Oh lord why did I drink that Starbuck's coffee this late . . . .
CHAPTER TWO - Mission Impossible
"Okay J'Stimpy." *cough* "get in the simulator" Laflin said as he pointed to the simulator capsule.
"Okay, but who to I fight?" Stimpy asked as he looked at the other holo-simulator in the room.
At that point the door to the other simulator opened an a grizzled Lyran Captain stuck his head out.
"Just get yer fat ass in the simulator bitch!!" he yelled.
A low growl started to come from Stimpy's chest. Upon hearing it the much smaller Lyran just smiled and said "Go ahead, make my day."
"Captain Dizzy!" Laflin bellowed. "Quit antagonizing Space Cadet Stimpy and assume your post!"
"Cadet!" Dizzy shot back. "That ain't no cadet, and that ain't no Lyran. I know a paper pushing Mirak when I smell one!"
"Captain!! I swear if you weren't one of the last Lyran commanding officers I swear I'd . . . ." Laflin caught himself short. "Just get in the simulator and help us train him."
"Whatever." Dizzy retorted as he pulled his head back in and the door closed.
"Umm fellows." Stimpy stammered. "I assume you know about the incident when I tried out a Federation simulator."
Mog shuddered visibly.
"The Threste - Mirak Anomaly. Four years ago the Federation invited yourself, Admiral Mog and Admiral S'Cipio to a conference. At the conference, the three of you plus Commodore Jeff tried the new Federation simulators. Due to your "skills" Admiral S'Cipio, who was your wingman by the way, was killed. Or more specifically, killed by you in a simulator where the Friend or Foe protocols should have prevented that. As a result of the statistical aberration a feedback loop took out the Starbases' entire power grid, resulting in mass destruction, a loss of gravity, and some hideous lavatory issues." Laflin reported.
"That was cool wasn't it Moggy?" Stimpy said with a smile.
"We are sooo screwed" Mog said.
"Our safety protocols have been boosted 100 times. We should be fine." Laflin said.
"Alright lets get this show on the road." Carson ordered.
Stimpy then wedged his ponderous behind into the simulator and got as comfortable as a NBA center in a Yugo. He donned his helmet and soon heard Admiral Mog's voice.
"Alright Stimpy." Mog lectured. "A Lyran ship is actually very easy to fly in combat. First you need to set your power priorities."
"What are those?" Stimpy asked.
A stunned Mog replied, "your power priorities. You know what systems get power first."
"Oh that!!" Stimpy answered. "Okay, Drones 1, Drones 2, Drones 3, Drones 4, Drones 5. This seems silly, but whatever."
"WHAT!" Mog yelled. "There are no drones on a Lyran ship."
Suddenly the door to the simulator flew up and J'inn started to climb out. "NO DRONES!!" He grunted. "Are you people crazy?!"
"Get back in there." Carson growled.
"I ain't . . . My that's a nice disruptor pistol you have there Cub." Stimpy said as he climbed back in.
"Okay now when you get into battle you do the following" Mog said as the following list appeared in Stimpy's monitor:
STEP 1. Set power priorities to
1. Speed
2. ECM
3. Weapons
4. Shields
5. Tractor beams.
STEP 2. Build SSs ASAP
STEP 3 Set phaser capacitor to ½ to 3/4
"Phaser capacitor?" J'inn stammered. "What the heck is that??"
"It sets the speed power flows to your phasers. You want to slow that up a tad so that your ESG powers up faster." Mog answered.
"Ugh." J'inn grunted.
The monitor shifted and showed the following:
For fighting stupid AI captains do the following:
Set ESG to range 1. If you have two ESG hardpoints set the second one to range 0. This will create a mizia effect. After the ESGs strike fire your phaser 1s and your disruptors. Then shut of the disruptors because they suck any ways. Power that is. Then run a way. Wait about an hour or two for the ESGs to recharge and repeat.
"Okay that sounds easy. But while at distance what long range weapons do I fire?" J'inn asked.
"Erm there are none." Mog said.
"WHAT!!" J'inn yelled. "How the heck do you fight Gorn or Roms or Hydrans then!!!"
"Well for Gorn you simply go fast. But not so fast so that your ESG doesn't charge. But fast. Keep the range open. Shift the ESG capacitor to ,75. Unless you have two then set it to .76. Make sure the phaser capacitor is set to .5. Well unless it is a Sunday or a Gorn BCH. Then set it to .67. But unless there is a nebula nearby then well . . . I'm sure you understand." Mog lectured as Laflin and Carson nodded sagely.
"What the heck does Sunday have to do with it!!?" Stimpy yelled.
"We're screwed." Carson sighed.
"Look Stimpy." Mog growled. "Concentrate. Dizzy will have a Mirak MDC+. You will have a Lyran BCP+, one of our finest ships. Go get him boy!!"
The simulator started and Stimpy started hitting commands like crazy.
RED Alert.
Power priorities to 1 speed, 2 ECM, 3, weapons, 4 shields, 5 tractor.
Make a SS
Phaser capacitor to .75.
ECM to 4
Galley Orders: Baked Lyran Stew Please. Some wine would be nice too.
"J'inn!!! Erm I mean Stimpy!!" Mog voice hollered into the intercom.
"Alright alright belay the dinner command." Stimpy stated.
"Erm Moggy, why is my phaser capacitor going past the .75 mark." Stimpy asked.
"That's the way it works." Mog said.
"That's confusing. I mean if I set it to .75 shouldn't it stop at .75?"
"The point .75 is the speed of charge not the amount of charge." Mog stated.
"Then why is the slide on the amount of charge indicator?" Stimpy asked.
"IT JUST IS!!!" Mog yelled.
"But I need phasers fast!!" Stimpy whined. "What about all those drones??"
"For drones you just out run them." Mog said.
"But I gotta close to at least 3 to hit with the ESG." Stimpy said.
"Well true, you just have to time it perfectly in between drone waives. Plus use your defensive tractors and T-Bombs." Mog said
"No one can time that!!" Stimpy yelled. "Besides I can't T-Bomb if I am closing or else I'll have a downed shild facing him. Plus that nasty little beast chucks 7 drones at a time and I only have 4 defensive tractors WHICH BTW are making it so I go about as fast as a constipated turtle."
"Use an oblique angle" Mog said.
"HEY no need for nasty language." Stimpy shot back.
"Don't come head on!" Mog yelled.
"Then I'll be from behind or broadside and I'll get a drone shower!!" J'inn argued.
"Not if you do this . . ." Mog said as the monitor changed.
1. Set defensive tractors on full (4)
2. Come in at a slightly oblique angle.
3. Set Repel tractor to 3. 4 if dealing with Fluf.
4. Fire up the ESG at about 5.
5. Fire disruptors at range 1.1 NOT 1.0 NOT 1.2. 1.1!!!
6. Slam him with the ESGs.
7. Dump two SSs on top of him.
8. Turn off Dizzies.
9. Turn off any unused defensive tractors.
10. If you have drones that are tractored that are behind you turn them off as soon as you are going faster than the drones.
11. Envision one hand clapping.
12. Dump a T-Bomb out the chute on top of him.
13. Set speed to "MOMMY HELP ME!!"
14. Pray.
15. Run.
16. T-Bomb him while running away.
17. Start repairs on the systems he fubared.
18. Wait for weapons to recharge which will require running away at a speed slightly less than well . . A lot less than what you would like.
19. Re-enforce (in the unlikely event you have extra power) your rear shield because you now have INCOMING!!!
20. Hit EM if and only if you don't have any drones in tractor lock.
21. Say another prayer
22. Catch up on War and Peace while waiting for ESG to recharge.
23. Say another prayer that you damaged him so bad that he can't chase you fast enough to prevent you from recharging your weapons.
(A serious NOTE. The above is what I often did and it often worked. I kept having to pause and clean my chair a lot though.)
"You've got to be kidding me. That's about 20 serious orders to give in a period of about 3 seconds." J'inn groaned.
"Two point Five Seven to be exact." Mog stated.
"I can't remember to do that!!" Stimpy yelled.
"Erm, well, that's really good for AI and sometimes the Mirak, Feds and Klingons. For the other well there are some other charts you need to read. At that point another document appeared on the monitor that read.
***Page 1 of 5634890***
How to fight a Gorn player in a nebula on a Friday when the moon is full.
Step One: Obtain a carrot and a rabid weasel.
Stimpy stopped reading.
"Alright you guys are yanking me here. There is no way Clamato Boy there can remember all this. He's toasted most of the time." Stimpy stated.
"Well, that is the advanced method. Let stuck with the basics." Mog said.
"What!?" Stimpy yelled.
"Erm, Stimpy, Dizzy is getting kinda close." Laflin pointed out.
"Oh crap!!" Stimpy gasped as he saw the drone wave approaching.
"Okay okay, calm, one hand clapping, disruptors to 75%, ESG to extra crispy, phasers to repeal, tractors to suicide, scream for Mommy, erm, EM to 5, S&M to 3, wait no that's a different kind of ship, ESG range to erm, um, 3 I guess yeah that's biggest must be best." J'inn said to himself as hit madly hit buttons.
Dizzy's first drone wave was absorbed, sadly the second homed in and . . .
1. Used up all the phasers
2. Knocked down the ESGs
3. Caused Stimpy to suffer a loss of bladder control systems
4. Knocked down a shield
5. and took out an ESG Hardpoint. Damage control reported that it would be fixed sometime next January.
"Suck on that beeeatch!" Dizzy's lovely voice came through the comms system.
"I HATE DRONES!!!" Stimpy yelled and then felt kinda weird.
"Alrighty" J'inn snarled. "Time to do the unexpected. COMPUTER!!! T-Bombs aft. Engage HET 180 degrees. Prepare to drop suicide shuttles. Prepare hit and run teams on his drone rack!!. AND fire up that one last ESG!!!"
"Stimpy NO!!!" Mog yelled. "Premature detonation!"
"Hey!! Watch yer mouth buster" Stimpy yelled. "I don't premature nothin'!!"
"Not that the T-bombs!! The your ESG will detonate your own bombs." Mog yelled.
"Oh Lord!! T-Bombs!! J'inn!! Impossible death scenario! It's the Federation Station Simulator Catastrophe all over again!! Shut off the power! For the love of Lyra shut it down!!"
A few moments later Lyra Prime went dark . . . .
- - - - - - -
Well that was a long story just to highlight a point. I blame Fluf and Starbucks.
Any ways, I flew Lyran for the first time in a campaign. I loved it. Okay, I hated it at first and then I loved it.
What makes Lyran tough, here are the notes from my Captain's Log.
- Frigates and Destroyers SUCK beyond all previously know levels of metaphysical suckiness. I mean the stock ones of course. This means beginning player get discouraged easy. At least the Feds have the sanctuary of the FFG.
- It takes a lot of getting used to not having a long range seeking weapons such as drones or plasma.
- The Lyran BC class ships just plain kick tushie.
- The War Cruisers and some of the advanced DDs are very nice also.
- THE REAL ISSUE. Flying Lyran requires use of just about every friggin system. SHEESH!!! That can be a headache. Using the pre-set function is a must!!
- Gotta get over the fear of drones and plasma. Just gotta. Your going to get smacked at least once.
- Always. And I mean always have a repel tractor set up. Nothing makes the enemy make a stinky in his pants faster than thinking he has a tractor lock on you just to see it bounce back on him as you over run with the ESGs blazing.
- I'm lonely!!!! No other Lyrans. I think this has a lot to do with it. I wish there was a team chat function in the game. I don't use RW much.
- ARGGGHHH I can't kill anyone in this BCH because they all just run away after they get hurt and I can't catch them and charge at the same time. GRUMBLE!!!
- Planet assault and station assault just plain SUCK!!! You try taking out a Gorn base by yourself!!! Yes, it's doable but hard.
- Heh Heh there is a way to get a 4 ESGs (2 on 2 hardpoints) to fire up ESGs at range 0, 1 2 & 3 all at once. <snicker> Not as effective as the old 2 at 0 and 2 at 1 but it sure looks cool and scares the heck out of people.
- Gosh, I really like Lyran. Now if they only had drones . . . .
As always, please excuse the typos and poor grammer. Truth be told, I'm too lazy to proof read. So sue me.
Topic: The Last of the Lyrans (Read 15166 times)