Hey Guv, sorry for the lack of comments. RL is a bear. But I am back, and I have a whole host of comments here for you, some of them on the nitpick-y side, so don't get mad - just do as I say!
Overall this is a great story that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. The quality is consistently high, so even though I don't think I have too many of the "I really liked this bit" comments, know that I was thinking that about the Story as a whole, and the bits I do mention are "extra credit".
I didn't find the pace forced at all, nor was any one scene overriding the quality of or crowding out any other. There is a nice balance of and contrast between the tension of the shuttle mission and "
meanwhile, back at base, it's business as usual". Good writing, great characterisations - even if some of the characters are not... the Starfleet ideal.
So, now onto a point-by-point analysis. Guv, you can stop reading here to save your blood pressure from the bad bits.
The only one among them who had not complained about the heat was their medical officer, Nurse Tyler. She’d simply taken off her bra and her boots and adjusted silently.
Why did she take her bra off when it got hot? Jacket, sure. Jumper/Pullover/Sweater, sure. But taking her bra off first? Eh? Hai Dohn't Hunerstand.
Such a massive planet such as Kovarn VIII was bound to drag home a lot of freeborn space garbage.
No need for the second "such".
Okay, John-Boy.
Funny 'The Waltons' reference! Mum watched that damn show and made us watch it too, sometimes. "Good clean wholesome family entertainment." Meh.
The kid choked off a cry of alarm as Ford’s right fist slammed viscously into his solar plexus.
Viscous: having or characterized by viscosity <
viscous lava> - or the living oil slick that killed Tasha Yar in
'TNG:Skin of Evil'Vicious: marked by violence or ferocity : fierce <a
vicious fight>
'Nuff said.
However, a legitimate, last minute change down in the galley could have earned a real Starfleet crewman a really bad day
I love this whole scene, and especially this last line. I'd have hated to be a last minute newbie crew change there if that's all he used to pick him out as a falsie!
you know, I would have liked to have seen some poor new kid in Starfleet have a really bad day.
Nope, I totally disagree with Kadh here. I don't like to see undeserving people get pummelled by mistakes or random accidents of fate. Deserving people though... there's a different story.
I always liked characters like Mr. Kyle [TOS] ans Sonya Gomez [TNG], and was always aggravated when you suddenly never saw them again [more so with TNG+series...].
Ditto, Guv. My stories are all about how a ship isn't run by
only 7 key people. I'm all about showing the unseen crewmembers, and continuing to show the same ones in the same positions - promotions notwithstanding. I really enjoy shows with ensemble casts, and that's the angle I'm looking to develop.
Kinda need to do a few more stories myself though. Gotta stop planning the 50,000 word books though and just do 20,000 word novellas or something, like the Guv here.
Oh, and it's great that the slutty nurse from the 'Evil Entity' ep not only survived, but is going to become a regular supporting character! Yay!
“Alright…” Travers replied with a drawn out sigh. “We’ll do this your way. I’ll keep my boys and girls out of your uniforms. So long as the information I request isn’t altered before it reaches me.”
I'm really proud of Ford in this scene. Keep the fakes out of the Uniform! Respect the Uniform!
Though, what about genuine Fleet officers who are also in 31, like the SSTF from SFC? Jaeih did a story about that...
“Romulan plasma torpedoes. The old style type, caseless, magnetically guided. And…sabotaged. The magnetic guidance systems won’t lock in on Starfleet warp fields. Our ships will be perfectly safe.”
Just curious: How would a magnetic guidance package home on on a warp field? I'm not really expecting an answer. Me and Larry have already had this argument...
Chevy watched the older man depart. He wasn’t comfortable working with Section 31 again after all these years. But the trade off was too tempting to ignore. 31 would be operating around here whether he allowed them to and worked with them or not. Since they would be, he may as well reap the benefits of their working in his sector.
Good ethical dilemma with Ford adopting a practical outlook for the resolution. A lot of Feds would have said this gives 31 quasi-legitimacy, cooperating with Fleet officers, but if they're going to be there anyway. This is a very "the ends justifies the means" scene.
The Shuttle
Sanchez is very cool looking, and I like him. However, apart from wanting him to look like an F-22, why the wings? You say he has an actual warp reactor on board (and a transporter. Must be very crowded and noisy in there! Or maybe like the Tardis...) so it can't be for tankage.
Ronald angled his visual array lower to overlook that area. The armor casemate was indeed open to space there. What it meant was not apparent from their current vantage. “I can’t tell. We’ll have to change our vantage point to get a better look… But I think that’s its engine section.”
Heh... anyone else getting the
Valiant vs. Dominion Battleship feeling here?
Ya' know, I think, if I were Davenport, Smith, and Bronstein, I'd never set foot in a shuttle again. There was that whole 'plasma storm' incident, and now they're being chased by the entire Ya'wenn navy.
Exciting chapter. Loved the temptation to lob a torpedo into the battleship. Very...us.
Also, very fond of this exchange...
Quote“Just do it, helm!”
“Did I say I wasn’t?”
Never, on most shows, does the guy being told 'just do it' remind anyone that he already is, damnit.
I totally second everything Larry says here.
Bronstien looked back from the cockpit where he remained busy in dodging the alien’s efforts to track them down.
If there are multiple aliens, the proper possessive is: "the aliens' efforts".
Bronstien and Smith both nodded, the later bending to replace the open access panels before resuming his station.
Should be "latter".
(Yes, I know, you don't care. I do, so suck it up!
)
“Dining of ashes, aren’t we?”
Kirk says it as "Dining
on ashes?" in STVI. Seems to be a Biblical analogy: Psalms 102:9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping.
I really liked Ford going over his battle. I'm pretty sure every military officer goes over his past actions when lives are lost, to see where he went wrong, what he could have done better, where lives could have been saved - so that if there is a next time, he can save them. It's called learning from your mistakes, and so few of us really do...
It's cool he's using StratCom to go over his options with simulations too.
“Two minutes.”
“I have a watch!”
I love this scene too, and the Genesis Device comparison gave the correct image to hold onto. His frustration with the "non-standard part" is absolutely priceless!
I have to agree with the "7 minutes not seeming urgent" comment, but also agree with Larry that since it wasn't urgent to Davenport, that's the way it should have been written. It's great that the worriers inside are irritating him, being outside.
Though, wouldn't his watch be on his wrist and make the checking of it difficult in a spacesuit?
Our larger capitol vessels...
Capitol: a building [or group therof] in which a state legislative body meets [the US's
Capitol Building]
Capital: chief in importance or influence <
capital ships>
(P.S. All spellings & definitions are taken from the American Merriam-Webster online dictionary, available here:
http://www.webster.com/)
And finally...
“She didn’t get naked, did she?”
Great scene, very amusing and humorous, and as Larry says, very TOS, rounding off an ep with a comradely laughing scene. Great ending to a great story.
