The Hobbit: Scene 13
Battle of Five Armies - Sports Edition
Kieran Forester: Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed valley of Dale, southern vale of the lonely mountain, Erebor.
(superimposed caption:
BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES [Rings of Power Sports Edition])
Guv Ronjar: Packed is definitely the word for it, Kieran, as this battle has drawn quite an unusual multi-cultural mix to today's match-up. Dwarves, elves, humans, goblins, and wargs... exciting things are bound to happen here.
(superimposed caption:
BATALJ UV FEM ARMEN [Råingse uv Pöveråga Sqøurtësi Edänsod])
Kieran Forester: We are all set to begin--
(with cries and howls, the goblins and wargs pour into the valley between the southern and eastern spurs of the lonely mountain)
Kieran Forester: And here comes the visiting team now... led by their skipper, "Boggy" Bolg. They must surely start favorites this afternoon. With clear advantages in strength, ruthlessness, and simplified command structure, they would appear unstoppable... and let's now see their line-up.
Goblin and Warg Armies [Visitors]
1. Bolg (Team Captain and Head Goblin)
2. Amog
3. Gorg
4. Azob
5. Moog
6. Bozb
7. Arog
8. Gondgaur (Head Warg)
9. Rhiakath
10. Mordraug
11. AnnwnorGuv Ronjar: The goblins and wargs are starting out in a 4-2-4 formation. Arog in goal... back four are Gorg, Bolg, Azob, and Moog... front-runners Gondgaur, Rhiakath, Mordraug, and Annwnor. The mid-field duo of Amog and Bozb in position. Amog perhaps a bit of a gamble there.
(hurrying frantically, the dwarves, elves, and men get into position)
Kieran Forester: And now the home squad, led by their veteran centre-half, Gandalf the Grey.
Dwarf, Elf, and Human Armies [Home Team]
1. Gandalf the Grey (Team Captain)
2. Thorin Oakenshield (Head Dwarf)
3. Dain Ironfoot
4. Balin son of Fundin
5. Thranduil (Head Elf)
6. Legolas Greenleaf
7. Czar Mohab
8. Bard the Bowman (Head Human)
9. Kadh Qohelethson
10. La'ra Disruptorstun
11. Bilbo BagginsGuv Ronjar: Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up. Balin's in goal, Kadh a front-runner there, Dain the midfield anchor, and Legolas as sweeper... Legolas very much the elf in form. One big surprise, obviously, is the inclusion of Bilbo. I don't think anyone could have imagined that.
Kieran Forester: Indeed not! As Sauron discovered during his bitter lose at the Dagorlad Finals of 3434, second age, even the
One Ring is of limited use in this sort of contest.
Guv Ronjar: Right you are, Kieran... Isildur came away the trophy winner from that colossal matchup, of course. When you reach this level, you honestly win or lose on the strengths and weaknesses of your teammates that brought you.
(Bilbo puts on his magic ring and promptly disappears from the battle)
Kieran Forester: Well, here comes the wargs on the opening play... Gandalf quickly moving Biggesti Dickesti in to substitute for the missing hobbit.
Guv Ronjar: With the proposed three substitutions per game limit rule having been voted down in last year's hotly debated white council meeting, replacement players will continue to be a huge factor to success.
Kieran Forester: Kadh and La'ra moving to resist the vanguard... and as the two sides come together, we're ready for the start of what promises to be a real
battle royale.
(the homicidally brave men of the resistance line hold off the wargs just long enough to bunch up and disorganize the following goblin assault)
Guv Ronjar: They're through!
Kieran Forester: Amog and Bozb there. Rhiakath, number 9, on the outside... Mordraug there with him. There's Bolg. Moog's in there, Gorg covering. Azob, in reserve, holding back. The goblins and wargs are moving far down the field in force.
(charging forward, the elves flank the goblin formation)
Guv Ronjar: And now it's the elves on the attack! Biggesti... Czar Mohab, number 7. Thranduil leading. Czar and Biggesti staying with him. There's Thranduil. Legolas... there he is, Legolas. Legolas there, threading it through.
(as they begin to hold back the elves, the goblins are suddenly surprised from behind)
Kieran Forester: There's the dwarves! Coming in from the opposite flank... Dain there along with Bard in support. Dain, number 3, making his presence felt.
Guv Ronjar: Azob moving up on the outside. Gondgaur's on the left, the visitors are holding off the home team now and beginning to move forward again.
(the crush of the goblin and warg hordes pushes the dwarves, elves, and men back up the spurs of the mountain)
Kieran Forester: Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here! As you can see, Bolg has just disemboweled Gorg for arguing with him. Gorg apparently accused Bolg of having no coherent strategic plan and Bolg say, "spleen go in box!" This is Bolg's third disembowelment of defensive fullbacks in four matchups. Molb now in as wingback for the goblins and wargs.
Guv Ronjar: Molb is coming in behind the elves... Bozb joining him on the breakaway-- The home team's zone defense is coming apart!
Kieran Forester: 2-on-1 break... only Balin stands between them and destiny. Balin, there-- trying to cut down the angle.
Balin: [CENSORED]!!!
(a great shout arises from the dwarves as a trumpet loudly calls out from the front gate of Erebor)
Guv Ronjar: What's this?
Kieran Forester: It's Thorin Oakenshield!
Guv Ronjar: Thorin is rallying the dwarves, elves, and men to him... obstructing the goblin's best scoring opportunity so far.
Kieran Forester: It looks to be a flying pyramid attack up the middle third heading straight into the goblin formation's center. The visitors are going goblin-to-dwarf in response.
(Thorin charges forward... resplendent in shining armor)
Thorin: To me! RALLY TO ME!
Guv Ronjar: Obviously, Gandalf has decided on an all-out attack, as indeed he must with so little time in the match to go.
Gandalf: NO-- You fools!
Kieran Forester: The big question is, who is left to support this drive... who do the dwarves, elves, and men have left to sub in?
Guv Ronjar: The casualty list is becoming more of a problem for the home team as the goblins and wargs seem to have a near endless bench depth. Bilbo is missing in action, Czar is on the 15 day disabled list... Kadh's status is day-to-day, while La'ra is barely managing to stay in with a lateral ankle sprain and knee problems. The biggest loss for the home squad, naturally, has been the death of Biggesti Dickesti.
Kieran Forester: Yes, Biggesti... who saw his reportedly very
talented wife only last week--
Guv Ronjar: And here's Fili and Kili on the field covering for Thorin!
(gathering dwarves, elves, and men to him, Thorin rushes forward in fury)
Kieran Forester: Let's see if Thorin can put some life into this bold attack.
(piercing deep through the lines of goblins and wargs, Thorin's force crashes into the bodyguards of Bolg... and is brutally thrown back)
Guv Ronjar: Evidently not.
Kieran Forester: A diving header to no avail, there. With time running out on regulation play, a replay review looks absolutely vital.
Guv Ronjar: And now there is some shouting from the sidelines--
Bilbo: The eagles! The eagles are coming!
(invisible though he may be, a rock strikes Bilbo on the head and he is immediately knocked out)
Meneldor the Eagle: What-ho, squadron leader?
Landroval the Eagle: Top hole, Mellie. Looks like screamin' Boggy pranged his ten-penny ones right in the how's your father. Bally the blighters... we need to dicky-birdy the custard, feather back on their Sammy, take a waspy, and chuck his cans up the blue end.
Meneldor the Eagle: Roger that-- Bunch of monkeys on the Bertie, sir! Better grab their egg and fours and get the bacon delivered.
Landroval the Eagle: Jolly good... plug the squiffy!
(in a great rush of wind, the giant northern eagles arrive)
Guv Ronjar: Coming in for the home team, with not a moment to spare... are forward aces Landroval and Meneldor!
(superimposed caption:
BATALJ UV SEKS ARMEN [Uppdåtëra])
Kieran Forester: Meneldor out to Landroval, Landroval back to Meneldor, good give and go here-- Meneldor facing off with Molb... Molb is easily beaten.
(the goblins who are lucky enough not to be cast off the sides of the mountain flee shrieking and bewildered from the eagles)
Guv Ronjar: Wait-- we have another surprise substitution here as Beorn, a truly massive bear, comes in for the mortally wounded Thorin... and he is simply tearing through the visiting team!
(superimposed caption:
BATALJ UV SJUVEN ARMEN [Uppdåtëra])
Kieran Forester: Gandalf signals the go-ahead and it's Beorn deep in the goblin defense... here he comes on the far post, tramples Arog, Bolg is there to block-- Beorn smacks Bolg's head right off! It's--
Guv Ronjar: GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Kieran Forester: Beorn
heads it in with a top-drawer strike! Beorn has scored as the clock runs out!
Guv Ronjar: The elves are going mad! The dwarves and humans are going mad!
Kieran Forester: Beorn scores against the run of play, got a beautiful cross slash on Bolg there who attempted a flick header.
Guv Ronjar: What irony!
Kieran Forester: The goblins are disputing it. The surviving wargs and wolves have gone into a frenzy, though, and are turning on the goblins. I believe Moog was claiming Beorn was offside before being ripped apart, there... but the rejuvenated dwarves, elves, men, and eagles are having none of it as they surge across the field behind Beorn.
Guv Ronjar: It's all over-- this one is in the books!
Kieran Forester: The goblins and wargs, heavily favored coming into this competition, have been beaten by the odd goal... and let's see it again.
(the replay, viewed from behind Bolg in slow motion, shows Beorn smashing Arog out of the way as he bounds up... Bolg's head flying off... the frame freezes for a moment on the startled look on Bolg's face)
Kieran Forester: There you have it... Beorn, yes... Beorn went right through Arog, and Bolg didn't have a chance--
Guv Ronjar: And just look at this delighted home squad as they drive the shattered visitors off the pitch and into the Running River!
(the goblins and wargs, fleeing in all directions, are pursued closely by the righteously vengeful dwarves, elves, men, eagles, and Beorn)
Kieran Forester: There they are... Dain "Chopper" Ironfoot, Gandalf the Grey, Bard "The Answer" Bowman, La'ra "Buffalo Wrestler" Disruptorstun, Legolas "Bottomless Quiver" Greenleaf--
Guv Ronjar: What a game he had today!
Kieran Forester: And Landroval is there with Meneldor.
Guv Ronjar: And, of course, "The Bear" Beorn... the surprise pull from the bench who has scored what is probably the most important goal of his career.
