Topic: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2  (Read 11595 times)

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #40 on: August 24, 2006, 01:30:59 am »
My attack may have been repulsed human, but I did score a direct hit through your shields! (The now-named Trekdom Maneuver)

Klingons do not approach a negotiating table without both sides bleeding on it. And we do rock.

What did you think of my twist on the Gorn weaponry, however...? I borrowed effect ideas on the plasma weapons from that TNG episode where they fought that ship that really wasnt there. 'Dauphin' I think the name of the Ep was... I try to stay away from SFB/C, but do use ship stuff from any source I like. With the Gorn this also had to include weaponry. I did, however, want it to look different enough that it wasn't just stock Rommy-rip-off and would explain why the Commodore in TOS described them as 'like phasers, only worse'.

I also wanted to see someone use rail guns... And there was a mention in something, maybe SFB, that Gorn used em as personal arms...

Anyway, how bout a finish to the story?


CH. 7




Doctor Andrea Keller huddled close to the thrumming machinery as she watched the calmer, but still highly dangerous Gorn. Two were picking their way through the incubator’s low wiring to get her. Both covered her with their deadly looking gauss weapons. One gestured with a flat palm facing down. Keller took the hint and placed her pistol on the deck.

The other alien gestured with his short rifle barrel. She stood, taking in the carnage from the short battle. All of her party lay in heaps on the floor. Blood flowed freely from most of them. Davenport seemed to still be alive; he lay against the port wall, head still lolling side to side. Smith was holding his torn leg. Surall was as inert as a stump.

Worse was Commander Thomas. His body was in a sprawling mess; his chest plate dented and his white helmet caved in. Blood puddled on the near gravity-less deck and globbed up into the air in droplets.

Keller’s throat caught as she realized Ben’s life support indicators were reading green. He was alive, and breathing in fouled air. The doctor’s instinct to preserve life flared into a raging inferno. She shouted futilely at her captors. She rushed to get past the incubators and the nearest Gorn, but the two of them grabbed her. They held her roughly, but not so tight as to injure her. One propelled her to the far end of the compartment.

One of the soldiers bent near the long-dead corpse of the escort’s crewer. He scanned it with a hand sensor and mentioned something to his CO. That alien looked about the room. He focussed his barely visible eyes on the incubator power regulator.

“Ashaaaaw!” The Gorn exclaimed, pointing at the mess of wiring and rigged EPS tubing. The one with the scanner went to investigate it. Then he checked the incubator’s control panel. Puzzled by what he found there, he turned to the officer.
The two conferred. Keller could fathom none of it. At length, he looked at Keller and keyed a device at his golden belt. His clawed finger pointed to the egg chamber.

“Rrrepairrred?”

Keller stammered, but remembered to key her external microphone.

“Yes, we repaired it.”

The Gorn, within his skin-tight EVA suit, cocked his head in wonder, then turned away. He drew a communicator and began to speak in hushed tones. What he got sounded like an argument. Keller wondered what she was in for next as she wish she could make it over to tend to her people.




“Kaay-yaaaw!” Yowled one of the massive Gorn at the port section of the embattled bridge. This officer held up a staying hand and repeated his message once again. Finally, attacker and defender’s weapon fell silent. Ford raised up from behind the lizard body he was hid behind to peer at the enemy commander. Beside him, his security chief fanned the room for his next target.

“Should ve take them now, Keptin?”

Ford saw no victory in that option. The Gorn would merely beam in more troops before backup could make it to the bridge. The captain held aloft a staying hand to his bitter-faced men.

The bridge was a bullet-riddled mess. Consoles were trashed, displays shattered and seats blown to pieces. Many of the bridge officers lay dead or wounded. Ford glowered at the Gorn commander. The lizard held a comm device up to the stumpy protrusion he guessed was an ear. The razor toothed fiend listened to what he heard there, licking his chops in thought. Finally, he lowered his comm and tentatively stood. He keyed a device on his belt.

“Captain Ford?”

“Yeah…” Ford slowly stood. It was an understatement to say he felt uncertain about what was happening. What kind of ploy was being run here?

The Gorn centered a revolting look upon him. The captain’s skin crawled. It was like having an alligator suddenly look over at you and speak. “Captain,” he growled, “I am ordered to ceassse hosstilitiesss.”

Chevis was relieved by the thought, despite his urge to keep fighting his attackers, but also suspicious. He swallowed away the fear of being out in the open amongst so many aimed Gorn rifles. The enemy soldiers, for their part, remained still and steady. Some exchanged confused glances. They continued to cover the Starfleet survivors, just as they themselves were being covered by phasers.

“Reason?”

“It wass disscovered that your party wass in the middle of repairsss to our egg nurturer. They have saved the only sssurvivorsss of the Raalssaa.”

Ford became a barely contained volcano of rage. His face flushed a bright red as he lurched over the unconscious Gorn he’d been beside. “A point I tried to make ten f*cking minutes ago! Your captain cut me off and attacked! Now we both have dead people laying every f*ckin’ where!”

The Gorn’s head cocked to the side slightly. If he felt anything such as remorse for his captain’s actions and the death his men had caused, he showed no real sign. The captain now stood close by him, though the human still had to look up at the officer. “Yesss, we regret—“

“You regret! You come over here and attack my ship and now you apologize for your little oopsy! Get the hell off my bridge!”

“My captain offersss her assssistance—“

“I’ve had enough of her help today,” Now Ford’s voice and countenance was as ice. He turned away from the huge alien and picked his way toward his ruined conn. “You just might want to mention to her that the next time I see a Gorn ship in distress, I’m gonna forget I saw it.”

He pointed to the mass of bodies on his deck.

“Now get your friends and get the f*ck off my ship!”

If the alien attackers had not been ready to do just as the captain had said, they were each prepared to force them off. Ford felt pride in their strength of resolve in spite of the ass-whipping they just suffered.

The aliens began to stow their rifles and haul their fallen compatriots over to the aft of the bridge. As the Gorn began to slowly beam out, Ford went to the engineering console. The kid there was shaken and bloody, but not badly wounded.

“Do we have transporters?”

The noncom stood and looked the beaten console over.

“Aye, sir.”

Ford keyed the intercom.

“Transporter Room. Beam our away party home.”

“Energizing,” Came a haggard response. Then: “Captain, we’ve got wounded!”

Doctor Keller’s voice shot through next as the last of the Gorn soldiers beamed off the bridge.

“Sickbay, emergency team to Transporter Room One!”

Ford tapped the button again. “Keller, what’s going on?”

“We have multiple injuries down here,” her English accent was thick as honey as her blood rose to boiling. “Multiple ballistic wounds! Number One has cranial fractures and a severed spinal column! I’m rushing him to emergency surgery!”

Ford found himself, without control, slamming his bleeding fists into the engineering terminals before him. He cursed with conviction, hurling rage at the Gorn giant on the viewer, who was turning to lumber away. He watched the ship recede into the cloudy distance and fell to a sullen silence. At last, he walked over to the remnants of the conn. Emergency medical teams were exiting from the aft elevators, carrying gurneys in and the casualties back out.

“Damage report?” His voice was cracked and tired.

The report was not immediate. Only the grace of the ship’s newer multifunction consoles even made it possible to get the ship back into functional status. Lieutenant Nechayev compiled the worse reports and rendered them.

“Ve have sustained critical damage to our starboard varp engine. Plasma flow is constricted and main power remains operable. Ve have multiple small hull breaches along the fantail, decks nineteen through thirty. Forcefields are maintaining integrity. Aft phaser grid has been severed on deck twenty, section twelve. Aft shield generators are nonoperational.”

Ford considered the report. They’d really gotten off lucky. Had the Gorn been aiming for destruction, the grocery list would be much longer. The damaged nacelle was the worst, though. Without it, they were stranded. They were deep inside the plasma phenomena, and unable to communicate with Command. They were also easy pickings for anyone with a grudge. Such as the Ya’wenn.

“Bronstien,” The young lieutenant was still able bodied. He’d taken down more than his share of the Gorn. Now he stood beside his console, a blank expression on his thin face. He blinked and looked Chevy’s way.

“Take us ahead, helmsman. Best impulse speed. Follow the Gorn’s exit vector. They’ll know what’s clear.”

Johnathan just nodded back in response. The glare he leveled on the ship in the center screen belied his wishes to open fire on the Gorn’s exposed backs. He sat in his blood-wetted chair and began laying in commands. The great battered ship‘s engines hummed to life once again. Ford leaned against the weapons console. “Nechayev, begin implementing repair orders. Have Commander Tolin report to me when she has a complete estimate on the nacelle. And get me a casualty list.”

Ford continued to lean there. He was tired, much as each of his men were. The Gorn were a frightful presence. Just the sight of them had made the captain faint of heart. Now that it was over, the pressure in his chest was clenching. He would have to get to his ready room soon to take his meds, but not till some of the repairs were underway. Then…then he would go to sickbay…










Epilogue




Commander Benjamin Thomas awoke in a groggy haze. The room about him was alight and fuzzy. Nothing was in focus. A warm buzz filled his senses. He looked about.

Close by, more felt than seen, was his closest friend. The captain dozed in a seat he’d pulled close to the XO’s recovery bed, book in his lap and a glass of rum at his elbow. Ben could now recognize the shape and contents of the sickbay. So, he’d been injured. Accident…or…

No, the memory of the fight on the Gorn ship was much too vivid. He jerked at the unbidden memory of his helmet crushing down on him. The putrid stink of the air pouring in through his breached mask…

Ford roused at his friend’s groan. Ben looked much the worse for wear, but he was alive. The big man’s head was wrapped in old-fashioned gauze cloth and held a lightweight neural stimulator on it. Ben’s neck was braced with a hard restraint. He wouldn’t be going anywhere for some time. If he ever fully recovered…

“Hey, Ben.” Chevy said softly, grasping his XO’s hand. His hands were so huge and strong. But now, they quaked just to return any pressure. Ben’s eyes watered.

“How many did we lose, Chevy?”

Ford pursed his lips a bit fighting his anger and resentment.

“Forty-seven dead. Over two hundred wounded, twenty-seven of those still in triage. Two with injuries that’ll cash them out of the Fleet.” Ford’s voice broke and he squeezed a little harder. “Maybe a third…”

Ben forced a swollen smile.

“Aw, f*ck that, Cap’n. I’ll get over this sh*t.” He noted for the first time that his head was immobile. His left hand reached up and probed the metal apparatus holding his head still. “What’d I wind up with, Chev?”

Chevis shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He leaned close, and though it killed him, he looked his friend in the eye. “You suffered a broken neck and severed spinal chord. Keller repaired all that she could, and the nerve tissue is whole again. But swelling and infection could hamper the nerve from finding the correct pathways again. She says there’s possibility of motor function impairment.”

Ben looked away. He was under too many drugs for the weight of it to hurt too much. A tear welled up in spite of that. “Will I walk?”

Ford chewed at the skin of his lip. He nodded.

“One way or the other, Mister Thomas. We’ll get you back on the horse.”

Ben drew a jagged breath, refusing to cry openly, even in front of Ford.

“How bad is the ship?”

Ford glanced away.

“We’re stranded. Starboard nacelle took direct hits. Ten of the coils are shattered beyond repair. We’re workin’ on everything else, but engineering has yet to render me a viable plan to get us out of this area and back to a repair dock.”

It was a moment filled with silence before Thomas spoke again. His eyes found Ford’s, filled with anger and loathing. There was a new, building darkness there.

 “No good deed goes unpunished, huh?”

Ford coughed out a bitter laugh. Karma could be a cruel thing.

“Yeah…No good deed goes unpunished.”


END
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #41 on: August 24, 2006, 02:19:58 am »
First, gut instinct is great read but I have minor nit. I miss the reflection on their own errors. But then again, you didn't write him enough time to reflect fully. And it wasn't untill later that i had that feeling
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Offline Vipre

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #42 on: August 24, 2006, 03:24:01 am »
Sweet!  I like how Ford flips out on the Gorn, sometimes people have a way of saying something that sends you into a fury.

Great story, given time you could turn this crew into a full length novel.

A thought from a readers view though

The ship to ship combat was great rolling into the nursery fight which was equally descriptive (but still short enough to give a feeling of a small group fighting in a cramped space) rolling into the bridge fight which got a dozen lines and then just evaporated.

Perhaps you could at the beginning of chapter 7 stretch out the gunfight on the bridge a little. Picking up right on the heels of Ford's “They’re not getting my bridge!” line. Maybe a paragraph or two where the fighting gets into the realm of bitterly hopeless...one of fighting on the bridge before the nursery scene that ties the beginning of 7 to the end of 6 and one right after giving a sense of delay between the transmission of what the gorn find with the incubators and the cease fire order.

Just a thought.

I'm glad you finished this story, I did a search for more of yours and found the "Brave New World" one, I was waiting to finish this one before starting that.
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #43 on: August 24, 2006, 07:34:04 pm »
Brave New World was story #1.

You are correct in that the bridge fight just evaporated. The reason being that I did a scene almost just like it a few years back with the same ship. The name of that one was Assassin's Game. Never was satisfied with it, but I think I posted it.

I think 'No Good Deed' is weaker than 'Brave New World'. I was entirely satisfied with BNW, but always thought I could do better with this story (dispite my irate defense of it days ago...:)...  Story three will be posted next week in its first chapter...after I've done my best to Andy-proof it. ;D

To Reaper: Ford does his reflecting in Story #3. I went straight from writing 2 to 3. Then I halted for a time dealing with family issues and death....then got back on it.

--thu guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #44 on: August 24, 2006, 09:14:46 pm »
The end of the battle and the story do seem abrupt, but on the other hand I know you're writing this as an ongoing 'series' rather than self-contained episodes so that doesn't bother me too much.

I like that the Gorn officer in the nursery was smarter than his Captain.  I'm also fond of Ford's temper tantrum and the Gorn's weathering of it.

Waiting for the next story, too.
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #45 on: August 25, 2006, 02:26:23 pm »
Now that I've read the end of the story--and we thrashed out my problems with the set up  ;)--I have to say I really liked the ending.

Now that I know what scenario you were envisioning, I understand what was going on in your head. I do this kind of stuff too, and try to come up with the exact scenario I need, timing and everything, so it doesn't seem contrived or "off" somehow--that what I want happens just because I want it to, and for no good reason in the ST universe my characters are inhabiting. Jaeih taught me that. With my earlier critisism, I didn't realise which way this was going to go. You surprised me, and it was exactly the kind of ending I'd have put on there--if I'd thought if it.  ;D  I thought it was going to be just another battle, and it narked me off that they were taking unnecessary losses.

That said, you finished it off beautifully. I like that the end of the fight was abrupt. It was supposed to be abrupt, shocking. When soneone realises they've made a huge mistake, it's shocking and painful to have to admit it. I'm quite sure many Klingons would just have tried to destroy the enemy anyway, to stop from having to report or admit their blunder to anyone else, when "honour" is all.
You could have devoted more time to the wrap up (see the end of my own 'If Wishes Were Horses' as an example of the short shrift), but again as Larry says, since we know these are episodes in an ongoing story, we'll hear more about it in the next ep.

I second Larry's positive comments: The Gorn Scout boarding party commander being more level-headed than his captain, and Ford flipping out on the other Gorn boarding party commander and ordering them the f*ck off his ship. That in particular was very well done. No one likes getting help from the people they've just been beaten up by, especially if it was a fight that could have been avoided. It may be cutting off his nose to spite his face what with them having no warp capability, and a typical TNG Fred captain would have accepted that help, but Ford's reaction was the perfect one in my view.

Excellent ending, Guv.

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #46 on: August 26, 2006, 12:06:25 am »
Eye cin spull...whut yoo tokin aboot?

I did originally start in on a longer bridge fight, but as I said...been there, done that... and it felt just like more of the same. I don't know how many people actually caught or remember that particular story, but I hate repeating things I've done already.

I can tell you that #3 basically comes right off of this one with only a short time skip.

I'm very glad everyone seemed to like Ford's temper blast. I was wondering if it seemed off...too much or too little... It was hard to moderate. One version had him gut punching the Gorn...to little avail... Ford isn't as strong as Thomas...

Did anyone like the epilogue? The sickbay scene with Ford and Thomas. Did that come off right?

--thu guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Vipre

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #47 on: August 26, 2006, 01:21:53 am »
I thought the epilogue was spot on. It didn't occur to me to comment on it, sorry.

Ending the story with just Ford and Thomas in Sickbay was really the perfect way to go in my opinion. Just two friends sharing a private moment.

Guv I whipped this up real quick to illustrate what I was saying about the bridge scene. Imagine something like this inserted at the beginning of chapter 7's bridge scene.

"The bridge of the Endeavour was slowly being reduced to a scorched ruin as federation phaser and Gorn rifle fire flashed all around Ford. Lying behind the body of a fallen Gorn soldier he could hear the moans of his dying crewmembers and see the eerily still bodies of the dead ones.

Above the din came the screech of a Gorn communicator."

Not exactly perfection (I'm definitely not a writer) but it kind of gives the impression of communications delay without resorting to a running gunfight.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2006, 01:46:21 am by Vipre »
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #48 on: August 26, 2006, 11:19:02 pm »
Not bad at all Vipre. Not bad. I might have used something like that had it occured to me. Or just paraphrased the longer fight scene I'd began before I cut it back, which may have had a similar effect as what you exemplified.

It made me happy to end the story with the two friends. Funny thing is, the fellow I based the character of Thomas on and I have not been that close in many years. So it was odd writing it. I had to imagine my friendship for him as it was then, compare it to my friendship with La'ra (as it has always been :D) and then write the scene.

All in all, given the feed back, I concider these last 2 stories a success.

--thu guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: 'No Good Deed'--Story #2
« Reply #49 on: August 27, 2006, 10:25:02 am »
And rightly so.
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole