Topic: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation  (Read 34567 times)

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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #140 on: January 08, 2008, 09:57:27 am »
Wow.  Dramatic, in keeping with the rest of the story.  A believable ending.  I can see the new cultural influences have been good for you. 

I've been thinking a lot on whether you can call it Trek and if so, how.  I looked at classic storytelling to come up with my ideas.  First, it started off normally enough.  Then it slowly headed into strangeness what with the Starship Seal Society and its duels and its consort.  Then it added 'magic' with the mural in the study/lair.  Then even more with the arrival of Iblis and the mythological facets.  Nice, by the way, that you used Iblis, Aion, and Angel(a) from different religions to make a world myth instead of just a singular culture's one.  Finally into the castle where reality as we know it just completely vanished.  Clever use of Acasja's name, too.

So how to make this trek...  You go back there.  Frodo returned to the shire and it was still the shire.  It's the trip to faerie and back that makes the fairy tale.  So, return to the trek universe and you really do have a Federation Fairy Tale.  It's a pity you can't make the beginning chapters longer to establish the reality first.  So now I can say the freighter part, the boot camp beginning at the academy, were all necessary.  Anyway, that's my thoughts on the matter.

Kadh, waiting for the epilogue.
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #141 on: January 08, 2008, 07:19:04 pm »
I shall reply soon. Much to do tonight.

--guv
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #142 on: January 11, 2008, 10:39:15 pm »
Kadh: glad you liked the finale.  The story has been very much influenced by Australia and Asia, or at least I have been so.  Keeping it Trekish in the way you suggest is what the epilogue tries to do.  Whether it succeeds or not is up to you.  At the least it returns to a normal reality. 

Guv: np.  I'd rather write my own stuff than read others' anyway.

I've also thought about the way the last chapter turned out, especially the fight sequence which is what got lost and rewritten.  It reminds me now of how my transition from youth to adult came very swiftly.  I finished school, without going to university, and soon thereafter met someone with whom I thought I was in love, got married and moved to America.  I found I could stay a child, a china doll, or I could be an adult and have an independent personality.  And I didn't have a long time to make the decision:  the pressure to stay as I had been was very great.  So there you have the element of 'me' in the story.
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #143 on: January 11, 2008, 10:41:47 pm »
And now for the conclusion of Calyx...

Epilogue: NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT ANYMORE

The beautiful arches that marked the entrance to Starfleet Academy shone in the morning sun.  Brigade Captain Thomas Applebaum stood on his favourite balcony overlooking the Cathedral.  He looked at the Federation Seal on the façade of the chapel and shook his head slowly.  He made his way down, through the midshipmen and towards the academic buildings.

"There he goes.  I heard Captain Applebaum was injured.  Is he okay?"  "Captain, how are you today?"  Tommy returned the greetings with a casual nod, but did not speak.  "Aww.  There he goes again."  "He's mighty stand-offish lately.”  “Just not his old self since he got hurt last month." 

Commander Kevin Simon was wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt as he led the boxing team on a morning jog.  He caught sight of the Captain passing by and stepped out of line to talk to him.  "There you are.  Hold up a sec, Tommy.  Your name is still listed on the boxing team but your body hasn't shone up for practice since you got injured.  You never said how you got hurt.  I bet you were chasing some girl's skirt, huh?"  He shook his head sadly as his friend walked away without answering.  "Tommy?"

Lieutenant Julie Tyler stopped the captain a moment later.  Lt. Commander Zoppi was with her.  "Tommy, we never see you.  How long are you going to neglect your official duties?"

"The spring games are coming up," Mickey said, suggesting the least important task he could think of.  "Who's to recite the opening pledge?"

Tommy shrugged.  "You guys decide."

Julie brushed a finger against her chin in thought.  "A girl, perhaps.  A striking beauty.  And she should be athletic.  A popular student."

Mickey just stared at her.  "Around here?  Never seen anyone like that."  The Captain looked at them in surprise and sighed.

"C’mon Tommy," Julie began, "you know all the girls on campus.  Don't you have someone... in mind?"  He was walking away from them.

An older man in admiral’s uniform walked past.  They both stood to attention.  "Good Morning, Commandant Acton, you look well today," Mickey said.  He stopped to speak to them and Tommy turned back to watch as he made some point, gesturing with his index finger.

Tommy continued on his slow way to the abandoned Cochrane Hall.  He looked up to the darkened windows of the second floor, but there was no sign that anyone had ever been there.  After a while, he opened the door and entered the grand foyer.  There was no light coming from the cobweb draped chandelier.  He trudged to the darkened stairs and sat upon the bottom step.

The voices of two female midshipmen carried into the room.  "Oh look.  The door to Cochrane Hall is open.  Do you think someone moved in?"

"Are you nuts?  Cochrane Hall hasn't been used in ten years and I've heard rumours that it's haunted!"

"Really, Wanda?"

"It's true."  The two midshipmen entertained themselves with the thought a moment longer before moving away.

Tommy rose and started to climb the staircase.  Halfway up a marmoset was playing with a rubber frog.  "Geoffrey," he said and sat down beside the creature.  "She's gone.  Even from memory.  Vanished without a trace.  It’s as if she was never here.  It makes me feel so… alone.  Not even my friends remember the duels, Last Judgment, or the consort; that we went to the castle in the sky.   Or was that all some crazy dream I had?"  He pressed his hand against his forehead and closed his eyes.

The marmoset chattered harshly and he looked up.  He noticed the marmoset was wearing a tiny uniform with a gold shirt.  "Did Angela make you that uniform?"  He jumped up, raced down the stairs and bounded out the door, his eyes searching the midshipmen. 

The commandant, his friends, and several midshipmen stood in a crowd as someone recited the pledge for the spring games.  "As the spring games begin, I, Angela Oteri, pledge to ever honour sportsmanship, to always hold true..."

"Princess!" he called out and forced his way to the centre of the ring of students.

The student who was speaking stopped in mid-sentence and turned toward him.  "Ah, Captain Applebaum."  It was Angela, but wearing Acasja's uniform.  She was holding a tennis racket under one arm.

"Princess, that uniform…"

She smiled at him.  "You're the only one left who still calls me Princess."  They stood facing each other for only a moment before he hugged her.  The marmoset ran up her uniform and perched on her shoulder. 

They slipped away from the group and walked to one of the benches nearby and sat down.  Geoffrey curled up between them. "Julie and Mickey came over today and asked me to recite the opening pledge,” Angela explained.  “I wanted to give it a trial run.”

"You've changed, Princess," he said, looking at her in appreciation.  "But you, you know she was here!  I'm not the only one and for that I'm glad.”

"You must have really loved her," Angela said softly, staring straight ahead.

"Yeah," he admitted.  "Not as a man, or a woman, but as a human being.  Acasja Tilfe! So strong, charming, honest... true.  Every time she outdid me, I loved her all the more.  Will I never see her again?"

Angela looked at him thoughtfully over her shoulder, her long black hair reminded him of how she had looked in the castle.  "Lady Acasja," she said hesitantly, "is still alive."

He breathed in sharply.  "How do you know?"

She lifted her right hand and showed him the ring she wore on the second finger.  "This."

"The Starship Seal!" he gasped.

"Lady Acasja threw it to me at the very end.  This ring sealed away the power of Aion, the power to change the universe.” She continued excitedly,  “It's still right here.  The ring has yet to be used.  The universe is still waiting for the change."  As if reaching some momentous decision, she stood up and started quickly walking toward the main entrance, the main exit, of the academy.

"Princess?"

She stopped for a moment and looked back at him.  "Tell them for me that I won't be able to do the pledge.  I... I have to go."

"To go?" He echoed, and chased after her until they stood face to face again.  "Where?"

"To look for my friend Acasja."  A sudden wind made her hair billow out behind her. She smiled at him one last time, an angel's smile.   "When she and I meet once again, that is when it will begin.  This is just the start.  The universe awaits the power of Aion."  She turned away, walked through the gates. 

Ahead of her people went about living their lives singly and in pairs. Far in the distance she could see shock of pink hair; a woman in the uniform of a Starship Captain turned to glance back.  A white rose called Sutena separated them from their past: the girl in a men’s cadet uniform carrying schoolwork on her shoulder and the girl with empty eyes.  Her friend Acasja stood waiting for her. With a tender smile she took Angela in her arms at last. "And it begins with us."

THE END
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #144 on: January 13, 2008, 10:11:56 pm »
Really not the kind of ending I had pictured. I had expected an ending that allowed the ... surreal-ish anime aspect of the body of the tale to fade away in a dreamlike manner. Instead, this puts me in the mind of a tale whose real story is only just beginning. This makes me think of several 80's movies, and not in a bad way. Kind of the Never Ending Story motiff.

I really like this story. It's vastly different at the beginning than at any other point in the tale. It's fantasy setting is rich in a unique flavor that I don't think I can compare to any other work. I can reference Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland again, but even these comparisons are lacking. Your style could make for some very interesting, note worthy writing were you to get published in something similar. Keep it up.

I'm very interested in that PDF you mentioned a few pages back...

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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #145 on: January 13, 2008, 10:19:25 pm »
I see you went for the happy ending.  I was expecting something a little less clear.  Then again, I did ask if you could take it back to reality.  Nice curtain call for the main cast too.  Showing them all in their 'real' lives.  It does leave me with a few questions that I don't think it wrapped up.  What's Tommy going to do? 

Again, much applause for the success.  Very good all around.  The ending in the real world is a bit melancholy compared to the enthusiasm of the beginning.  I want the pdf now.
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #146 on: January 14, 2008, 12:07:53 am »
Guv: you may appreciate one of the other alternatives I had for the ending.  This story really would be the "Beginning" of Acasja's life, or the story of the ending of her youth.  It's meant to say that when you give up the fun things of your youth, there is a whole life ahead of you, so yes this isn't the end.
I am really glad you liked it.  Interesting comparisons.  I'm flattered.  Very flattered.

Kadh: Yes.  In the original version, Angela's vision was supposed to be more visionlike and less a showing of the future.  I considered italicising it to show that.  I also considered leaving it out. I'm still undecided on which was best.  This version finalizes that Acasja succeeded in the final battle.  The others are more vague.  Thanks on the curtain call.  Glad you noticed it.  Also notice that she says 'my friend Acasja' instead of 'Lady Acasja' too.  What's Tommy going to do?  Graduate.  Or give up.  I think he's too strong to do the latter.

Thanks for reading it to the end guys.  I'll put together the pdf and then see if I can't find someone to host it so I can let you download it.

-S

Here are the three variations on the main line of hte story:

ENDING #1: AS POSTED

"To look for my friend Acasja."  A sudden wind made her hair billow out behind her. She smiled at him one last time, an angel's smile.   "When she and I meet once again, that is when it will begin.  This is just the start.  The universe awaits the power of Aion."  She turned away, walked through the gates. 

Ahead of her people went about living their lives singly and in pairs. Far in the distance she could see shock of pink hair; a woman in the uniform of a Starship Captain turned to glance back.  A white rose called Sutena separated them from their past: the girl in a men’s cadet uniform carrying schoolwork on her shoulder and the girl with empty eyes.  Her friend Acasja stood waiting for her. With a tender smile she took Angela in her arms at last. "And it begins with us."

ENDING #2: ANGELA'S THOUGHTS

"To look for my friend Acasja."  A sudden wind made her hair billow out behind her. She smiled at him one last time, an angel's smile.   "When she and I meet once again, that is when it will begin.  This is just the start.  The universe awaits the power of Aion."  She turned away, walked through the gates. 

Ahead of her people went about living their lives singly and in pairs. Far in the distance she could see shock of pink hair; a woman in the uniform of a Starship Captain turned to glance back.  A white rose called Sutena separated them from their past: the girl in a men’s cadet uniform carrying schoolwork on her shoulder and the girl with empty eyes.  Her friend Acasja stood waiting for her. With a tender smile she took Angela in her arms at last. "And it begins with us."

ENDING #3: JUST DIALOGUE

"To look for my friend Acasja."  A sudden wind made her hair billow out behind her. She smiled at him one last time, an angel's smile.   "When she and I meet once again, that is when it will begin.  This is just the start.  The universe awaits the power of Aion."  She turned away, walked through the gates.  "And it begins with us."
« Last Edit: January 14, 2008, 01:39:59 am by Andromeda »
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #147 on: January 15, 2008, 05:14:02 am »
I like the third one the best, the middle one second best, and the top one hte least.  I think any of them will do though depending on the ending you want.  The third one has a nice simplicity to it, the second one lets you know for sure that the story is just beginning, while the first one does wrap it up best.
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #148 on: January 15, 2008, 08:55:07 pm »
Maybe it is too quick. I'll think it over as I do the editing.  Will you host the pdf for me?
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #149 on: January 15, 2008, 10:18:32 pm »
I liked #2.

--guv!
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #150 on: January 15, 2008, 10:41:02 pm »
#2 is how I oringinally meant it to be.  It is how it will probably end.
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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #151 on: January 17, 2008, 09:34:08 pm »
As I said to the Cuv, I've been busy. Sorry for not responding sooner.

Most of my opinions have been covered by others, unfortunately, so I don't have much to add.

Having Geoffrey there at the end kind of makes the fantasy a reality; most may have "forgotten" or pushed it away or whatever, but he's the proof it happened.

Reading this, something clicked. Something familiar, and definately not anime. It reminded me much of Carnivale. Being unsure at first who is good and who is bad, not knowing what each person represents, or why they are important, right up to the end; a fantasy world set in reality. Just enough of the realness (classes, friends, et al) to keep us rooted in what is supposed to be, while letting our minds wander through the elaborately woven web of fantasy.

Extremely well done.

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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #152 on: January 18, 2008, 10:41:48 pm »
Czar, thiank you for the kind words.  I'm glad to read your comments because you look for something else to compare it to first instead of anime.  Geoffrey is definitely mundane.  i could write on this story forever, I've enjoyed it so much. 

I've been thinking about it and I could certainly write about Acasja in her future.  I think the first chapter, the trip to Earth, would be a good glimpse at what she woudl be like as an adult in the real world.  I don't think anything I do will be this long.

Right now I'm rewriting the early chapters so it will be at while before I go onto something new. 

I must admiit the germ of an idea started forming earlier this morning.
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #153 on: February 06, 2008, 04:20:50 pm »
I still need somebody to host the pdf file so I can distribute it.
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Offline Vipre

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #154 on: February 06, 2008, 05:50:16 pm »
If you're just looking for something generic, I've used Mediafire before.
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #155 on: February 07, 2008, 11:05:46 am »
Send it to me.  I'll pop it up on kadh2000.com
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Calyx: A serial novel of the Federation
« Reply #156 on: February 07, 2008, 08:18:34 pm »
Thanks guys,

Kadh I'll send it to you as soon as I finish the prologue.  Can you read it and see if this is better than the original since it's rather different at the outset.
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