice: Hi, I'm calling for Mr. Wiener. First name is Drew with a middle initial of P.
Sauron: Uh, Drew P. Wiener?
Deep Voice: Yes, is he there?
Sauron: (sighing) Hold on...
(Sauron's voice blares out once more throughout the land of Mordor)
Sauron: Hey, attention everyone, do I have a Drew P. Wiener out here?!
Orcs: Haw haw heh! Oh, haw haw haw haw!
Sauron: Oh, will somebody please frickin' check to see if I have a Drew P. Wiener or not!
Deep Voice: Maybe you should get yourself a real girlfriend rather than surfing the Palantir so much! Ha haaa ha ha!
Sauron: What?!? It's you again isn't it, you little runt?! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch my trolls kick the crap outta you, okay?! Then I'm going to use your head for a bucket, your tongue for a brush, and your brains to paint my--
[click]
Pippin: Ha ha! Oh yes--
Frey: No, no, no.
Hstaphath: Cut! What do you mean, It's great!
Frey: Seriously now... "Droopy Wiener" and "surfing the Palantir?"
Merry: We came up with that ourselves!
Hstaphath: Oh, it's no problem. Have a drink. We'll sort it out on the floor.
Frey: Well, I'm sorry but it just isn't working for me.
Pippin: You don't have to be an ass about it.
Frey: I'm not being an ass about it, you two are!
Merry: At least we are little asses about it compared to you being a big ass about it!
Pippin: Yeah, a huge ass-- wait a tick... HUGH JASS!!!
Merry: Oh, that's brilliant!
Hstaphath: Right-- places everyone.
Frey: Doesn't sound like much of an improvement.
Hstaphath: Take 23... and... action!
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[clack]