Topic: Daggers in the Night  (Read 17455 times)

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Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #60 on: March 26, 2009, 04:43:37 am »
yeah more laary goodness! Now GIMME MORE!
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #61 on: March 26, 2009, 04:03:20 pm »
This is another nice little continuation segment in terms of content. nice banter, good feeling of camaraderie between officers and enlisted, Fleet and Marine.  The problem shifts a little at the end, and getting there was done the long way instead of skipping to the end for convenience's sake. Duer diligence was performed. :)

And so, the bad. Damn, the technical quality leaves a lot to be desired. Were you in a rush, writing this?

You mix your tenses like nobody's business in this one, Larry. You move from present tense into past tense in the same paragraph and successive lines of dialogue. "Leral said", "La'ra sees", "Turg chortled", "the Commander shook his head", "La'ra grumbles".



« Last Edit: March 27, 2009, 08:19:35 pm by Scottish Andy »
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The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #62 on: March 27, 2009, 08:10:18 pm »
Grim:  It's nice to see that some things never change. 8)

Andy:  There are upsides and downsides to writing at 4:17 a.m.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #63 on: April 07, 2009, 10:08:45 pm »
And some more...would be a larger tidbit, but La'ra himself forced me to rewrite the unposted section.  Overly aggressive bastard. :2gun: :pirate:

-------------------------


CHAPTER FOUR



“This…could take days.”  Woram warned.  It was planetary night outside.  The planet's dome had darkened, to create the illusion of a world where night and day were different.

“Then it will take days.”  La’ra shrugged.  “Some hunts are long.”

The younger Klingon’s computer screens displayed the Andorian’s home.  Guards went through their shifts, staff came and went, all as their personal schedule demanded.  In the twelve hours the Klingons had watched the place, they’d seen nothing La’ra felt worthy of investigation.

They had, however, confirmed that it was the right residence.  The daughter had appeared, in the late afternoon.  She’d exercised on the lawn, sparred in Andorian fashion (which meant knives) with one of the guards.  She’d been clothed the entire time, much to Turg’s blue-curious regret.

It was remotely possible that they were still sniffing the wrong targ.  The woman they’d watched through a clandestine splice into the city’s security net could be some other Andorian woman of the correct age with obvious military training who just happened to be holed up in what was looking increasingly like the home of a government-endorsed privateer, but La’ra was willing to take such a wild chance.

The Commander shook his head, and laughed quietly.

“Your shift is up anyway.”  He reminded Woram.  The NCO growled with relief, and stood.  One of the other Marines was next.  Khlas went after him.  Then Leral.  Then himself.

Days, he reminded himself.


*  *  *


Day came, harsh light from Khorsham's star streaming in as the dome became transparent for a few hours.  Night crept in with little fanfare.

The Klingons took turns monitoring their quarry, sitting idle for two hours each before standing, rubbing their irritated eyes, and moving on to some other activity.  The inside of the warehouse could withstand a decent assault now, with fire traps and barricades and other defensive preparations long since made.  And of course, it was kept clean.

Meals were local fare, acquired by Khlas in his guise as yet another ne’r-do-well Klingon for hire.  They had combat rations, but Klingons preferred real meat in their bellies.  They ate, waited, wrestled, cleaned their weapons, told stories of their battles, and occasionally their loves.

It was a valuable experience, La’ra knew.  A strengthening of bonds.  Not as good as combat, but worth having…provided the wait didn’t go on long enough to tempers to fray.

Ensign K’tal was taking a shift at the monitors when something new finally happened.

“Commander,” the Marine called.  La’ra rose from cleaning his disruptor.

“What’s happening?” 

“Someone we haven’t seen before,”  The Ensign declared.  He adjusted a camera.  A vehicle was arriving at the Andorian's home.  It looked somewhat expensive, the transport of someone who could afford some small amount of luxury.

The man who emerged was human, dressed well, La’ra supposed.  It was very hard to get a feel for another sentient being through computer images, but something about his body language seemed furtive, someone used to looking over his shoulder.  The guards conducted him indoors.

“Give me his image.”  La’ra growled.  Around him, other Marines were looking up with curiosity.  Leral, asleep on her mat, was stirring.

K’tal captured the new man’s face.  La’ra pulled out his communicator.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2009, 09:35:22 pm by Commander La'ra »
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #64 on: April 07, 2009, 11:12:48 pm »
Another nice segment, but these bite-sized nibbles leave me hankering for one of the Guv's full courses.

Quote
She’d been clothed the entire time, much to Turg’s blue-curious regret.

Great line! Might just be because I'm blue-curious myself though...  :D

Quote
“Commander,” the Marine called.  La’ra rose from Klingon his disruptor.
Oopsie! Sumwan fourgot hiz editting at hoam!
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #65 on: April 07, 2009, 11:18:29 pm »
Quote
“Commander,” the Marine called.  La’ra rose from Klingon his disruptor.
Oopsie! Sumwan fourgot hiz editting at hoam!
[/quote]

*pats you*

Good Andy.  Here's a cookie.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #66 on: April 08, 2009, 02:02:16 am »
Is this cookie worthy also?

“This…could take days.”  Woram warned.  It was planetary night, the city’s dome having self-darkened to give the illusion of a world where that changed things.

and this triggered a LOL:

Quote
The woman they’d watched through a clandestine splice into the city’s security net could be some other Andorian woman of the correct age with obvious military training who just happened to be holed up in what was looking increasingly like the home of a government-endorsed privateer, but La’ra was willing to take such a wild chance.

And this:

Quote
The city dome had become transparent, allowing light in for a few happy hours.  Darkness fell again. 

doesn't flow as much as it could. perhaps something describing how daylight came and went? Or am I just missing stuff?
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #67 on: April 08, 2009, 09:29:30 pm »
Yeah, I'll fix those.  Cookie awarded.

And no, I haven't really edited these before posting.  I really have gotten into the odd habit of writing at odd hours of the morning, and thus, many times I never get around to going back and look at sentences I mangled in my drowsy state.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

KBF-Frankk

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #68 on: April 11, 2011, 08:18:30 pm »
hail, la'ra, where is the rest?

Offline KBF-Frank

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Re: Daggers in the Night
« Reply #69 on: May 09, 2015, 03:02:09 pm »
bump to front   ;D