The Hobbit: Scene 4
Canned Meat in the Dark
Narrator: Separated from his companions and hopelessly lost in the maze of tunnels beneath the mountain, the hobbit Bilbo Baggins somehow manages to stumble across a golden ring. Bilbo continues following a dark downward passage, absently putting the trinket in his pocket, until the tunnel abruptly comes to an end at a vast underground lake. While resting and gathering his wits about him, the hobbit discovers he is not alone...
Bilbo: Oh-- hello there! I am Mr. Bilbo Baggins, of Hobbiton, and I'm looking for a way out of this mountain. Would you happen to be able to assist me?
Gollum: It musstn't come down here with its posh talk, the nassty, stuck-up twit-- Gollum!
Bilbo: I beg your pardon?
Gollum: Praps it can sit and chat a bitssy, yess. Praps it likes riddles?
Bilbo: Very well... I've lost the dwarves and I've lost the wizard so I might as well.
Gollum: Very kind, it is, the slimy trollop! What kind of a ponce iss it, my precious?
Bilbo: I'm sorry? Well... you ask a riddle first, then.
Gollum: Meat of a sort that's one of a kind.
Stab a chiken with a fork,
Add ham and pork,
Then they gives it all a grind.
Bilbo: Easy! Spam, I suppose.
Gollum: Does it guess eassy, the great poofy poonagger!?
Bilbo: What?
Gollum: It musst have a competition with us... if precious asks and it doesn't answer, then we its eat. If it asks and we doesn't answer, then we shows it the way out, yes!
Bilbo: Oh, all right. It would appear I don't have much of a choice.
Gollum: "Oh, all right" ssays the great Baggins like a la-di-dah poofta-- Gollum!
Bilbo: I beg your pardon?
Gollum: We thanks it for agreeing and precious is ready for a riddle, yess.
Bilbo: Uh-- excuse me.
Gollum: What does it want now, the great sslow pillock?!
Bilbo: Well... I can't help noticing, Mr. Gollum, that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately.
Gollum: Oh-- we are terribly sorry to hear the precious is being naughty.
Bilbo: That's all right. I suppose it doesn't really matter.
Gollum: Tough titty if it did, the nassty spotted prancer-- Gollum!
Bilbo: The eyes are open... the mouth moves... but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he?
Gollum: (blinking) It must ask us a riddle, my preciouss.
Bilbo: On a meal plan,
Its often fried.
Stuck in a can,
When the meat died.
Gollum: Chestnuts, chestnuts-- Spam, it is!
Bilbo: Correct.
Gollum: Meat on a platter, give it a shakesy.
First it wiggles,
Then it jiggles,
Then we partakesy.
Bilbo: Hmmm... it could be deviled ham, naturally, yet nothing wiggles and jiggles like a fresh block of Spam.
Gollum: Yes, yess-- Gollum!
Bilbo: Meat on a hook saw meat in a cube,
"That meat is like to this meat,"
Said the first meat,
"The same way reading a book
is like watching the tube!"
(this was a much harder riddle for Gollum, who had to bring up memories from ages upon ages before, when he lived with his grandmother in a hole in a hill by a river... when she would read to him after a tasty dinner of--)
Gollum: Spam! Spam it means, it does.
Bilbo: Right again.
Gollum: Swine without breath,
Spiced after death,
Never oinking, never squeeling,
Clad in tin never clinking.
Bilbo: I believe I've heard that sort of thing before, Spam!
Gollum: (muttering) Yes, it guesseses again, my preciouss...
Bilbo: A can without soup, veggies, or fin.
Instead, meaty treasure is hid within.
(this proved a nasty poser for Gollum who hissed and spluttered to himself for some time)
Bilbo: Well, what is your answer? A kettle boiling over, by the sound of it.
Gollum: Spam! Not tuna, no, my preciouss... Spam it is!
Bilbo: Oh bother, I thought I might have had you with that one.
Gollum: This thing in many ways devoured,
Baked, broiled, grilled, floured.
On pizza, as a tassty sandwich,
In casseroles, or on sspinach.
No matter a lot or a smidgeon,
This would surely kill a vegan.
(Bilbo sat for quite some time thinking of all the wonderful meals he so loved to cook in his kitchen back in his cozy home of Bag End, now so very far away)
Gollum: Is it nice, my preciousss? Is it juicy yet scrumptiously crunchable-- Gollum!
Bilbo: Half a moment, I gave you plenty of time for your guesses!
Gollum: It must make haste, yesss, haste!
(suddenly, Bilbo got to thinking about what sort of meal he would fix for a houseguest such as Mr. Gollum)
Bilbo: Spam! Spam!!!
Gollum: Arrgh, yesss! Its got to ask uss a question, my preciouss, yes, yess, yesss... just one more question to guess, yes, yesss...
(unfortunately, Bilbo was beyond frazzled by this whole scene and, no matter how he slapped and pinched himself [dramatic pause as several hundred slash stories regarding Bilbo's sexual preferences suddenly begin being written simultaneously], he simply could not think of another riddle)
Bilbo: (putting his hands in his pockets) Hmmm...
Gollum: Ask us, it musst ask usss-- Gollum-gollum!
Bilbo: What have I got in my pockets?
Gollum: Not fair! What sort of sstupid piss pot tossing question is that, my precious?!
Bilbo: Yes, what have I got in my pockets?
Gollum: Ssss... of all the... it
must give uss three guesseses, my preciouss. Three guesseses, yess.
Bilbo: (taking his hands out of his pockets) Very well, guess away!
Gollum: Handses!
Bilbo: Ha-ha, nope!
Gollum: Knife?
Bilbo: Wrong! Last guess.
(now Gollum was in a worse state than Bilbo had just been in, rocking himself backwards and forwards, wriggling and squirming, but still not daring to waste his last guess)
Bilbo: Come on, I'm waiting.
Gollum: (muttering angrily to himself)
Bilbo: Time's up!
Gollum: Spam, or nothing!
Bilbo: Both wrong! So... the way out of here, if you please.
Gollum: Did we say so, my preciouss? Yes, yesss... show the nassty little Baggins the way out, yes. But what has it got in its pocketses, eh? Not Spam, preciousss... but not
nothing-- Gollum!
Bilbo: Never you mind! A promise is a promise, after all.
Gollum: Impatient it is, preciouss, and cross... but it musst wait a moment, yess it must. Gets us a few things to help us to go through the tunnels, yesss... we musst, yess.
(with surprising speed, Gollum flapped back to his boat and set off for his small island in the middle of the underground lake)
Bilbo: Well... all right, but please do hurry up.
(arriving back on his island, Gollum went straight to his special hiding place where he kept a few wretched oddments such as a shiny rock, an
old cup, and one very beautiful, wonderful... precious golden ring)
Gollum: My birthday-present! We wantss it, yes, we wants it! The misserable Baggins won't see us, will it, my precious? No. It won't see us and its nassty little sword will be useless, yesss-- Gollum-gollum!
Bilbo: (shouting) What is taking so long?
(a ghastly screech rings out and Bilbo takes a moment to realize it is coming from Gollum)
Gollum: Where iss it?! WHERE ISSS IT?!!
Bilbo: Oh bother, what now?
Gollum: (wailing) Lost... LOST! Curse us and crush us, my precious is lost-- Gollum!
Bilbo: (shouting) What have you lost?
Gollum: It mustn't assk us, my preciouss... not its bussiness, no.
Bilbo: (shouting) Come along, whatever you have lost! You never answered my last question and I want to get unlost!
(a realization dawns on Gollum)
Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses? Tell us-- Gollum-gollum-gollum!!!
Bilbo: Errr... answers were to be guessed, not given.
(Bilbo saw that the light in Gollum's large eyes was now a green flame... that was quickly growing larger as the creature came straight for him back across the lake)
Bilbo: Oh bugger.
Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses, my precious?!!
(Bilbo sticks his hand in his pocket as he runs back up the tunnel away from the lake)
Bilbo: Why am I running-- I'm the one with the sword?!
(at that moment, Bilbo trips in the dark tunnel and falls flat with his sword under him)
[THUMP-SMACK]
Gollum: (running right past Bilbo) Curse it! Curse the Baggins! What has it got in its nassty pocketses? Oh we guess, my precious. It found it, the fesstering little tosser. Yesss, it must have... my birthday-present!
(Bilbo realizes that the ring must have slipped onto his finger in the fall and that he is now invisible)
Bilbo: (taking the ring back off for a moment) My goodness... what
have I found?
(cut to a very quick series of still images - 3 rings for elves, 7 rings for dwarves, 9 rings for humans, and the one golden ring in Bilbo Baggins's hand)
CAPTION: RINGS OF POWER
[documentary music]
(zoom to a presenter in a fancy comfy chair behind a desk)
Kieran Forester: Good evening and welcome to another edition of Rings of Power. On tonight's program, the Witch King of Angmar. Widely known as the tireless leader of ringwraiths who has recently built a base of dark power in Dol Guldur, the Witch King tells us exclusively about unlife with his ring of power.
(cut to the Witch King of Angmar holding up his black sword and waving)
[sudden dramatic chord]
(cut back to the presenter)
Kieran Forester: From the dragon infested Grey Mountains, Guv Ronjar reports on the dwarven rings of power there.
(cut to a dragon eating a hapless dwarf)
Kieran Forester: Much further south, in continuing ringwraith action, the first dramatic pictures of the mass ring of power usage underway in the siege of eastern Osgiliath. All this and more on Rings of Power!
(cut to a massive tunnel littered with heaps of smoking rubble)
[THUD THUD THUD THUD]
(a group of 20 dwarves run by followed by a large peevish dragon)
[THUD THUD THUD-- ROAR!]
(zoom over to a reporter standing amidst the carnage)
Guv Ronjar: This is the Grey Mountains. Behind me you can hear the thud of dragon feet and the high-pitched twang of dwarven crossbows firing as the battle for control of this volatile cave system shakes the foundations of this dwarven stronghold.
(slowly, the scene pulls back until we see a fairly long trestle table set out with pictures of the seven dwarven rings of power in front of Guv Ronjar)
Guv Ronjar: Whatever their clan political inclinations, dwarves have been keen users of rings of power.
[THUD THUD-- ROAR! THUD THUD THUD]
Ronjar: Here the last of the dwarven rings of power has just been swallowed, along with its owner, by an immense green dragon and the dwarves here are keen to get it back after having lost 3 of the other rings of power in the same manner over the ages.
[THUD THUD THUD THUD]
Guv Ronjar: With the other 3 dwarven rings of power having been reclaimed by Sauron directly, this last ring is the only remaining monument--
[ROAR!!!]
Guv Ronjar: ...now quite likely lost as well, to when the race of Khazad knew better times. Guv Ronjar, Rings of Power, reporting from the Grey Mountains.
CAPTION: THE SCENE SO FAR
(cut back to the presenter sitting at his desk with the "Monty Python: The Hobbit" script)
Kieran Forester: Oh-- hello. The, errr... the scene so far. Well it started with a hobbit, one Bilbo Baggins, getting lost in some tunnels while trying to get away from some rather angry Goblins and then stumbling across a golden ring of power right before having a riddle contest with the ring's previous owner, Gollum, in which all the answers appear to have been "Spam" but Gollum appears to have had no intention of honoring his promise after losing yet we miss out entirely on Bilbo's subsequent dramatic escape from the mountain by following Gollum to the backdoor due to someone going on about Rings of Power before telling us what happened in the scene so far and then a great hammer unexpectedly came down and hit him on the head... wait, I don't remember tha--
(a big hammer hits the presenter on the head)
[WHUMP]
Kieran Forester: Owww!!!
(a close up of the big hammer's handle reveals the words "RUN-ON SENTENCES STOP HERE")
