Monty Python: The Hobbit (finally!)

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Conclusion

Bardic Epilogue

Narrator:  Within his favorite open air concert hall, Elrond gathers the best musicians in Rivendell together.  Their honored task is to memorialize in song the surprising tale of Bilbo Baggins.  Harps, mandolins, horns, and elven drums at the ready... Lord Elrond beckons them to begin.

[music]
(To the tune of "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M.)
Elrond:  (singing)
That's great, it starts with some tea and cake,
A dwarf quest, music played, a hobbit thief is not afraid.
Rain soaked to the bone, morning turns trolls to stone,
Trespass to goblins taken, Gollum's magic ring forsaken,
Riddles will escape bring, answer, pockets, no string.
The dwarves start to clatter with fear of height, moonlight,
Wargs circle fiery breeze surrounding five burning trees,
A wizard chucking pinecones gives them a funny fright.
Eagles are a coming in a hurry with the goblins in a fury,
Screaming for their necks.
Two by two report to Beorn, on bread and honey fed,
Gandalf leaves to head south, fight dread.
Oh no-- in the stream Bombur goes, enchanted doze,
Saved from spider bites, chase the elven lights.
Thranduil serves his own need, lock away the dwarf greed,
Rescue barrels watertight, downriver, Lake-town on the right, right.
Rest and food, on the mend, finally back on track again,
Feeling pretty psyched.
(chorus)
It's the end of middle earth as we know it (it's time we had some time alone),
It's the end of middle earth as we know it (chicks in chainmail set the tone),
It's the end of middle earth as we know it (get Peter Jackson on the phone),
And I feel fine...
Secret door, secret name, dragon wins at guessing game,
Weakness learn, return, Baggins with a golden urn.
Worm raging, men blaming, fire burning, bowman shooting,
Black arrow of fate, Smaug and town incinerate.
Head to mountain, elves join in, look around, look around,
Wall the front door block, blocked, uh-oh!
For compensation men appeal, Thorin says NO DEAL.
A burglar, a burglar, the Arkenstone will find,
Offer dwarves solutions and offer them alternatives,
But they decline.
(chorus x2)
The goblins and wargs arrive, battle armies number five,
Mountain getting overran, eagles spoil Bolg's plan!
Beorn the Bear doesn't fail, Ironfoot and Bärd of Dale,
Victory party, gold for all, cram and beans, BOOM!
Your Tolkienotic, ring-neurotic, slam-dunk end, right?  Right!
(chorus x4)
And I feel fine...
I feel fine...

Lobelia:  (bursts in) Stop this infernal racket and bugger off!  I've got a baby trying to sleep here, eh?!  Ruddy half-elven bards...
Baby Lotho:  (crying)
Lobelia:  Shut up.
[SMACK]

[Commander La'ra]

I will never listen to that song the same way again.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I will never listen to that song the same way again.

Hehe... WOW.  That bad, eh?   

[Scottish Andy]

I will never again hear the correct lyrics to that song... except, perhaps for "No Beer!" and "Leonard Bernstein!"

That was brilliant, and I'm going to have to re-read it again and again until I cen get the lyrics to fit inside the song in my own head. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

...That was brilliant, and I'm going to have to re-read it again and again until I cen get the lyrics to fit inside the song in my own head.

Hehe... thanks Andy!   It's The Guv's fault for wanting more. 

I am working on a thorough proofread as I put together the html version of the parody to host at the Bard's Corner with the others, which I may complete as early as tomorrow!

[marstone]

  When you post it as a single unit (hopefully the whole thing), give us a link to it.  I have gone back and pulled out the story awile back and put it togeather for my son to read.  He loved it.  A complete novel would be awesome.

[Hstaphath_XC]

  When you post it as a single unit (hopefully the whole thing), give us a link to it.  I have gone back and pulled out the story awile back and put it togeather for my son to read.  He loved it.  A complete novel would be awesome.

Right-o!  There will be two html versions, as with the MP:LotR trilogy I did, one version displays the parody all at once while the other lets you view one scene at a time.  There will also, very soon I hope, be an easy-to-print PDF version that will be availabe as well.

[marstone]

  When you post it as a single unit (hopefully the whole thing), give us a link to it.  I have gone back and pulled out the story awile back and put it togeather for my son to read.  He loved it.  A complete novel would be awesome.

Right-o!  There will be two html versions, as with the MP:LotR trilogy I did, one version displays the parody all at once while the other lets you view one scene at a time.  There will also, very soon I hope, be an easy-to-print PDF version that will be availabe as well.

Do you have a PDF version of the LOTR one?

[Hstaphath_XC]

Do you have a PDF version of the LOTR one?

Yes, of course!

Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring
Monty Python: The Two Towers
Monty Python: Return of the King

[Governor Ronjar]

Ah...and epilogue...

NOW I can die happy!

--thu gu

[Hstaphath_XC]

NOW I can die happy!

Well... perhaps if it would have had you in it.   

I really did do this scene on the spur of the moment after you posted asking for more, btw.  I thought having an epilogue would spoil the whole Soprano's style sudden ending I left off with.  Then I thought, naw... go for it! 

[kadh2000]

Can I post my LotR song?  Wouldn't want to cut in on your thunder so I asked first.  Saw yours and had to do my own.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Can I post my LotR song?  Wouldn't want to cut in on your thunder so I asked first.  Saw yours and had to do my own.

Please post it!  I am very interested in hearing what you came up with.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Woooohoooo!!!  The html versions are now hosted at:

http://www.xenocorp.net/H_bardCorner/mphobbit.htm

Also now on the Bard's Corner, in the Best of XC Radio Section, are Kadh's "Dizbuster" and "The Highwayman" songs.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I need some feedback on how this looks as a cover image for the Monty Python: The Hobbit pdf version.  It is a deliberate spoof of the Life of Brian DVD cover.



Comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Cheers and much thanks,

Hsta

[Scottish Andy]

Well, I like it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Well, I like it.

Thanks!   

Here is a pic of the Life of Brian cover I based it off of for comparison:

[Scottish Andy]

Just visited your corner of XC, Hsta. Love it. The Squirrel Wars are just too damn funny! And SFCIII: Wrath of Moo rocks my cotswolds.

[Governor Ronjar]

Great cover...if I saw it a Walmart...I'd buy it.

--guv

[Hstaphath_XC]

Just visited your corner of XC, Hsta. Love it. The Squirrel Wars are just too damn funny! And SFCIII: Wrath of Moo rocks my cotswolds.

Hehe... yeah, those were some good times on the old Taldren board I wanted to make sure didn't disappear.  Btw, J'inn insists that every word of those battle reports are true and, knowing J'inn, I believe him.   

Great cover...if I saw it a Walmart...I'd buy it.

Excellent, then I am going to go with this one.  Thanks!

Ummm... theoretically, if you DID buy it at Walmart, you would read more than just the parts with you in it, right? 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  First one on the new server!

Oh yeah, and the PDF version is up.  Heh.   

http://www.xenocorp.net/H_bardCorner/pdf/mphobbit.pdf

[Governor Ronjar]

YAY!!! Dyna's back!

--guv

[Hstaphath_XC]

Can I post my LotR song?  Wouldn't want to cut in on your thunder so I asked first.  Saw yours and had to do my own.

Hey Kadh, still waiting on you to post your LotR song... speaking of which, I still need to finish Rommie singing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back."

[Commander La'ra]

I still need to finish Rommie singing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back."

Yes, yes you do.

[kadh2000]

To the tune of Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire"http://www.teacheroz.com/fire.htm

Bilbo Baggins, Gilraen, Fell Winter, Theoden
Baranduin, Ecthelion, Bilbo finds the Ring

Galadriel, search the gladden fields, death of Old Took, Thorin Oakenshield
White Council, Gladden Fields, Bard becomes the King

Dol Guldor, Thorin, Isildur, Anduin
Gandalf, Lothlorien, the Battle of Five Armies

Saruman, Isengard, Mount Doom bursts aflame
White Council meets, spies found in Bree, Sauron pretends he flees

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

Undomiel, Aragorn, they meet in Imladris
Balin dwarves, in Moria, colony doomed

Gollum, and Shelob, palantiri, Gondor
Ithilien Falls, Mordor’s shadows loomed

Frodo, the Shire, Gollum’s released from Mordor
Boromir, Faramir, Gollum captured, Rhovanion

Nazgul, Hobbiton, Minas Tirith, Orthanc
Edoras, Shadowfax, hobbits meet Bombadil

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

Barrow-wight, Bree at night, Prancing Pony, Butterbur
Strider, Weathertop, Ring-wraiths make Frodo stop

Rivendell, Glorfindel, the Council of Elrond
Fellowship, wolves attack, Gollum starts the ring to track
Khazad-dum, Balrog, Gandalf falls, Moria
Galadriel, Mirror, farewell to Lorien

Merry, Pippen caught, ring in Emyn Muil
Eomer wins, Treebeard, trouble for Theoden

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

Edoras, Entmoot, Faramir in Ithilien
Dead Marsh, Black Gate, Gandalf is back again

Gandalf heals Theoden, Battle fought at Helm’s Deep
Parley, Rangers, Peregrin can not sleep

Eowyn, Dunharrow, muster of the Rohirrim
sunless day brings dread, Aragorn takes paths of dead

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

Cair Andros, Causeway Forts, Minas Tirith is besieged
Ungol, Shelob, Mordor orcs, Samwise
Frodo, Shagrat, Witchking dies, Rohan comes at sunrise
debate of the Captains, Frodo goes into Mordor

Battle of Dale, Erebor, Host of the West, Udun road
Morgul vale, Morannon, Doom, Crack, desolation
Frodo and Sam reach mount doom, surrounded at the Slag Hills
Gollum falls in Sammath Naur, Sauron loses all his power

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks Kadh!  I like it.

The only thing I would edit is:

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't start the fire
Though we didn’t make it
But we tried to break it

To:

We didn't forge the one ring
It was made in Mordor
For the new world order
We didn't forge the one ring
Though we didn’t make it
We sure tried to break it

Do I have your permission to add this to XC Radio?

[kadh2000]

Yup.