Topic: White Star: Episode One - Brave New World  (Read 25952 times)

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Offline Scottish Andy

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White Star: Episode One - Brave New World
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:19:56 pm »
Introduction

I honestly cannot remember why I started this story, but I think it was due to my interest in trying to modify the SFC SparrowHawk model to make it look more detailed. I didn't manage it because it is such a simple model, but looking over it, and remembering my site has a SparrowHawk in the Rihannsu shiplist, and after reading the final installments of Diane Duane's Rihannsu series, I kinda got interested in this.

Besides, I think it was about time I had my own Rihannsu characters. So, this was started in May this year, and added to little since then. What you see here is all I have, but I hope that by posting it I'll keep working on it.

So, here we have what is still provisionally called 'Rihannsu Scout Mission' in my Word file.

As always, all constructive criticism is gratefully received.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2009, 05:56:21 pm by Scottish Andy »
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Brave New World - Chapter One
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2007, 04:40:23 pm »
Chapter One

The limb of the planet Khazara was giving birth to her home star. SubCommander Hdeian tr’Tyrava gazed out of the clearsteel panel of the orbital transfer shuttle at the glorious sight before him and used its spectacular beauty to centre himself and organise his chaotic thoughts.

Of course, he was excited. Being placed in command of a ship of your own for the first time does that to a person, he mused, trying to maintain his outwardly stoic demeanour even though we was grinning like a fool on the inside. Of course, being the son of an acknowledged Ship-Clan is no longer the barrier to my career as it once was, he acknowledged gratefully. Those circumstances had finally secured his promotion to his current, exalted rank after languishing as a Senior Centurion for over a decade. A subsequent tour as the XO of a K7R-class battlecruiser helped him gain command experience, and since then the Powers That Be had deemed him ready for a command of his own.

Not only that, but an independent command with a mission brief that was eminently suited to the wanderlust in his soul imparted by his Ship-Clan heritage. SubCommander Hdeian tr’Tyrava had been set in authority over the survey cruiser RIS White Star and told to go exploring.

A survey cruiser! Hdeian exulted silently, and a cruise that combines intelligence gathering, resource cataloguing and even possible diplomatic overtures to other star nations! If such a ship and mission does not excite one’s blood to boil then one has no Fire at all, he concluded with all the smugness of youth. And not only that, she is armed enough to discourage any pirate or lesser ship from… rashness.

With the new administration in power and still busily cleaning out the corruption and hold-outs of the old, such new ventures were still somewhat risky propositions. The Grand Fleet had taken somewhat of a beating, but that was over eight years ago now and the shipyards had been busy, especially with the help of the Ship-Clan-settled colonies. Still, survey cruisers—and especially of the new SparrowHawk class—were at a premium, and to literally throw one away on an extended cruise outside of the Rihannsu sphere of influence when they were fairly urgently needed for seeking new resources within the Star Empire’s reach was unexpected to say the least.

To be the person entrusted with the success of such a mission was a huge responsibility not lightly taken, but after careful consideration—which had to be forced to stop the immediate “By all the Elements, YES!” that came to his lips upon being offered the assignment—he had decided the challenge was more than worth any possible risks, both at home and abroad.

The domestic risks were certain unscrupulous elements of his own government still trying to gain power in the usual way—causing his mission to fail by whatever means to discredit him, his clan, and the new government, to reflect badly on all. That such people would be slowing the Empire’s technological progress and putting the Empire at a disadvantage in dealing with the other stellar nations just didn’t seem to matter to them. It seemed that they would rather be the ultimate power in a technologically inferior nation than be a subordinate in an advanced one, and Hdeian—amongst others—could not understand that kind of narrow-minded, petty thinking.

As an example, research on antimatter power, despite it being a relatively simple process, was suppressed in order to maintain the Quantum Singularity Research Project’s massive budget (and hidden bribes and revenue flows to the corrupt). It had taken the scare the United Federation of Planets had given them nearly twenty years ago to force an alliance with the Klingons to get the antimatter technology for demonstrated high-speed warp right then rather than wait another indefinite period for AQS Drive project to produce a working device.

It had left the Empire at a distinct disadvantage during the war with the Earthers and their allies, but after nearly 130 years of research and failure, the New Series ships being built by the Rihannsu shipyards were indeed powered by artificial singularities, freeing the Empire of the need for dilithium. They could thus use the mineral purely for export and generate more much-needed revenue. But for those years, the Empire had remained isolated pretty much out of strategic necessity, and all due to the deliberately callous shortsightedness of those walking the halls of power.

However, such people were still around, and he had to be careful of malcontents among his crew in their pay, so as not to give the would-be overlords more ammunition to use against the new government.

“Your pardon, SubCommander,” the pilot quietly interrupted his thoughts. “We are on final approach to Star Dock Sixteen, and should have visual in… ten seconds. You wished to be informed.”

“Thank you, Specialist t’Auel,” Hdeian told the woman warmly and nodded. “You had no, ah... problems with your flight plan, I hope?”

“No, Sir.” She tried—unsuccessfully—to hide a smirk and Hdeian realised he must have already asked this question. This was confirmed when she decided to elaborate, no doubt in recognition of his own ill-concealed enthusiasm. “We often get requests from first-time commanders for the quarter-chain flypast of their new ships.” She waggled her fine eyebrows to demonstrate her amusement. “It may surprise you, Sir, to know how few commanders want to be beamed aboard their first command.”

Being of a friendly nature almost from birth, Hdeian had no problem with his conscripted pilot being so familiar with him as long as she offered the proper respect. He hoped she did not behave so with all officers in her charge, however, as even lowly subCenturia from the outermost provinces regularly thought that becoming an officer automatically conferred some sort of high nobility on them, and as such would have likely tried to space her in a righteous fury at the affront.

It is quite likely, however, that she knows all this and can just read my hlai-like eagerness like a sheet of flimsiplast, he acknowledged ruefully as he smiled easily at her.

“I suppose each commander thinks he’s being original, even though he’s probably heard the same story from one of his own previous commanding officers at some point,” Hdeian said at last, but then the star dock holding his ship—his!—appeared in the distance and he abruptly went quiet with anticipation.

The small point of light that had finally resolved itself from the glare of the planet grew steadily larger, separating into discreet light sources held on a box lattice framework and illuminating the vessel inside.

Jaina t’Auel held silent from long experience and merely approached the dock from behind and low, allowing her passenger to take in the glory of a warship of the Empire.

Hdeian stared at his ship as the shuttle proceeded slowly down the White Star’s centreline. This class of ship had taken much of Klingon design philosophy to heart, but she was very distinctly a Rihannsu vessel. She had a very shallow forward profile, wide rear section, and narrow forward hull that had a Klingon-derived neck and command pod. However, the pod itself was more of a sleek arrowhead than a bulb, and the traditional Klingon vulnerability of the long neck was reduced by gracefully fairing in the wide, flat wings that contained the modular part of his cruiser’s design. The long, wide delta wings were tipped by a nacelle each, and a further, more avian-like pair of wings curved gracefully inward and upward to brace the third nacelle mounted over the centreline and almost entirely past the end of the aft hull.

Overall, the ship itself looked like an advanced, organically-curved, delta-shaped atmosphere fightercraft built to cruiser-scale, resembling a barbed arrowhead from above.

As they travelled slowly down the centreline of the White Star the broad expanse of her wings stretched out above them. The silver-grey of her central body was ornamented with the dark grey and jewelled, emerald-green glowing of the shuttlebay support systems, and her wide, gently upward-curving wings were decorated with the spread-winged feathers of a Bird of Prey.

Moving forward, the underside of the “neck” of the ship was illuminated by two decks of portholes below the flare of the wings, where the crew quarters were located. Finally getting to the arrowhead that held the ship’s bridge, forward phase disruptors, and sensors, Hdeian could really drink in not only the functional arrangement of the pod but also the stylistic beauty that the Rihannsu shipwrights had worked into her. The head itself looked like a bird of prey on the hunt, with flared wings, streamlined body, and sharp beak.

His pilot brought the shuttle around in a lazy arc to approach the ship from forward-port and at a greater relative height. From this new angle Hdeian could truly appreciate the sweeping grace and beauty of the SparrowHawk design as a whole. All too soon he would be aboard her, walking through Fleet-standard corridors and rooms. He wanted to retain a vivid image of his ship in his mind, both to remind himself of just how beautiful she was and the better to examine how others might see her when confronted with her, bereft of context or knowledge of who he was or whom he represented.

Looking over her now, Hdeian could see her graceful lines, her flowing curves, that she looked as if she was going at warp speed even standing still, and the very slenderness of her components made her look nimble and fleet. One thing that Hdeian only just noticed, lost in considering all her other attributes, was that the White Star didn’t actually look mean or aggressive—quite the departure from the usual school of both Klingon and Rihannsu design practices.

His pilot guided the shuttle along the leading edge of the main wing, taking them out to the port nacelle and giving them a real idea of the ship’s true dimensions. Travelling along the inside of the port nacelle, in between the upper and lower wing surfaces, Hdeian got a good, close at the quiescent immensity of the engine that would propel his ship faster than light. Each of the three nacelles took up a third of the total length of his ship.

Jaina brought his tour of the ship to an end by gracefully curving around in an arc that reversed their direction and brought the inspection pod back under the belly of the ship. The shuttlebay doors remained closed and she brought the pod to a halt.

White Star, this is Shipyard Transfer Shuttle 109 requesting permission to dock,” she spoke crisply into the intercom.

“Transmit your clearance code,” the cold voice responded curtly.

Hdeian’s face hardened and from the corner of his eye he saw Jaina’s shoulders tense up at the insolent, disrespectful tone of one of his crew.

I will make sure to teach that… person… some manners, he vowed in a cold fury. They are either a fool or an incompetent, and I will not tolerate such on my ship!

If they knew it was the ship’s new commander aboard the shuttle then they were playing with fire in earning that commander’s wrath. If they didn’t know he was aboard then they were being negligent of their duty.

All this flashed thought his head in a microsecond. Before his pilot could respond, he reached out to restrain her automatic, if angry, compliance.

“If I may, t’Auel…?”

Surprised, she merely nodded.

Touching a control, Hdeian spoke in a conversational tone. “White Star, identify yourself please.”

The cold, curt voice seemed to leap into an instant fury at not being immediately obeyed. “Transmit your clearance code now, STS-109, or I will have you destroyed for failure to comply!” the speaker practically screamed.

“Transmitting,” Hdeian stated flatly, though Jaina could see the anger smouldering in his eyes. She wondered what kind of response they would get now. The clearance codes were not just permissions, they also conveyed details of who issued the authorisation and the status of the passenger or cargo carried. By now, the… overly-excitable… officer on the other side of the comm. channel should know that their new commander had witnessed their behaviour.

To Jaina’s considerable surprise, the only response they got was the shuttlebay doors gliding slowly and silently open.

“My thanks for the fly-past, t’Auel,” Hdeian told her with a brief but more-than-ample bow. “If I could trouble you to remain, I dare say you might have a passenger for the return trip to the starbase.”

“As you say, SubCommander,” she agreed equably with a bow of her own.

Hdeian nodded. “This should not take long.”
« Last Edit: April 18, 2008, 11:35:43 am by Scottish Andy »
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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2007, 05:07:17 pm »
Well, I'll have to say that it has been a long time since I have read a "fresh" Romulan story. It comes with welcome to these eyes.

As for nits/gripes/good stuff etc...

Quote
STS-109

A gentle nod to Columbia and the Hubble space telescope mission? Or just random chance? I think its cool either way.

Quote
What you see here is all I have, but I hope that by posting it I'll keep working on it.

First, as the only gramar related issue I found (for you, Guv...), I have to excuse it, since a.) I do that alot when posting freehand, and b.) there is no other; I felt obliged to at least point it out, in good fun, of course.

Second, I hope that you keep posting more ;)

Czar "Nothing more at this time" Mohab, who would like more, please![/color]
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Offline Commander Maxillius

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2007, 07:06:54 pm »
Deck officer, extra crispy please!


and hold the lettuce
I was never here, you were never here, this conversation never took place, and you most certainly did not see me.

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2007, 10:45:57 pm »
*EVIL MONKEY POINTS FINGER*!!!!!!!!

--EVIL MONKEY!!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2007, 03:35:40 pm »
Yes, the STS-109 is a reference to the Columbia's last successful mission and safe landing. I'm not sure why that was in there, since the shuttle was lost in Feb. 2003, and I last updated this story in May 2007. Whyever I did this, it is an homage to the Columbia.

No comments on my TMP-style lovign description of a SparrowHawk? ;D

And Guv... I have no idea what you mean. I am familiar with Evil Pointing Monkey from Family Guy, but... eh?

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2007, 07:08:08 pm »
I like the intro and want more of this story.  Like the Rommie feel to it, preserved despite us being in the protagonist's head and able to sense his excitement and wonder and other such non-Romulan things. ;D  One thing I dislike about many attempts at Romulan stories is that a lot of fan fic writers just show us the outward faces of the characters, and they all tend to be ambitious xenophobes who aren't nearly as smart as they'd like to think.  It's believable that Romulan military culture encourages such an outward persona, but much like your favorite Kirk line from The Final Reflection in regard to the Klingons...there's got to be more to them.  You show that, and kudos to you.  Keep it up.

The ship is lovingly described.  I just despise the name.  I know Jaeih always pointed out that the Sparrowhawk's were B5 White Stars.  Always.  Every time you mentioned the ship class.  Those once-constant reminders (which would be welcome if it meant she were on more) combined with a strong dislike of B5 make me cringe every time the name is mentioned. ;D  Personal quibble there, that has no real bearing on the story, though I would like to hear some explanation of why it's named that 'in-character'.  Seems a bit happy for a Rommie vessel.

Anyhow...keep it comin'.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2007, 10:49:03 pm by Commander La'ra »
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2007, 09:58:18 pm »
Am still reading.

Right now...all I have to mention is that you've misspelled center and a few other words... (centre...jeez...what were YOU thinkin'?)  ;D :D

Till I finish...
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World - Introduction
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2007, 10:28:00 pm »
NOW...I am done.

Anywho, I am liking the start of this one, and unlike my brother from another maternal unit, I have no problems with the ship's name. To an Eather, it'll be a bunch of pseudo-latin gibberish anyway.

As I was never a fan of Diane Duane or Daina Carey or many of the older Trek authors, I can't say I like the Rihannsu bit. The over use of overly elaborate names and titles with a myriad of apostrophies just make my eyes water. A character, particularly the MAIN character, should have a relatively simple name, and at least a name one is relatively sure he is pronouncing correctly if he/she bothers to talk to a buddy about that story.

Essentially, you have avoided this. You're using regular ranks and I can look at the main character's first name and liken it to Adrian or Hadrian so I'm not looking at said name as though I can't remember who he is. Bravo! I also, and from the get-go, LIKE him! He gets rankled by a smug-fleet-SOB who challenges his shuttle, and sets out to right the problem. And this happens AFTER you go through all the trouble of showing WHAT A NICE, DECENT MINDED FELLOW HE IS. None of that: "Well, I'll set his straight during the first briefing or take him asside and coach him in the way I want him to behave..." No, it's more like: "I'm sending his happy-ass down the road, smart mouth jerk-off!" I really like that.

I have no particular like or dislike of the ship. I'll have to fire up SFC3 with my add-on just to remind myself what it is/looks like/has got. I have a great impression, however, from your discription of her to know which ship I'm probably looking for. So this alone says something about your ability to tell me what it looks like. You compare the ship's structure to that of a fighter craft, which is kinda cool, and also to a bird of prey one the hunt, which is expected. The overall detail you give it adds detail that most game graphics don't get at. So the scene really shows that your prospective captain is really enjoying what he's seeing.

Knowing only that this story is some kind of 'Rihannsu Scouting Mission', I can say that I'm looking forward to more. This isn't so much because of the quality or lack therof of the first bit... It's actually just because I know already that if you wrote it...it's gonna be good!

'nuff of my babbling! On with the show!

[BTW: Evil Monkey continues to point! Can you guess why?]
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2007, 12:36:48 pm »
Wow, that was some awesome responses. I'm hoping for more of them, too. I actually sat down and wrote chapter 2 yesterday, so I'll be posting that at some point this week. After reading the Guv's second comment, I had to be sure I'd not accidentally posted it already!

Now, to address the comments...

Quote
Deck officer, extra crispy please!

and hold the lettuce
:D  Wait for it!

Quote
...sense his excitement and wonder and other such non-Romulan things.
Ah, Larry, Larry. Ain't that racial profiling? ;D  This guy is of the more moderate, liberal, previously-suppressed-by-the-old-government persuasion. Which is why his type are rarely encountered except as beaten down mid-level officers. The new government, being of his clan, wants him to do well. For full details of the change of Rommie leadership, you'd have to read The Empty Chair, book 5 of the Rihannsu series. BUt as a quickie: the old 'Roms as we know them' regime has been kicked out by a successful civil war and coup in 2276 by the suppressed Ship Clans, and the RSE was under Fred protection from the Klingons while they rebuilt. It is now 2284 and they're almost back up to par after the loss of scores of vessels. The new government is once again idealistic, but still proud Roms who probably rankled under Fred protection.

Quote
I would like to hear some explanation of why it's named that 'in-character'
Good idea. It doesn't strike me as a good Rommie ship name either, but now that I've made her a survey cruiser in Jaeih's absence, I'm sure I can come up with something.

Quote
...you've misspelled center...
;D
British English rules OK!

Quote
I also, and from the get-go, LIKE him!
Yay! I want him to be a likeable hard-nose. Fair but not afraid to stand up and be counted, and make what he does, count. My own version of Ford, you might say. ;) I'm also glad you like the names.

Quote
So the scene really shows that your prospective captain is really enjoying what he's seeing.
Yup. This guy never thought he'd get a ship of his own, so when he does and it's this good, he's only just holding on to his cookies. Its also why I compared my "quarter-chain flypast" (i.e. ten cent tour) with Kirk & Scotty's Enterprise flyby from TMP.

Quote
It's actually just because I know already that if you wrote it...it's gonna be good!
Awww. Who knew this guy could be so sweet?  Seriously, he's making me blush.

If I can start writing chapter 3 this week, I'll post chapter 2 on late this week.
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2007, 03:08:56 pm »
Very nice beginning Andy.  Being a rom fan I really love reading just about anything from the rom perspective.  I really want to read some more so hurry it up a bit will ya ;) (and now i have to finish the empty chair...)
Rob

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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2007, 05:29:04 pm »

I'll have to say that I've not ever read the Rihan-whatever series. I do like when the "bad guys" become the "good guys", and therefore, like I said, I can't wait to read more.

Personally, my favorite part was the explanation of the change in warp drive. It makes sense that a semi-corrupt entity would risk everything just to pocket a few more bucks and eventually get the work done; this also connects 3rd gen Romulan ships to TNG era (that would be what, 5th? 6th gen?) canon, and could be very easily taken in.

Having SFB/SFC knowledge was unneeded during the ship's description phase, because you did a dern fine job there. But, having that knowledge, I could more easily see both the background (i.e. Romulan Modular ship design, SFB) and how pretty this ship really is (SFC).

Its probably more of a Klingon thing to do, but perhaps have the snobby rommie "walk" to the waiting shuttle, which just happens to be about a meter or so outside the ship? Perhaps in an alternate reality, eh?

I am really itching to find out what exactly this ships mission is. I realize that the Romulans would want to survey planets, their borders, et al; but I am left wondering, what is the real meat and potatoes of this mission? Find a planet to colonize? Explore strange new worlds for fun? Be the first Rommie ship on the block with a confirmed kill of species XYZ? There are so many possibilities that I'm just left wondering. Its a good thing.

The CO doesn't seem the type to shoot first and ask later, more like he was born to explore. Pretty sure he's more than willing to do the fighting part for "emperor and country", kickin' butt and takin' initials (not slowin' down to take names :)). This gives him a "different kind of Rommie" feel, and I can see that this was your intention.

Like I said above, WAAAAY up there, looking forward to more.

Czar "Who Andyproofs Andy?" Mohab

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2007, 06:38:29 pm »
Quote
Ah, Larry, Larry. Ain't that racial profiling? ;D  This guy is of the more moderate, liberal, previously-suppressed-by-the-old-government persuasion. Which is why his type are rarely encountered except as beaten down mid-level officers.

Rarely encountered or rarely portrayed?  Like I said...more to them, and you've shown us that from the get-go.

Quote
The new government, being of his clan, wants him to do well. For full details of the change of Rommie leadership, you'd have to read The Empty Chair, book 5 of the Rihannsu series.

Stomach an entire Diane Duane novel?

Huh.  Just not seein' it as worth it. ;D
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2007, 10:44:20 pm »

British English rules OK!

The British have conquered Oklahoma? Larry! Why didn't you tell me you were living in oppression?!

Hang on, I'll go get my .270...

Honestly...the Brits can have OK. Just send me the Batfish.

--thu guv! [and the Evil Monkey who continues to point at Andy!]
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Andromeda

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2007, 01:57:37 am »
Taht was good.  I hated the Rihannsu thing when they started doing that in ST novels.  I read one and stopped when I found that was all there was going to be.  Ick.  Thankfullly you seem intent on keeping that to a minimum.

I agree with the Czar about wondering about the real mission. New ship, rookie captain that is bound to the government, he's particularly innocent.  Sounds like a setup to me.  It would be terrible to find the person behind the clearance request was his uncle, wouldn't it?

I am looking foreward to more.  I have a Romulan story floating around somewhere.  Maybe after Calyx I'll clean it up and start posting it.
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2007, 02:52:04 am »
The British have conquered Oklahoma? Larry! Why didn't you tell me you were living in oppression?!

Because it's a plot by the casino I work out to drain the British Isles of all their resources by turning them all into gambling addicts.  Silly redcoats.  When will they learn? ;D

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New ship, rookie captain that is bound to the government, he's particularly innocent.  Sounds like a setup to me.  It would be terrible to find the person behind the clearance request was his uncle, wouldn't it?

Glad to see I wasn't the only person paranoid enough to think of that...
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                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2007, 03:20:47 am »
I only found this: Sparrowhawk by Atolm,. So I, though I have such a detailed description, am still curious of the design. EDIT: this one?

Other then that I haven't got much left to add. I like the beginning, wonder if our main character is really that innocent and lovable (he must have a dark side too!) and am curious of Romulan discipline. What can/can't a Romulan commander do to his crew. Cause I wouldn't kick him out, but I'd make him clean jeffrey tubes with his toothbrush.
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2007, 11:41:00 am »
Hi all, many thanks for the continued commenting. It's great to cause so much speculation! I honestly have no idea where this is going, but who knows? I may take up some of your speculations as the plot line!

As to the Rihannsu books, you should all know that I like the concept since I've called this Rihannsu Scout Mission instead of Romulan Scout mission. I really like emphasising the differences in cultures, showing that though motivations can be the same, the trappings, semantics, proverbs and attitudes will be different. I celebrate and encourage anyone who does this, and those that do this in a manner I like, I incorporate into my own STU.

I like the apostrophed, half-Welsh, half-Gaelic names (small surprise there) just because they are different - though Guv's point about the lead characters having easy names to reference is well taken. I really don't like aliens portrayed as humans with different ranks and ears and noses. Speech patterns are different as a result of translation, and the same will be true of the Universal Translator. For talking amongst themselves, as Larry likes to put as an example, posh people still talk posh to each other, and commoners :D will still talk in their local dialect.

Grim, Atolm's SparrowHawk is one of his original creations. He is brilliant at  re-imagining classic or established designs and creating radical new ones. He is a truly gifted designer. That said, his ship looks nothing like the stock SFC SparrowHawk model as supplied with the game out of the box.

The model from SFC3 files is a re-imagined version of the stock SFC SparrowHawk model, along the lines of trhe 70s to 00s Battlestar Galactica. I believe it too might be Atolm's, but I'm not sure. My description mostly matches up to this model, but the stylistic differences stop ot from fully matching up. I've included two pics of the ship my character is actually looking at.
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Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2007, 12:22:23 pm »
thx man, makes it easier on the little gray cells!
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole

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Brave New World - Chapter Two
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2007, 08:19:41 pm »
Okay, here's the second part, written just after I posted the first and before getting all these awesome comments. Lemmie know what you think. I'll start writing part three maybe tomorrow night.



Chapter Two

What was obviously a hastily gathered honour party greeted Hdeian as he embarked. His glacial gaze swept the assembled officers as he stalked up to them. He had familiarised himself with the dossiers of the crew assigned to him—as so junior a commander and only recently in favour anyway, he was not allowed to appoint his own choices for key positions—and he found his fury climbing higher as none of the officers assigned to the bridge communications station were present. Still, formalities had to be maintained, and he restrained his anger as the woman he recognised as his new exec greeted him.

“SubCommander tr’Tyrava, I am Senior Centurion t’Kaldaiith, your Executive Officer. On behalf of the senior staff, I welcome you aboard. If I may present your officers…?”

Giving her a curt nod but nothing else, Hdeian followed her down the line of officers. They were, like himself, mostly Debrune Rihannsu – as indeed was most of the Empire now after a millennium and a half of interbreeding. T’Kaldaiith herself seemed to be a Pureblood, as she had no sign of the heavy brow ridges common to the other officers.

As they walked down the line of officers, each thumped their fist to their breastbone in the traditional salute of allegiance. Normally, he would have taken the time to speak a few words to each officer to get a feel for their personalities and begin building a rapport with them. Right now, however, he was coldly furious and only interested in finding that mannerless cur and physically kicking him off his ship – all the way from the bridge to the shuttle bay, if necessary. The thought of actually doing so gave him a savage pleasure.

In the back of his mind, he knew that his own reaction was all out of proportion to the offence, but this incident had spoiled his own enjoyment of coming aboard his first command. And whoever had committed this heinous crime, he thought in all seriousness, is going to pay!

He barely heard their names but managed to be pleased that the names he had attached to these faces matched up to who his XO introduced them as.

“Senior Centurion Alma tr’Nai, Master Engineer. Senior Centurion Gwuii t’Henaraii, Weapons Master. Centurion Dheim tr’Naithor, Enforcement Master. Centurion Liriana t’Orek, Master Surgeon. Centurion Neeru tr’Foren, Master Helm. Centurion Courig tr’Arai, Sciences Master.”

At the end of the line, the position of Communications Master was conspicuously absent. Not only that, no junior member of that department was present in the Master’s stead either. It was a serious breach of protocol.

At this, Hdeian whirled upon his XO. Even in his anger, his own innate courtesy forced out an acknowledgement for his XO’s efforts. “My thanks, Centurion. Where is the representative from Communications?”

T’Kaldaiith’s pale complexion became slightly green-tinged as she blushed. “My sincere apologies, subCommander,” she began, her voice under complete control even if her blood wasn’t. “The –”

Her next words remained unspoken as a junior officer rushed onto the shuttle bay deck. A quick glance was all it took to determine he was not one he was familiar with, which meant he was not the Department Head. The youth stumbled into the lineup and grew green with either embarrassment and/or rage at being shown up in front of the senior staff and his new commander.

“Ah, here he is now,” t’Kaldaiith recovered smoothly. “AnteCenturion Jaran tr’Naekarin, Cryptography Officer.” Addressing the boy, she demanded, “Explain your lateness, AnteCenturion!”

“Madam, I beg forgiveness. I was roused from sleep after a long previous shift, not five minutes ago!” The boy obviously wanted to say more, but the others were studiously ignoring him, and making it clear in their silence that they found it an affront to have their timeliness be brought down by his tardiness. Any further desire for verbal explanation withered under this avalanche of disapproval.

Hdeian shared the emotion, if not for the same target. Once again focusing on his XO, he demanded of her, “Why was he roused for my greeting party when I distinctly heard someone operating the communications station some seven minutes ago? If that person was not qualified, why then rouse this boy and not the Communications Master himself?”

The uncomfortable silence of the ‘honour guard’ and t’Kaldaiith’s loss for words that immediately followed his questions indicated a massive problem already on his ship, and he hadn’t even been aboard her for as long as that dupe of a boy has been awake!

“Centurion, I asked you a question!” Hdeian ground out, Fire in his eyes and murder on his mind. “Where is subCenturion tr’Raeteol, the Communications Master?”

T’Kaldaiith’s shoulders slumped and she seemed to deflate at the utterance of that name. “He will most likely be in his quarters, Sir,” she told him dejectedly.

“WHAT!?!” he roared, making them all flinch but surprising none of them. Hdeian could not believe his ears. He knew that tr’Raeteol’s father was an influential figure in Homeworld politics, but he was the most junior of the command staff. Yet here was his XO, slitting her own throat in front of her CO rather than have him dragged down here. The cur was obviously trying to wriggle out of is blunder, but any CO worth their command would have demanded an explanation instead of glossing over the non-appearance of a minor officer, but it was possible that young tr’Naekarin was supposed to have taken the blame for the incident over the com, and just hadn’t had the time to have been briefed. The XO couldn’t have failed to ask why he was late, and if she had, Hdeian would certainly have done it for her.

His voice now totally devoid of emotion, brooking no disobedience or evasion, he asked her one last question. “Who talked to my pilot as she requested landing clearance?”

“It was subCenturion tr’Raeteol, Sir,” she managed to say.

“All of you, wait here,” he growled and stalked towards the shuttle bay turbolift, leaving his command crew standing at attention.

****

Minutes later he stood before the quarters of subCenturion Kai tr’Raeteol, Master Communications Officer of the White Star, and third son of one of the most powerful industrialists in the Empire, being counted among such Noble Houses as Radaik and Rial.

Hdeian used his commander’s clearance codes to override the cabin’s privacy lock and strode right in. The man occupying the room held a private comm. screen which he immediately darkened as he looked up guiltily. The guilt was mingled with anger, as it always was in such people. Hdeian took the time to match this person’s face with the one he’d memorised from their service record, and without stopping to even listen to any protestations, hauled the cur from behind his desk.

The two men were of a size; thin, wiry, with the sinuous strength of a marathon runner than the bulging muscles of a weight lifter. However, tr’Raeteol was twenty years younger – which meant nothing to a 50 standard-year-old Rihannsu – and took less care with his fitness regime than did Hdeian. The commander also had the advantage of superior rank, and surprise. The whelp came easily.

“What’re – you – doing!” the boy demanded in outrage as he was propelled from his room and pushed through the corridors of the ship. Hdeian decided at the last minute to parade this thing down the open sections of the ship rather than take the quicker turbolift, the better that anyone who saw would know that parental status meant nothing to any true Fleet Officer. An object lesson in the chain of command was apparently sorely needed aboard this vessel.

“Let go of me!” the youth demanded, squirming in Hdeian’s grip.

Such disgusting behaviour! he noted acidly. You’d think he was just out of Secondary School instead of being a graduate of the Naval Academy and a Fleet Officer of eight years’ service! It’s apparent to me his commission was bought by his father…

“I demand you let go of me! Do you know who I am?” the “officer” shouted loudly, trying to intimidate his superior officer into bending to his will.

Hdeian cuffed him on the back of the head as he would a disobedient child.

“How dare you! You’ll pay for that!” the boy screeched.

“If you’re not going to act like an officer, I need not treat you like one,” Hdeian spoke his first words to him.

“My father –” Kai started

“– is irrelevant,” Hdeian finished for him.

“You can’t treat me like this! Even… even Fleet regulations do not allow –”

“A cur like you has no idea what Fleet Regulations state. Now shut up or I will stun you and drag your unconscious carcass through the corridors of this ship.”

The very evenness and controlled tone of tr’Tyrava’s voice just increased the certainly of him carrying out his threat, but this son of privilege could not let it go.

“Where are you taking me?” he demanded next.

“You’ll see,” was the short reply, after which the subCommander wasted no more speech on his charge.

****

“What do you think he’s doing?” Gwuii t’Henaraii asked the group at large.

“Which one?” Master Engineer tr’Nai asked back.

N’alae T’Kaldaiith glared at both of them. “Silence!” she ordered wrathfully.

Gwuii snorted. “Yeah, right. Who’s gonna tell him we’re discussing it, Senior Centurion?”

“I gave you an order! Now shut your mouth, you base-born bitch!”

“Ahhh, it all comes out now,” Gwuii nodded knowingly, deflecting the insult by refusing to be insulted by it. She was not ashamed of her commoner upbringing, and was in fact very proud of rising so high in the Fleet despite it. Using it to her advantage, she twisted the attack back upon her attacker. “Don’t you worry, Executive Officer. It’s unlikely that any of us will need to tell our Fiery new commander that you cannot command your way out of wet paper bag and that none of us care what you think or do. I’m sure he’ll find that out really quickly all on his own – if he doesn’t believe it already.” Another thought occurred to her and she sank the blade in even deeper. Affecting a surprised look, she added, “Oh, maybe whatever he’s doing to that arrogant young bastard he’ll do to you too, and I’ll get promoted to Executive Officer myself!”

Tr’Nai grinned and the others looked away, suppressing smirks of their own.

T’Kaldaiith went bottle green and screamed. “You WILL respect my authority on this ship!”

“Smart woman,” Gwuii noted, as if in an aside to her conspirator. “She’s not demanding we respect her, only her position.” Addressing her directly, the weapons master continued, “Yes, Executive Officer. What would you have us do?”

“Just keep silent until he returns,” N’alae ordered tightly, her voice betraying tremors.

“Yes Madam Executive Officer, Sir! We shall be as silent as a freshly-dug grave. No sound will escape our lips. Not one utterance will be… well, uttered. You will think this room was full of corpses, or mutes. Yes indeed, we shall be as silent –”

SHUT UP!!!

****

It had been a long walk, but Hdeian finally reached the shuttle bay again. The swish of the doors opening in front of him was a pleasure all its own, as by now the constant stream of complaints, demands, threats, and pleading had convinced him of nothing else but the necessity of getting this thing off his ship, and if possible, out of the Fleet uniform.

Looking across the deck, his command staff were exactly where he left them, though it looked like his Exec was going to have a stroke. In the other direction, the t’Auel’s travel pod waited still. He angled towards it.

“Centurion tr’Naithor, kindly escort our former Communications Master back to the starbase and ensure he does nothing… rash. Also ensure that his manners are correct in dealing with the pilot. Once he has been physically transferred to the starbase, return by transporter. I will query her after your return to ensure there was no… unpleasantness. Acknowledge and comply.”

Tr’Naithor started at the use of Klingon-style orders, but wisely subsided and merely responded in the proper Rihannsu fashion. Thumping his fist to his breastbone, he bowed at the neck and stated, “I hear and obey.”

They both boarded the small shuttle. “Secure him,” he ordered his security chief, then entered the cockpit.

“T’Auel, my thanks for waiting. I am sending my Enforcement Master along with you to ensure this person causes you no trouble. He will beam back. I will send a report to your supervisor detailing these events. On the off chance they wish to cause trouble and I am off on my mission, refer them to my Clan. They will take care of you.”

Jaina looked at him oddly. “If I may, Sir, you are a most unusual man. Lowly shuttle pilots are not offered the protection of such powerful benefactors.”

Hdeian smiled, though somewhat sadly. “This is so, but it is unfortunate that this is so. I hope to change that.”

“You honour me beyond reason,” she responded quietly, and offered him a bow so sincere and lengthy he had to push her upright himself.

“Everyone is worthy of courtesy and respect until they prove otherwise by their actions or words. You are a more honourable and worthy person than the useless carcass you now drag back to the base, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Now go, and contact me after my centurion returns.”

“It shall be done.”

“Very good. Fair flying, t’Auel,” he bade her farewell, and turned to go.

“You may call me Jaina,” she offered.

He halted and faced her again, startled but pleased at her gift, and smiled. “Thank you, Jaina,” he told her warmly, gripping her arm. “Maybe when next we meet you will impress me enough that I will give you mine.”

“’Til next we meet, subCommander,” she replied. He could tell she was a bit disappointed he hadn’t responded in kind, but rewards had to be earned or they held no value.

He exited the shuttle and watched it leave the ship, passing through the atmospheric forcefield. The pleasure and satisfaction he felt at the completion of this task and at the demands of honour being met began to ebb, and disappeared into the background as he faced his recalcitrant crew.

“Any questions?” he demanded.

They all responded in the negative.

“Good. Have my belongings beamed over from the station and brought to my quarters. Staff briefing at 0600 tomorrow. Dismissed!”

He stood there with his fists on his hips, proud and defiant on the deck of his ship, and watched them go. This ridiculous mess is going to get cleared up right damn quick, or there’ll be more sudden exits like tr’Raeteol’s. But for the rest of today, I want to explore my new domain.

He set off from the shuttle bay, intent on giving himself a Commander’s Tour of the ship that was now his.

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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2007, 09:42:45 pm »
I haven't had so much satisfaction in reading someone else's writing in a long time.  Thank you.
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2007, 11:51:32 pm »
XO needs to learn when to be serious and when to relax a bit... I would have probably told them to keep it low and to lock it up as soon as the door started to open....

I like though :)
Rob

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2007, 11:52:31 pm »
AH!

That made me happy... Now for the XO to grow some balls. Slap that weapons officer down a notch or two.

Don't expect me to remember ANY of these names, though. I'm doing good to remember that the CO's looks kinda like Adrian...

I'm all for showing differences in culture and making it well known that the aliens are not human. But those old Rihannsu novels never did that for me. They mostly just bored the piss out of me. Making names overly elaborate didn't help this. Your story, on the other hand, has meat to it. I actually give a damn how your captain goes about his business, because you've made it interesting. I found very few DD or DC Trek books that accomplished this.

Feed me more!

--thu guv!
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2007, 01:08:59 am »
Ah yeahhh.  That's the Andy I know!  Not two chapters into the story and we already know which members of the crew hate each other's guts.  Unlike your Feddie stories, though, we have a CO who probably won't tolerate any....nonsense...

This is going to be fun.
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                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2007, 04:25:37 am »
Ah there is nothing like a fight to make this untempered steel into a weapon! I just hope he gets one soon, or he'll have many troubles on his hands.
Snickers@DND: If there is one straight answer in that bent little head of yours, you'd better start spillin' it pretty damn quick, or I'm gonna take a large, blunt object, roughly the size of Kallae AND his hat and shove it lengthwise up a crevice of your being so seldomly cleaned that even the denizens of the nine hells would not touch it with a 10-feet rusty pole

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2007, 02:06:10 pm »
Boy did I ever get the warm fuzzies from reading your comments! Thank you so much!

Quote
I haven't had so much satisfaction in reading someone else's writing in a long time.  Thank you.

Thank you, Rommie. I had a big happy grin on my face like you wouldn't believe after reading this little gem! I am very pleased you liked it. That chapter was my spontaneous, "it poured out of me" section. I now have to decide where I want to go next with these characters and this story.

Quote
XO needs to learn when to be serious and when to relax a bit
- Tus
Quote
Now for the XO to grow some balls. Slap that weapons officer down a notch or two.
- Guv
I'm wondering if I should keep these two as they are, and have them be the comedy relief for this voyage. Kinda like La'ra and L'dar bickering, but with exaggerated snarkiness. Yes/no? It's not really about growing balls, I think. The XO is quite vocal in her efforts. They just don't respect her. So, how does an ineffectual Rommie XO earn respect?

Quote
Don't expect me to remember ANY of these names, though. I'm doing good to remember that the CO's looks kinda like Adrian...

When I read the CO's name, I hear "h-Dee-an". Probably wrong, but... ;D

Quote
Your story, on the other hand, has meat to it. I actually give a damn how your captain goes about his business, because you've made it interesting.

Hurrah! Did my job right! *jerks around in a poor imitation of this video:
*

Quote
Ah yeahhh.  That's the Andy I know!

Lol... didn't realise internal conflict was my 'style'. :D

Quote
This is going to be fun.

I sure hope so. I certainly enjoyed writing this chapter.

Quote
Ah there is nothing like a fight to make this untempered steel into a weapon! I just hope he gets one soon, or he'll have many troubles on his hands.

Grim, I think he's established his dominion pretty well with that little stunt. He'd better just get out of dry-dock before t`Raeteol's supporters kick him back onto the ship!
I think I'll have this new guy throw his weight around. It's always been my opinion that Rom commanders have a lot of latitude in running their commands. A huge array of awards and punishments are available for him to choose from within the Regs, and nasty types always find ways of being even nastier. My guy's going to use his latitude.

Next up: a promotion for our Cryppie? A slapdown or pep talk for our Exec? A promotion or slapdown for our Weaps? Who knows what'll fall out my head next!
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Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2007, 02:21:47 pm »
I'm wondering if I should keep these two as they are, and have them be the comedy relief for this voyage. Kinda like La'ra and L'dar bickering, but with exaggerated snarkiness. Yes/no? It's not really about growing balls, I think. The XO is quite vocal in her efforts. They just don't respect her. So, how does an ineffectual Rommie XO earn respect?

No one is ineffectual if they actually care and try to change.  I think the problem is the XO takes her job too serously.  There is a time and a place to be hardass, she hasn't learned that yet.  Though I'll tell ya one thing, the more she yells the more i would just tune her out, its the quickest way to loose subordinates IMHO.  I also suspect that she has let her job go to her head a bit, and in doing so hasn't shown the respect due to others, and inturn is getting disrespect back.  Sounds to me that she is going to need a little heart to heart chat with the CO not to long into this voyage where he gives her feedback and gets her on the right path (maybe relate to her past expierences).  Frankly if she doesn't turn around and figure out how to get things done her career will be mighty short.
Rob

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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2007, 05:53:05 pm »
Hrmn....

Well, first off, I was reading it as Ha-DEE-an... The surnames I have trouble with pronouncing. Fhqwhgads was hard (and funny) enough to hear/say. Hopefully, there will be more clues as to who is who. I've kinda been just glazing over the names. :-[

Ye Olde Toure of ye Shipe, eh? Not too bad. Hinted even at possible romance, nice touch. Someone's going to get a spankin' outa that whole deal. Daddy spankin' CM? Daddy spankin' new CO? Or, not appropriate for sensitive readers? Time will tell.

There was some nay-saying about using White Star as the ship name. In this case, the name seems to fit the ship. As long as there isn't something like in B5, White Star 136, we should be fine. Seems like something a survey ship might find.

XO problems, eh? I'm with Tus on this issue, I don't think the XO has learned the finer points of command yet. Personal experience, along with some training, clearly shows the entire "respect" thing. She doesn't have to like anyone, but she does have to work with them, and rely upon them to do their job. If she tried to earn their respect, they'd be more likely to show the same in return. As for the Weps, its seems more like "How many buttons can I push", like a child with a new babysitter, seeing what they can get away with.

I didn't realize that the Rihanies were different from regular Romulans. I'll have to look into that to get the better background.

No, I won't do a complete breakdown of each chapter as it rolls out of your head, but I'll try to let you know I've at least read the bugger. I'll also try to get any comments in on it before you make your appearance and comment back, minimizing the amount of postings you might have to make.

Czar "Seriously, who Andyproofs Andy?" Mohab

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2007, 09:42:41 pm »
Yes, indeed. The CO's name reads more like H-Dee-An. But as I know no one with such a name, my mind automatically refers it to Adrian. It's a lil' trick I learned to make stories quicker and easier to read, especially when hard to remember names are used all the time.

Were I your XO and IF I had a Wep Officer who wanted to verbally slit my throat infront of the other officers, I'd have already handed him his liver. Her failing seems to me to have allowed it to come to the point where he feels cofortable/justified in doing this at all. Possibly this is because she doesn't know when to yell/over react. More likely, she just allowed him too much leeway in the past and it got out of hand. But then... every situation is different.

I'm looking forward to more!

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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2007, 01:37:52 am »
Your XO reminds me of this guy: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0021124/
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #30 on: November 08, 2007, 01:24:58 pm »
You know, you're exactly right, Rommie. I'd always wanted to see that movie, it looks like it suits my sense of humour. My one is not played for such heavy laughs, and I'm kinda thinking this'll get straightened out fairly soon, one way or the other.

Thanks for the other comments, I am taking everything on board. As a survey ship, I have more cargo space than usual for weird ploy ideas. ;)
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #31 on: November 08, 2007, 11:34:03 pm »
That movie was surprisingly engaging...
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #32 on: November 09, 2007, 12:04:32 pm »
Egad.  I go away to NaNoWriMo for a week and suddenly everyone starts posting. 
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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2007, 01:09:06 pm »
You're on NaNo? I did that 2 years ago... kinda. Got a whole bunch of started/unfinished stories from that ;D
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2007, 02:27:01 pm »
Egad.  I go away to NaNoWriMo for a week and suddenly everyone starts posting. 

... and then everyone stopped posting after you finally showed back up.  That's the kind of thing that will give someone a complex, ya' know.   :o
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2007, 10:56:45 pm »
I check in every nite, usually to find nothing going on.

This makes me sad... :(

--guv :-\
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #36 on: January 07, 2008, 10:24:30 pm »
Hi all, I'm working on a bridge between the two sections of what I have written, so I have a question.

To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

I need to know what is reasonable or expected before I can play around with it for a child of privilege.

Any donations gratefully received.
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #37 on: January 08, 2008, 09:45:06 pm »
To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

Well i'm not a navy guy, but i would imagine that he would be reporting to both personnel and the CO (probably CO first as imagine he would be pissed.  Personnel after whatever action they decide to get a new assignment).  There would most likely be some sort of punitive action, the minimum i would think would involve an Article 15 (the highest form of non-judicial punishiment) which can do a bunch of things to a person (probation, restriction, pay reduction, other fun little things that the CO may think of...minus reduction in rank for officers which does not happen.  Officers hold an office to which they cannot be removed except by separation).  for the US military an Article 15 for an officer is pretty much a career ender.  If the base CO (I don't think the subcommander can do this, i'm not sure though) wished he could procede with what we call an Article 32 hearing, which essential brings forth all the facts of the case.  The commander would then decide whether he wished to proceed with Court martial.  I'm a bit rusty, but I think you can only do one or the other, not both .  Basically if you give the guy an Article 15 he can't be brought up on charges until a further date (end of probationary period, if he doesn't meet the requirements he can be formally charged).  Now the GCM can decide to do non-judicial punishments, but as mentioned before its one or the other, not both at the same time. In most cases you will see alot of non-judicial punishment as some things there simply is not enough to take to trial for, so the article 15 provides documentation for that further down the road.  However I would imagine his flagrant disrespect for his superiors might warrant a courth martial, which could lead to a dishonarable discharge and possibly prison time.

BTW I am not expert and this is all off the top of me head. i've had many lessons on this but i might not be rememberin right.

« Last Edit: January 08, 2008, 10:15:08 pm by Tus »
Rob

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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #38 on: January 08, 2008, 10:10:22 pm »
Rob

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #39 on: January 09, 2008, 07:14:32 am »
To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

I need to know what is reasonable or expected before I can play around with it for a child of privilege.

I'd suggest not taking any answers letter for letter. It's not so much "how would our military handle it" but how would the Romulans. The kid is stuck up and feels a sense of entitlement which appears to be acknowledged by everyone except the main character. I'd imagine he'd head straight for a com station and contact his father as he doesn't seems to care about procedure enough to follow it in the first place. Consider treating him like minor nobility, no one takes him seriously, no one respects him but they let him run wild because his father is powerful or has connections. The chain of command might also be unlikely to enact any disiplanary action for fear of his father's power. Maybe they sweep it under the rug and quietly reassign him.

Anyone remember that snobbish officer who presided over the hearing at the end of Men of Honor? How about "The Rat" from the Stronghold game?
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #40 on: January 10, 2008, 05:33:32 pm »
I agree with Vipre.

Given the timeperiod, I'd make it seem somewhat Roman.

--guv
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #41 on: January 10, 2008, 06:27:43 pm »
Thanks for your input guys, especially yours Tus. Gave me just what I was after. It will of course vary as per Vipre's suggestion, but I needed something established to vary from.
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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #42 on: January 10, 2008, 09:53:35 pm »
Sorry I didn't get back to you on this (I had a lot thought out, just no time to write it). I do agree with Vipre, but knowing exacty what charges the US Navy would charge the bugger with would be a good start too, so...

Possible charges for being an SOB (One click on the first link is enough, the others are just a scroll away, and each section is in order):

889. ART. 89 DISRESPECT TOWARD SUPERIOR COMMISSIONED OFFICER

890. ART. 90. ASSAULTING OR WILLFULLY DISOBEYING SUPERIOR COMMISSIONED OFFICER.

892. ART. 92. FAILURE TO OBEY ORDER OR REGULATION

928. ART. 128. ASSAULT

933. ART. 133. CONDUCT UNBECOMING AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

934. ART. 134. GENERAL ARTICLE*

Possible charges for after the fact:

886. ART. 86. ABSENCE WITHOUT LEAVE**

887. ART. 87. MISSING MOVEMENT**

Long shot charges:

910. ART 110. IMPROPER HAZARDING OF VESSEL***

For NJP (Captain's/Admiral's Mast): It CAN be the ship's or station's CO. Since the ship is exiting and the guy isn't aboard, it is suitable for the station's CO to cunduct NJP at his discression. However, it is usually the offender's CO that cunducts the NJP. Death cannot be awarded (Why, oh why, did they ever choose "awarded" as your NJP result? "You've been awarded half Month's pay for three months, reduction in rank, and a week of work with A-Gang****." "Yes! Like winnin' the lotto, baby!") at NJP, but depending on the offence, can be awarded at CM.

USN Captain's/Admiral's Mast... Not much time to fully comment fully, just remember the table is covered in a green cloth. Not very Romulan, I don't think. i just know its green, don't ask me why.

Czar "Hope that helped some" Mohab, who knows it prolly didn't since he came so late to the party.

P.S. Standard naval practice was at one time to post 77-134 on the door to the stalls in the head so you'd have something to read. Some still there... some words highlighted, such as, but not limited to: "penetration", "sexual", "sex", and any typo's.

*The catch-all article. If you F'd up but it isn't written in those above it, they could just slap you with the General.

**Would be one, not both. Most likely in this case, missing movement. But, since he was ordered off, might not be charged, would depend on the court/NJP and if his CO charged him with it.

***He did hazard them, a little, didn't he?

****Best link I could find that described what they really do. Poor fellas. Sometimes, they find corn in the tank. Sometimes, they pretend to eat it, other times, they do eat it. Still other times, they find stuff that got flushed by mistake. Underwear, shirts, papers, trinkets, etc...


« Last Edit: January 11, 2008, 10:09:24 am by Czar Mohab »
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #43 on: January 31, 2008, 02:18:06 pm »
Thanks Czar for that input, it was most enlightening. I think I'm going to combine these kinds of charges with the Romulan-style discipline we saw in 'TOS: Balance of Terror' and go with Courts-Martial that are only convened for servicebeings who cause death or loss of government property (like, say, a ship or outpost). People want accountings for stuff like that. Being a more militarily-based culture, and being the type of people the Roms are, there are going to be a whole lot more 'incidents' in general, so convening Courts-Martial for the same things as the US Navy goes for would result in too many officers tied up in trials and too many damn trials. So, Rom COs have much larger discretionary powers as a result.

In simpler language, I'm including most Court-Martrial charges and punishments at the Admiral's Mast. ;D

Since I'm taking notes, planning where I want to go with this, and possibly even going to do some effin writing - if I can get away from playing Mass Effect - I'm hoping to havbe another chapter here by Sunday evening.

We'll see.
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Brave New World - Chapter Three
« Reply #44 on: February 16, 2008, 08:42:22 pm »
Hi Guys and Gals,

I apologise for this being two weeks late (as per my previous post) but I finally managed to rack up around 2,500 words between what I have here and what I wrote beyond it for the next chapter. I managed to finish Mass Effect, but its the only thing I've done in the past month! (What a damn good game it is. Currently replaying it! :D)

Anyway, comments are welcome, as always.



Chapter Three

Hdeian got three steps past the first travelcar shaft before an attack of “The Practicals” struck. He sighed, turned back, and took the travelcar to his quarters. Once there, he composed a concise report of the events leading to the expulsion of his former Master of Communications for the Admiral and an even less verbose message for Jaina’s supervisor and sent both to the Comm. Dept. for immediate transmission to the starbase.

No point in giving that arrogant snot a chance to wriggle out of this by presenting his “truth” first, he thought grimly. Last thing I want is to return to the bridge after my tour and find Admiral tr’Oroloth has sent him back!

A quick mental tally also reminded him that his tours usually got him dirty. He slipped out of his uniform and neatly hung it in his closet - he was gratified to see this adjutant had already transported and unpacked his gear for him - and picked out his favourite set of overalls and loaded them up with his usual set of diagnostic tools.

Thus properly prepared, the engineer-by-upbringing set out to poke and prod the inner workings of his new vessel.

*****

Kai tr’Raeteol glowered at the bulkhead opposite him and tried to control his wild emotional swings so that he wouldn’t be further disgraced before his peer and the underling pilot. He swung between a towering rage at what had just happened to him - and that for once even his father’s influence hadn’t been enough to make his adversary back down - and an icy terror at what his father might do on hearing if his son’s public disgrace.

He knew intellectually that his father would do nothing to physically harm him. He would not be beaten, tortured, imprisoned, or any such thing. However, depending on his father’s mercurial mood - Kai came by his own mood swings honestly - it was equally plausible that Llyrrihu tr’Raeteol would have this Commander tr’Tyrava cashiered from the Fleet and possibly killed, or side with the poisonous sseikea and disown his own son to make his way in the worlds on his own resources.

The last so terrified Kai that he would go to great lengths to skew things to favour himself as much as possible. He knew not so deep down - and constantly fought to continue ignoring - that he really was as worthless as he felt beneath all his bluster.

Unfortunately, so great were the heights and depths of his emotional swings that he couldn’t think straight. He knew he should report to the base commander as quickly as possible to put over his side of the story first, but tr’Tyrava had outmanoeuvred him completely. The admiral would no doubt already be absorbing the Commander’s version and here he was; stuck in a shuttle a good hour from his earliest appearance before the man.

Should I even go to see the Admiral? he wondered frantically, half-wild eyes roving over the interior of the shuttle but assiduously avoiding the Enforcement Master’s gaze. I could just go to the starbase Personnel Officer and request a berth on another vessel. Can I do that? What do I do? That swine never told me what to do when I get off this pod!

Kai sat and worried himself half to death while the travel pod made its leisurely way back past the various construction docks to the starbase.

*****

N’alae t’Kaldaiith returned to the bridge with most of the other officers from the debacle on the shuttle deck, deeply worried and not paying any attention to her fellows.

What am I to do? I cannot get these officers to obey me and he has seen this already. How can I recoup this? she fretted, absentmindedly sitting down in the command chair. Maybe with that young bastard gone I’ll have more success…

…and maybe the Klingon homeworld will be swallowed by a supernova, her mind supplied the rejoinder as her eyes settled on the Weapons Master. It was a struggle not to let her shoulders slump in defeat. With weary force of habit she maintained her public appearance. Dignity and respect were no longer a option, as it seemed she was the only one who still thought she was worthy of it.

Okay, this is a new ship with a mostly new crew, and not everyone knows of my last tour. I can still turn this around. There has to be something I can try to rid myself of my ‘crewmate’. I could challenge that snippy bitch to a duel and end her, she considered. It does rather hinge on her actually accepting my challenge, though. It would also leave us short two senior officers even before we’ve left dock, and the crew might see me as a curse for that as well. Okay, what else? Think!

N’alae sat there with her brow furrowed in deep thought, ignoring the less-that-respectful glances that passed between the other bridge crew around her.

*****

Admiral Caedfael tr’Oroloth swung around in surprise to the urgent beeping of his comm. terminal.

Who knows me well enough to have my private work code and presumes on me enough to bypass my adjutant? he immediately wondered, before shrugging and deciding to find out in the most expedient way. Tapping in his access code, the message header data flashed up on his screen. Oh, Elements, what havoc is he causing now? the flag officer mentally groaned.

His hand hovered over the key to send the message to his adjutant while he debated shunting it for that efficient and diligent Senior Centurion to assess it and prioritise it accordingly, rather than waste any more of his time on it. A base commander is a busy person, even more so when his base was a major shipyard and re-supply point as well. With a sigh, he lowered his hand. Though that young whelp can be annoying, he doesn’t presume lightly. He was brought up properly, at least.

Tr’Oroloth brought up the full message and read it. Minutes later, he saved it to his personal data store and shut down the comm. terminal. He leaned back in his comfortable chair and massaged his forehead to try and assuage the headache that threatened to lodge itself there.

“Oh my boy, you know how to pick them, don’t you?” he muttered out loud and sighed heavily. “Couldn’t find some village idiot nobody to straighten out? Nooooo, he picks a powerful autocrat’s son to unload on.”

He’s lucky our Houses are close, the grey-haired admiral groused inwardly, or I’d have him charged for abuse of familial authority.

The jesting thought brought him some gentle amusement which was much needed at this point, as the object of the report was due at his office door inside the hour. It is unfortunate that I am affiliated with Clan Tyrava, he noted wearily. There will be insinuations of hypocrisy and cronyism even though the boy would do this no matter what admiral he was reporting to at the time.

He sighed, then brought up the report to look over again.

*****

“Enforcement to Commander,” the speakers blared throughout the ship about an hour later.

Hdeian, caught surprisingly out in the open corridors instead of stuffed up an access trunk, strode across the empty laboratory to the intercom unit. “Commander here. Report,” he answered.

“Sir, Enforcement Master here. Kai Raeteol was delivered to the Admiral’s office as directed. I left only after seeing him admitted directly,” his security chief reported.

“Excellent. Well done, Centurion. Anything else of note?”

“Only that our former Communications Master first pleaded then demanded on pain of his father’s displeasure to go directly to the base personnel officer and not the Admiral,” tr’Naithor commented jovially, matching his commander’s warm manner. “I believe he hoped to apply for a quick and quiet transfer rather than face up to his… responsibilities.”

“Thank you, Centurion. Commander out,” he responded mildly and cut the channel. Alone in the Geology Lab, Hdeian allowed himself a self-satisfied chuckle.

I wonder how his meeting with the Admiral is going?

*****

Admiral tr’Oroloth’s guarded grey eyes finally snapped up to impale the young officer before him. He’d let tr’Tyrava’s ‘problem child’ stand and stew for a good ten minutes while he’d completed a perusal of the personnel requirements of the ships within his area of responsibility, but there was no need for the Raeteol boy to know this. With the subCommander’s report fresh in his mind he demanded, “Explain your presence here, Centurion!”

Quickly, Kai tried to take in the Admiral’s state of mind and the direction of his thoughts. He had much experience at this, and though his prospects did not look good at present he allowed himself some hope. He’d actually appreciated the time he’d been left alone in the Admiral’s office as it had allowed him to finally get a handle on his panic, but he’d only just mastered it before being called on.

Instantly snapping to a course of action in a way that would have been admirable had he applied such talent to his duties and career, he bolted out, “Sir, I have been maligned and treated most unfairly! SubCommander tr’Tyrava has exceeded his authority and has punished me out of all proportion to a mistake I committed while on duty!”

Just before he launched into his impassioned defence he caught a pained look flashing across the admiral’s face that puzzled him. Kai couldn’t pay it any heed right then as he’d had to fight hard to keep the sour look from his face that threatened with such self-debasing words, but as a skilled liar he knew the most successful lies were merely the truth warped to fit a certain viewpoint. Having not been instantly dismissed or punished, and not knowing what was in the report Tyrava had undoubtedly sent, he picked his course with care.

“I admit I should have checked the shuttle schedule more thoroughly so that I was aware of the subCommander’s imminent arrival, but to permanently dismiss me from my assignment… for a mere error in protocol…!”

Kai let his natural outrage cause his diatribe to flounder to a halt and waited, breathing hard, to gauge his superior’s reaction.

“I see,” the Admiral commented flatly, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “And if I were to send you back, would you be happy to go?”

Taking this as another positive sign, Kai continued to dare. “Respectfully, Admiral, I think that with the subCommander’s proven antagonism towards me, undermining his assumed authority in such a way would only make him more determined to make my life aboard his ship a most exquisite and prolonged torture. I respectfully submit that the Empire would be better served by my assignment to another vessel,” he added disingenuously.

“Indeed. I think on that score all parties can agree. So, that neatly ties up Item One.”

A ghost of a smile graced the Admiral’s features, making Kai uncomfortable even though the words were the ones he wanted to hear.

Plus, “Item One” implied the existence of, at the least, an “Item Two”.

Feeling his dread creeping back in, Kai ventured, “Item One, Admiral?”

“Yes, Centurion, Item One. Or, I should say, the first charge,” the base commander finished coldly.

Charge!? Do you know who my father is?” Kai screeched before he could stop himself.

“You dare?” Tr’Naithor’s eyes bulged and his face turned an impressive - if alarming - shade of lime as the older officer furiously bolted up from his chair and leaned over his desk. “Yes, I know who your father is, but contrary to popular belief the nobility does NOT get a free pass to behave as if Fleet regulations and codes of conduct do not apply to them!” the Admiral roared into his face. Turning shockingly quiet, he added menacingly, “Don’t threaten me, kllhe! I am not without allies and resources of my own.”

Kai felt instantly chilled to the bone and an apology was already pushing its way past his lips but the outraged flag officer settled back into his chair and rolled grimly on.

“First Charge: Dereliction of duty; namely, failing to keep up to date with message traffic as per duty stipulations, leading to the second charge. Second Charge: Disrespect towards a superior officer; namely, in the person of your Commanding Officer; Third Charge: disrespect towards a superior officer, second count; namely, in the person of the Executive Officer of the Warbird White Star. Fourth Charge: Wilfully disobeying a superior officer; namely, in the person of the Executive Officer of the Warbird White Star, and her order to report to the shuttlebay as part of the arriving commander’s honour guard.”

The starbase commander glared at him all the while he read the obviously memorised list of charges. It was apparent that Tyrava was happily throwing The Book at him. “Quite the list of charges you managed to accumulate in those five minutes, displaying an unhealthy lack of respect for your responsibilities, authority in general and your Executive Officer in particular. None of which is acceptable,” he snarled at Kai.

Kai had tried to use the threat of his father’s influence and what he might do against the admiral as a means of avoiding having his father actually find out how his son had been acting, and the possible repercussions against Kai that may result from such a discovery. It was obvious that this had failed and it left him feeling puzzled, way down deep at the back of his mind under all his frightened anger. Why has wielding my father’s influence as a threat suddenly lost its potency?

The thought fled under the effect of more immediate concerns as the Admiral shook off his fury and assumed a more sombre and stern demeanour.

He steepled his fingers and pronounced his sentence. “You are reduced two steps in rank and are henceforth reassigned to the police ship Nerfala. She is currently finishing a tour on the unbound side of the Khazara Sector and will leave for Starbase Seven on the Gorn border in four months. You are now her Communications Officer. Congratulations,” he added flatly.

Kai’s head swam. “A… police ship… headed for… the Gorn border?”

“There is a freighter leaving this base tomorrow morning at 0300 to join a convoy under her protection, the Borlak. You will be board that freighter and transfer to the Nerfala upon joining the convoy. I will inform the ship’s master to be expecting you.

"Dismissed, anteCenturion.”
« Last Edit: April 22, 2008, 11:14:58 am by Scottish Andy »
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #45 on: February 16, 2008, 09:30:44 pm »
F'ing EXCELLENT! I love the scenes with the Admiral in particular and hope he continues to pop up in this series.

I like the introspective look inbto the XO's mind, and have already mentioned via IM why I lean toward her. I'm going to enjoy following her character. Where a lot of your previous 'character-conflict-personal subplots' in earlier stories were so very anxty, soap opera-ish, this one manages to lend a more real, less melodramatic angle to the personal interaction/conflict angle.

Keep this one up. Don't change the Admiral for God's sake! He's f'ing great!

Love, also, that el capitan is crawling through his ship to check out her space worthiness and such!

--guv!!!
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Offline Vipre

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #46 on: February 16, 2008, 10:06:58 pm »
Spot on good read. Caedfael made me do a double take though, was the name connection intentional or coincidence?
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #47 on: February 16, 2008, 10:26:41 pm »
Quote
F'ing EXCELLENT!
That's a glowing review if ever I saw one. Thanks, Mate! Stay tuned for more from the XO.

Caedfael was deliberate. I never watched the show and don't know what it's about, but I know of it. I was casting about for a first name for the Admiral and it popped into my head. I even have an image of some Roman-type guy as my grey-haired admiral. Besides, Caedfael is a good Rihannsu or Roman-esque name.
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Offline Vipre

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #48 on: February 16, 2008, 10:38:42 pm »
Former soldier in the crusades turned monk turned detective set in 12th century England.
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Brave New World - Chapter Four
« Reply #49 on: April 17, 2008, 08:58:17 pm »
Chapter Four

Kai left the admiral’s office steadily enough but once he got outside the adjutant’s waiting area he spun to face the wall and leaned heavily on it, vision swimming and a feeling of intense nausea sweeping through him. It was so bad his legs almost buckled and he was almost physically sick on the spot, but he managed to hold on and ride out the first wave.

He straightened and wiped away the sheen of sweat that had popped out on his brow. The first coherent thought that dropped into his head was What the imirrhlhhse do I do now?

Leaving the empty corridor behind him, Kai headed for the nearest washroom to freshen up. Staring into the mirror over the sinks, cool, clear water dripping from his ashen features, he had trouble meeting his own eyes.

What will Father think of this? I truly do not know which way he will go… so how can I tell him? Kai wondered, again splashing his face with the cool, sweet water. If I knew he would support me I would tell him instantly and get him to bend this admiral to his will. But he
could see this as a public disgrace that would affect his business standing. And if there is one thing he will not tolerate,
that is it.

Kai stretched himself out, trying to wring some of the nervous tension out of his muscles as he continued his private musings.

He’s my father. I should tell him. I could beam down and tell him in person… and bear his full wrath with no way out…

I… I could just com him, was the young man’s next thought. Find a vidcom booth and just flat out tell him and be able to cut the link at any time… which would likely just make him all the more furious no matter what happens.

Maybe make the call just as a taster? See what his reaction is before I try to visit in person? If he’s supportive, beam down and talk it over in person. If he’s… upset with me, say my ship is leaving soon and I just called to let him know?

Kai sighed, knowing he was deluding himself. His father would not accept that. He would demand the full details, and Kai was a poor liar to his father. The man was just too damn intimidating, and if Kai even tried his father would pick up on it, making everything worse.

No, calling ahead will just alert him. He’ll demand my presence and it’ll just give me more nerve-shredding anticipation before facing him. And if I want this situation corrected, I need him to correct it. Getting kicked off a cruiser to a police ship… my career would never recover. It is worth braving my father’s wrath or disappointment if he will fix it for me again. I must go and see him.

Thus decided, he splashed his face a final time, dried himself off, and made for the transporter room.

*****

“’Ere, ‘Irull, some bloke’s got ‘is ‘ead stuck up our business!”

At his technician’s overloud warning, Hirull’s eyes flicked up from his work order to take in the boiler-suited figure who was only visible from the waist down. The Specialist First’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, and he halted his approach to page through data slate’s contents, which included all the work orders currently assigned ship-wide. As he’d suspected, no one else was authorised to be in this area performing maintenance or repairs.

“Wait here,” he instructed his companion, and strode up to the still unresponsive unknown. “Oi! You there! Stop what you’re doing and explain your presence and purpose in this restricted area!”

The figure finally took notice of the two technicians and pulled himself from the circuit trunk, then straightened to face the NCO. Hirull noted him taking in the attitude and positioning of both himself and Taroth further up the corridor. Despite his basic training being a good decade behind him, Hirull felt the long dormant instruction lighting off his instincts.

Don’t move! Hands where I can see ‘em!” he yelled at the intruder. Without taking his eyes off of him, Hirull ordered over his shoulder, “Taroth! Get to an intercom panel and call this in! Get Enforcement up here on the double!

Curiously, the intruder smiled and nodded approvingly as the technician took off down the corridors to carry out his orders. He obligingly spread his arms wide and remained motionless.

Hirull knew better than to trust such apparent docility and got no closer. He’d heard too many tales of Tal Shi’ar agents who could kill or cripple in dozens of ways once they’d gotten within arm’s reach. Hirull now conspicuously felt the lack of a weapon on his person. All he had were diagnostic electronics and a few maintenance tools, none of which could be used for more than throwing or clubbing.

The stand off stretched into minutes and Hirull felt the passage of every second as if it were an ant walking the entire length of his skin. The intruder continued to just stand there, looking directly at him. It was a neutral gaze, unthreatening, neither calculating nor disinterested. He felt its’ weight regardless, and sweat popped out on his brow ridge.

This makes no sense, Hirull thought feverishly. If he’s a member of the crew, why not identify himself? If he’s a saboteur or assassin, why doesn’t he try to escape?

Boots pounded on decking and an Enforcement Squad burst into his peripheral vision. “On the deck, both of you! Now!” their leader shouted and Hirull gladly measured his length on the floor, going down almost as quickly as a puppet with severed strings. He craned his neck around to see the intruder lie down more circumspectly, still saying nothing.

Disruptors drawn, the Enforcement squad of six approached the pair from both ends of the corridor, weapons low and to their left but requiring a mere flick of the wrist to be properly trained on the two.

“Identify yourselves!” the squad leader ordered next.

“Engineering Specialist First Hirull tr’Dertha, Power Systems section!” Hirull called out.

“SubCommander Hdeian tr’Tyrava, Commanding Officer of the Warbird White Star,” the intruder responded in kind, speaking for the first time. The voice sounded as if it was suppressing some amusement.

Hirull paled to a horrible, sickly pallor. To claim to be the CO during an incident like this, the man was either unstable… or the CO.

Either circumstance did not bode well for anybody here.


SubCenturion Deila t’Aroth swallowed hard, and her hand began sweating on her disruptor grip as she came to the same conclusion. She – as had the whole crew – had heard of their new CO’s arrival onboard yet no one beyond the command crew knew what this tr’Tyrava looked like. If it was the CO, the personal consequences resulting from this incident could ruin all of them. But (arguably) worse, if this really were a madman, then he could have a bomb strapped to him or have booby-trapped the circuit trunk the Engineering crewmen had found him in.

For the moment, the situation was under control so she would follow procedure. She called out, “Tr’Dertha, stand up slowly and produce your ID chip.”

As he did so, she nodded to one of her legionnaires to verify the chip and ensure the face matched the file holo.

“Don’ worry, Centurion. That’s ‘Irull, all right,” the tech told her, voice subdued.

Her uhlan gave her a terse nod and, at her raised eyebrow added, “He scans clean for threats.” 

She jerked her head and the legionnaire pulled him out of the kill box her team had set up. One down, she breathed. Okay, since he hasn’t started screaming at us for… anything yet, we’ll repeat the process.
 
“SubCommander, please stand up and produce your ID chip, and submit to a body scan,” she ordered next, managing to keep her voice steady.

“I will comply,” was the short answer.

It’s just bloody typical this would happen on my shift, Deila thought miserably. And, in a barren corridor with no mainframe access where a simple voiceprint ID would suffice to clear all this up! She fumed at the rigmarole this was putting her squad through. Absolutely anything could happen here, from a sudden explosion killing them all to demotions and censures – Ariennye, even executions! – for discombobulating their new CO.

An uhlan from the other section of her squad called out nervously, “According to these files, subCenturion, this is our new commander.”

The words sticking in her throat as visions of being demoted, reassigned to forgotten outposts, or executed played before her eyes, she managed to project, “Th-threat scan?”

“Clear, subCenturion,” the man returned, nerves equally strung out.

“Squad stand down,” she ordered next, and approached her still silent CO. Throat dry and voice wavering, she told him, “SubCommander, forgive our ignorance. We were not informed—”

He held up a hand next and she fell immediately silent. He looked around at them all, his entire bearing still relaxed and his face open and without anger. “I find no fault with you or your squad in the performance of their duties,” he told her mildly. “You responded quickly and well, and followed procedure in unusual and vexing circumstances. Most would have fallen over themselves trying to appease my anger upon my identifying myself. I expect you to act no different in responding to any security matters, regardless of whatever exalted personages are involved. Your dedication to duty and the welfare of your ship do you credit.”

Deila couldn’t believe her ears and she couldn’t help herself look around at her squad for confirmation that she hadn’t hit her head and not noticed it, but they too wore similar looks of bewilderment. She looked back to her CO to find him staring bemusedly at her.

“If there is a next time, you may want to complete the procedure and scan the circuit trunk for explosives or harmful code, but you all performed well. You will all have commendations entered into your files for this incident.”

“Th-thank you, Commander,” she replied, feeling somewhat shell-shocked.

He nodded congenially to her then called out, “Specialist First tr’Dertha.”

Full of dread and yet hopeful at the same time, Hirull was let through the press of legionnaires into the presence of the man he’d tried to have arrested. “SubCommander,” he managed to acknowledge his CO.

“Specialist, why did you summon Enforcement?” he asked, his tone slightly harder.

Hirull swallowed hard but managed to prevent his eyes closing in supplication to the Elements. “Sir, no one else was authorised to perform maintenance in this area according to my work orders,” he replied weakly.

“Come now, tr’Dertha. Give me a complete answer. You only called for Enforcement after you saw me out of the access trunk.”

A strangled noise made its way out of Hirull’s throat. The legionnaires around him offered sympathetic looks but he didn’t see them. His vision had tunnelled so that all he could see was his CO’s blank eyes.

“S-Sir, I did not recognise you and… I have never seen an officer wearing a technician’s outfit.”

“And…?” Tr’Tyrava made a point of drawing out the word. Implicit was the warning that he’d take no more prevarication.

“And I saw you measure the distances between the three of us and our relative positions.”

The subCommander nodded thoughtfully. “You saw my appraisal and interpreted it as a tactical assessment and probable precursor to a physical attack?” he asked.

Hirull hadn’t been so advanced in his thinking at the time. All he’d known was he hadn’t liked the way the intruder had sized them up and reacted on instinct. However, it sounded about right, so he nodded. “Yes Sir.”

“How long ago was your infantry training?”

“Elev-Twelve years, Sir,” he stumbled over his reply.

“Any Enforcement experience in those years?”

“No Sir.” Oh just get it over with! Hirull despaired. Enough with the questions!’

“And yet you correctly interpreted my look, thought quickly, and reacted properly to a perceived threat to your self and your ship,” tr’Tyrava said next, to everyone’s surprise. They’d all been waiting on the other shoe to drop and crush the technician, even though this officer’s method of torture was… unusual.

“You are quite perceptive and quick-witted. You are now promoted one grade in rank.”

Everyone blinked at that.

“Resume your duties, Underofficer trDertha.”

“A-Aye, Sir…” he responded, bewildered, and made for the circuit trunk the subCommander had been found in.

Returning his attention to Deila, he ordered, “Dismiss your squad, subCenturion.”

Still dazed, she nodded distractedly and complied, following them out the corridor. Wha…? What the Ariennye just happened here?

Hdeian watched them leave then departed, grinning to himself.

*****

 Kai tr’Raeteol pushed his way through the thronging crowds on the station as he made his way to the closest transporter room. Fingers damp with nervous sweat continually played with the groundside transporter pass issued to him for the duration of his stay on the starbase. It expired with the White Star’s originally scheduled departure time, so it should be good until tomorrow morning – unless the Admiral had thought to cancel that, too.

Suddenly, the doors to Transporter Room Six were before him. He continued moving towards them but his pace slowed… and then they were receding before his eyes, seeming to get further and further away. Kai stopped dead in the corridor, then pressed himself against a bulkhead and rubbed his hand over his face again. A couple of deep breaths and he pushed himself from the wall and faced the doors.

And just stood there, staring.

He could not make himself go in.

Next thing he knew, he was fleeing the room, almost hyperventilating, pushing blindly through the crowds again in the opposite direction. Getting as far as possible from the transporter room and the chain of events it would set in motion.

Feeling disoriented and now lost, he again found a wall to lean against and breathe deeply. He looked up and found his bearings – he was on one of the starbase’s many concourses, and as the Elements would have it, he was within falling distance of the entrance to a tavern.

His feet had known the best place for him, even if his brain hadn’t.

The old-fashioned door defeated him only for a second – until he found the doorknob – and then he was inside the darkened rooms. The all-encompassing gloom made him feel safe and anonymous, the flickering of the lanterns accentuating rather than dispersing the shadows, and the smoke from the various tobaccos enveloped him and added to the welcoming atmosphere.

He bulled up to the bar, secured himself a stool, produced his personal credit chip and started his night as he planned to end it… however many hours hence that was.

“Ale. A bottle of 1744,” he ordered, knowing the four-year old vintage would pack a hefty wallop, “and keep it coming.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2008, 11:11:38 am by Scottish Andy »
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The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #50 on: April 21, 2008, 11:49:15 am »
*ahem* (and paraphrasing here)

"Feedback for an ex-procrastinator!"

*Please Sir, can I have some comments?"
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- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #51 on: April 21, 2008, 05:30:33 pm »
Andy, its good, what else can I say.  I like where your taking Hdeian, especially as it throws the entire crew for a loop since it is obvious that they have never had a commander who actually practiced leadership and not CYOA.  I'm curious also to see where Kai ends up going, based on how much exposure he has gotten you know that he is somehow going to make Hdeian life a bit difficult to put it lightly.

Keep it up... ooo and post another one ;)
Rob

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #52 on: April 21, 2008, 07:47:39 pm »
A kind man, that, running around the ship out of uniform, stirring up fun and handing out promotions.

A good continuation, short though it may be. Was hoping not to see any more of the whelp he'd thrown off the ship.

*all words used in this reply looked up in dictionary and double checked for grammar, subject to your approval*

--thu guv
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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #53 on: April 21, 2008, 09:02:42 pm »
You know Andy, I have to do this to you. Its not bad, really, that this has to come. But it doesn't seem like anyone else is doing it, so I feel I must:

1.) In Chapter 3, you used "an", should be "am".

Quote
It is unfortunate that I an affiliated with Clan Tyrava, he noted wearily.
Quote
It is unfortunate that I am affiliated with Clan Tyrava, he noted wearily.

2.) In Chapter 4, you said,

Quote
Thus decided, she splashed his face a final time, tried himself off, and made for the transporter room.

While in normal settings where the story element contains both male and female characters, the first half, "...she splashed his face a final time..." would make sense, however, since it was just the male component, it should read, "...he splashed his face a final time...".

Now, I don't know exactly how to explain this, but, depending solely on context, "...tried himself off..." should either read "...tried himself of...", or, more befitting the text around it, "...dried himself off..."

Thus, the sentence is reformed into "Thus decided, he splashed his face a final time, dried himself off, and made for the transporter room."

OK, so I didn't HAVE to do it.

You do have to keep writing this, you know. I think I have a feeling where this might lead, but I'll keep to myself and see how it goes.

Your CO's actions remind me of an old Admiral H.G. Rickover story. (Very) Condensed version: You'd think that as the father of (US) Naval Nuclear Power, the guy could do whatever he wanted in the engineroom of a nuclear submarine. Well, the on watch person, doing nothing more than his job, dutifully smacked the Admiral's hand away from his panel whilst the Admiral was attempting to fiddle with one of the buttons. One slapped Admiral's hand equaled one on the spot promotion.

Czar "I'll Andy-proof the Andy" Mohab, who hopes that it was taken in the good humor in which it was written.

P.S. I work with a guy that uses the word "willn't", spells "aware" "awhere", uses "cover alls" vice "coveralls", and so many more that I've lost good quality work time laughing to myself. It is a pleasure and a privilege to read all your works (all of you) with all the various typo's, simply because, no matter how bad they get here, there "willn't" ever be a toon that is not "awhere" that his "cover alls" barely cover all. Seriously, Andy, if you hadn't often corrected us, I wouldn't have typed one word. While it is feedback, it was more for fun than anything.

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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #54 on: April 22, 2008, 11:10:06 am »
Yes Czar, I properly deserved that. And really, for the amount of grief I give other people over this, how could I not expect to be held to the same standard? Fire away. Turn around is fair play, as I always say, so if I'm going to be annoyed at anyone for my mistakes it's going to be me for making them, not you for pointing them out. Besides, this is something I care about getting right, so if you want we can start a rivalry! See how many mistakes we can spot in each other's work.  I shall correct my mistakes now.

I can guess how well that'd go!  ;D

Guv, I've pissed you off. I am sincerely sorry. I don't want to piss off my friends and try not to, but sometimes the stick up my arse grows too big and starts pressing on my brain, inhibiting the 'common sense' & 'restraint' functions. Please accept my sincere apologies and a renewed pledge to Prune the Stick. Please don't stop posting!

Tus & Guv:
Back to my story, you don't like seeing more of Kai? Bad guys' and idiots' lives continue even after they get non-fatal butt-kickings, ya know.  ;) 
I'm glad Hdeian is making a good impression, but I fear I may be making him too sympathetic - or Human - a character. The guy is still a Romulan after all. We'll see how that balances out with my later chapters. I have... things... planned.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2008, 11:21:25 am by Scottish Andy »
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Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #55 on: April 22, 2008, 09:08:13 pm »
Yeah, I was pissed, but oh well. My decision 'not to post' has little to do with your comment. I've written so much Trek...I'm sick of looking at my own works. Think I'll do a comic or something. I do have a Dath'mar idea that may work well. For now, though, I need to write something other than Trek.

--guv
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Brave New World - Chapter Five
« Reply #56 on: May 30, 2008, 03:09:58 pm »
Sorry for the long absence Guys & Gals - I've actually been writing and having something of a life! I haven't read anything here on the forum yet, but I'll spend parts of the weekend catching up, if I manage to stop writing.

We'll see if this cheers the Guv up too...



Chapter Five

“Bridge to Commander,” the speakers blared again.

By Earth below I’m popular today, Hdeian griped silently as he pulled himself from a circuit access trunk and wiped his hands on a rag. Making his way to the nearest intercom unit, he answered, “Bridge, this is the Commander.”

“Sir, Admiral tr’Oroloth’s office demands your attention,” tr’Naekarin informed him over the intercom.

“Ask the Admiral to please stand by until I can get to my quarters, subCenturion,” Hdeian instructed.

“Aye, subCommander,” the watch communications officer responded.

Hdeian hurried from the forward phase disruptor primary coil room back to his quarters. Pausing only long enough to wipe the grime from his face, he signalled the bridge. “Put him on my desk viewer, tr’Naekarin.”

“At once, subCommander. Transferring through now.”

The screen blanked before showing the irritated countenance of the Khazara Sector Commander.

“Sir,” Hdeian nodded respectfully.

“SubCommander, by all rights I should be very annoyed with you right now,” the older man harrumphed.

“I can only assume that you’re not, though, Sir,” the ship commander returned seriously.

A tired grin broke out on tr’Oroloth’s craggy face. “You young whelp, where do you come up with such impudence? You should be quaking in your boots in fear at my disapproval.”

“My apologies, Sir. Consider me to be rebuked and properly terrified. Please go on.”

“Whelp,” the admiral repeated, shaking his head and smiling. “You should know that anteCenturion Raeteol has been reassigned to the police ship Nerfala, which after another four months here will guarding Starbase Seven on the Gorn border. There he may learn such things as discipline and respect from those who truly know nothing of his father.”

Hdeian noted the lack of the respectful ‘tr’ before the ex-Comm. Master’s House name, as well as the lack of two grades in rank from when he was last aboard the White Star. “I find this news agreeable, Admiral,” he told his senior officer.

“I thought you might,” the older man returned dryly. “He ships out on the freighter Borlak tomorrow at 0300.”

“Well, good riddance to bad rubbish,” Hdeian finally said with some feeling.

“Ah, the indomitable calm cracks at last,” the Admiral chuckled.

“With respect, Sir, he’s lucky there was a travel pod there when I flung him out of my shuttlebay,” Hdeian stated half-jokingly.

“Indeed,” tr’Oroloth returned evenly, but with a smile in his eyes. “You may want to be wary until you leave dock. I don’t know why he would possibly want to stow away aboard your ship, but idiots have done stranger things than that before.”

“Forgive my presumption, Sir, but I hope I did not create trouble for you in doing this,” the ship commander voiced his concern. “He waves his father’s influence around like a child with a battle club, and even children can cause a lot of damage like that.”

A cloud passed over tr’Oroloth’s face. “One can only hope this time he drops it on his own head. I know something of Father tr’Raeteol, and while he is an unscrupulous businessman he is also concerned with public perception – as it relates to his business. He wants his investors and partners to know he’ll do whatever it takes to succeed, and he has proven that even to the cost of his own family. I’d wager two chains of cash he dropped Kai into the Fleet to get rid of him, or teach him some life lessons.”

“In which case he’s already not impressed with the Fleet for letting him get away with being who he is unchecked for so long, or he’ll be furious that we’ve finally taken his idiot boy to task.”

“Ah, still looking on the bright side of life I see, subCommander,” tr’Oroloth grimaced. “I prefer to think that he’s going to applaud us for not letting his precious child get away with it any longer. He will not be the first parent to send a problem child to the military for them to straighten out.”

“It will all depend on just what he personally thinks of his ‘precious child’,” Hdeian offered. “That will dictate any response he makes.”

“We shall see. Do you need me to assign a new Communications Master?”

Hdeian shook his head. “I intend to promote one of my own into the position. We have a sufficiently large communications department to allow this, and it will give these people their first opportunity to see how I do things. Assuming the responsibilities that come with rank is very important to me, and giving one of their own the opportunity will hopefully show them that I reward only those who are worthy.”

The Admiral looked him over critically. “Judging by that boiler suit you’re wearing, I now suspect that crew has already had two opportunities to see how you do things.”

Hdeian grinned self-depreciatingly. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I know that his is how you like to operate, my boy, but you should know that crew has no ‘their own’ to be proud of. Most of them have been reassigned or newly assigned from the Academy and training colleges. They are all unknown to each other. I doubt it would make too much difference to have somebody new assigned to replace Raeteol.”

Tyrava considered that. “This is true,” he admitted, “but I may as well begin as I mean to continue. I am not likely to get someone who wants to be here. Survey crews have to be a bit different from the usual Warbird complement, as you know. Too many would think that being on a survey mission while the war with the Gorn gears up is inglorious, or a waste of their time. Unless you already have a promising candidate in mind…?”

“I’m afraid not. So be it, tr’Tyrava, she is your ship after all.” Changing gears, the Admiral wrapped up the call. “Elements bless your voyage, subCommander. You are cleared to depart dock at 0800 tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Sir,” he acknowledged his superior’s good wishes. “I am really eager to get out there and bring the light of D’era to the uncouth barbarians of the Wide.” He bobbed his eyebrows meaningfully.

The Admiral snorted. “Go find us some rocks to mine, young dreamer. Starbase Nineteen, out.”

The comm. screen went dark, and Hdeian allowed himself a wide grin. Patching a line through to the bridge, he ordered a shipwide channel opened.

“Crew of the White Star, we depart at 0800 hours tomorrow morning. Make sure all is in readiness. Furthermore, excepting essential duties only, the presence of the whole crew is required on the shuttle deck at 1900 hours this evening. Class A uniforms are mandatory. That is all.”

*****

Hdeian took his place and faced down the centre of the groups of crew assembled in the shuttle bay. Since the ship was still in star dock and drawing power from it practically the entire crew of 360 were present for the event. As such the crew were arranged into three blocks with six rows each, arranged as three sides of a square.

He and the command staff were arranged in a line forming the fourth side, standing behind a table on the raised stage with the banners of the Star Empire, Clan Tyrava, and the ship’s pennant draped from the bulkhead behind them. On the table, arranged in a diamond, were a lit green candle, a large beaker of water, a small incense burner creating a small cloud of fragrant smoke, and a container of earth collected from the Khazara colony below. With everyone in place, he began the ceremony with a quick nod to his adjutant.

Immediately thereafter, the assembled officers and crew offered the traditional salute of fist-to-breastbone and shallow bow from the neck, which the command staff returned. Hdeian drew his ceremonial blade.

“Crew of the White Star, today we celebrate your valour and honour. You have all served loyally and well, and the Elements reward those who are worthy. This blade takes the blood of traitors, but it gives glory to you who love your ship and your Empire.

“I now dedicate this blade to the Elements,” he recited, passing his blade through the representations of each of the Elements and reciting;

“To Fire, which creates and destroys.

“To Air, of weapons, words, and wings.

“To Water, of our joys and tears.

“And to Earth, our cradle and our grave.”

Hdeian picked up the new rank pins for the lucky candidate – deserving remained to be seen – and turned back to the assembled crew. In a voice loud and clear, he ordered, “AnteCenturion Jaran i-Farnath tr’Naekarin, step forward.”

The White Star’s cryptography officer stepped forward from between the honour guard of four legionnaires standing before the table and joined tr’Tyrava on the stage.

“In the presence of the Elements, and by the power vested in me by the Imperial Senate, I hereby promote you to the rank of subCenturion.”

As protocol dictated, the young officer bowed at the neck and Hdeian placed the flat of the blade vertically against his forehead to signify his receiving of the blessing of all the Elements in his new rank. Placing the blade back on the table, Hdeian picked up the rank pins and again turned to the young officer. He removed the anteCenturion badges from tr’Naekarin’s uniform collar and replaced them himself with those of his new rank.

“SubCenturion tr’Naekarin, do you now pledge: to perform your duties honourably and well, to loyally obey your Commander and your Praetor, to serve your Empire first and always, and to uphold the honour of the Rihannsu people in all things?”

Jaran, already standing at rigid attention, lifted his head proudly and answered, “By Fire and Air, by Earth and Water, and by the Archelement which encompasses them all, I do so pledge.”

“Then may your new rank bring great deeds and glory to yourself and to the Empire.” Hdeian picked up his blade, wiped it and sheathed it, then turned to face the assemblage again. “Crew of the White Star, you are dismissed.”

As protocol dictated the crew saluted and bowed again, the command staff returned it, and everyone started an orderly filing towards the doors.

Sotto voce, Hdeian murmured to his XO, “It is a nice ceremony, but I think we need to update it.”

T’Kaldaiith looked at him in surprise. “Why do you say that, Sir?”

“The wording still strikes me as more of a battlefield commission than a proper reward for service. I certainly didn’t feel as though the words suited the circumstances. I have no immediate or personal knowledge of this crew’s own valour or that boy in particular ‘serving loyally and well’.”

“I see your point, Sir, but I don’t think Fleet Regulations had foreseen exactly these circumstances,” N’alae offered, referring to the still-in-dock replacement of assigned officers with their juniors fresh from the Academy.

 Hdeian offered her a wry grin in return. “Quite. However, Fleet Regs should anticipate the promotion of officers for non-combat successes, and officers who don’t serve on ships. Elements know, officers and crew meet with ‘accidents’ or mere disapproval often enough in the Fleet for others to advance.”

T’Kaldaiith looked at him dubiously and said nothing.

Hdeian was being pedantic and he knew it, but the promotion of that boy – a happy event – had soured his mood with memories of why he was being promoted in the first place. Commanders could alter the key words as necessary, hence his XO’s silence.

“Yes, yes, Centurion, I know,” he grumbled. “I am returning to my quarters for the evening. I have more reports and manuals to read. I am generally happy with the condition of the ship, so I leave it to you to ensure all crew are aboard by 2200 hours tonight and final provisioning is completed before 0600 tomorrow morning. If all is in readiness now, then you have the time to yourself. Fair evening, t’Kaldaiith.”

“Fair evening, Sir,” she echoed and watched him leave with the last of the crew. Waiting only long enough to ensure the cleanup crew came in immediately, she followed her commander out.
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #57 on: June 03, 2008, 10:23:50 am »
Enjoyable and well written as usual.  While some of the developments in this part may be important, nothing in particular is leaping out at me.  Curse of 'scene setting', I suppose. 

I do have one quibble right now, and that's...pace.  They have yet to leave the dock, and I want to see them go somewhere and DO something. ;D
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #58 on: June 07, 2008, 09:16:40 pm »
To echo Larry, I have to say that the pace is slow. But at least this update/chapter was not overly long. Thus I wasn't bothered.

The ceremony in the shuttlebay was a bit archaic for what I'd imagine Romulans performing, but then, I imagine that's a Diane Carey influence. [or Diane Duane, whoever]

The chapter and scenes therein are well written and taken by themselves and with the first chapters, flow just fine. Yeah, I want something to happen, but I've read enough Tolkien to know you blokes from across the pond tell a tale at your own pace. Anything worth reading is worth the time it takes to read it. So, I'm good.

Your tale has some good life to it. The comradery between the Admiral and CO is good, and shows the two have some history between them. I've already stated I like the admiral, and wish to see more of him. However, as you've aluded that the punk will be a reaccuring problem, at least during this tale, I'd think the Admiral would be a bit more concerned/peeved/aggravated about the sh*t boiling in his cauldron. He should recognize that such problems get way out of control when folk with political power go too far. Bu then...it's all in good fun for the reader, and I'll not presume to tell you how to write your tale. I'm sure it all comes out in the wash.

Anyway, this is a very good tale, and while I hate reading stuff in sections, I didn't find the need to re-read everything from start to current.

Bring forth more.

--rog!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #59 on: June 09, 2008, 12:35:02 pm »
Larry:
Quote
They have yet to leave the dock, and I want to see them go somewhere and DO something.

Ah, curse of the modern world. Everyone wants instant action. While I bemoan TNG's slow pace myself, sometimes, to set up a long-running series (which I plan on this being), time needs to be taken so they don't just pop up whenever convenient with no explanation.

I'm well pleased you and the Guv like it, despite the slow pace. More is coming! Just wondering who else is reading...
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #60 on: June 09, 2008, 12:49:03 pm »
Barely enough folk on this site to keep the cobwebs knocked back.

--guv
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #61 on: June 09, 2008, 07:40:11 pm »
Ah, curse of the modern world. Everyone wants instant action. While I bemoan TNG's slow pace myself, sometimes, to set up a long-running series (which I plan on this being), time needs to be taken so they don't just pop up whenever convenient with no explanation.

Not action.  Forward motion.  The sense of progress and movement.  This is entirely possible to do while still establishing characters and setting, so no blaming the modern world. ;)
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Scottish Andy

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Brave New World - Chapter Six
« Reply #62 on: June 18, 2008, 05:23:42 pm »
< circus announcer's voice >

And now, the continuation of 'Star Trek - Romulans: We've Got to Leave the Dock at SOME Point!'

< /circus announcer's voice >

Don't get your hopes up for this ep though... *grin*  I just hope you enjoy the first part of this installment as much as I enjoyed writing it!

As always, comments are more than welcome.



Chapter Six
[/size]

0230 hours

Kai tr’Raeteol focused his bleary eyes – as best he could after eight hours at a bar – on the chronometer above the racked bottles and glasses. “Well, whadyaknow?” he slurred. “You’rrrright, barman. It is time f’r me t’ go. I have a transport t’ catch, t’ take me t’ the glorious new career tha’ awaits me as Chief Adjutant and Rrrrrreceptionist on the… the police ship Nerf… Nerf… Nevermind!” he stumbled out, voice rising with each word.

“Come now, Antecentur–” the barman tried, but was cut off again by a bellicose snarl from the drunken fool who’d already been rip-roaring drunk before the barman had come in for his shift.

“YES! ANTEcenturion, Barman!” Kai yelled, his words coming slightly clearer in his anger “I get t’ start my whole career all over again, as if I hadn’t already spen’ eight fvadt years on the Fleatraps of the Empire! I am indeed fortunate! To be given such an opportunity as this! To begin ANEW! Unburdened by such trifles as mere rank and status! To REDEEM myself in the eyes of the Grand Flee–(hic) Grand Flee–(hic) Fleatrap!” he belched, but lurched to his feet anyway.

“I havta fin’ th’ Bor… th Bur… Burlap! She’s takin’ me to ma DESTINY!” he yelled, flinging his arm wide in what was presumably a grand gesture, before tripping over a chair and crashing to the floor in a drunken heap.

“Get him up!” the barman shouted urgently. “Get that imirrhlhhse drunken fool up and moving before he falls asleep and I have to drag his soggy arse aboard that fvadt transport myself!”

The closest serving staff leapt to obey and they succeeded in propping Kai upright again. They even went so far as to guide him all the way out of the tavern and to the travelcar bank that would take him anywhere on the station he was authorised to go.

Then they left him there to find his way to the “Burlap” on his own.


Kai glared blearily at the station directory, poking at it in a manner comically reminiscent of a Tellarite, and much to the amusement of the few late night/early morning crowd. Said crowd made sure to stay out of involvement range.

Finally managing to locate his destination, Kai took the appropriate travelcar shaft and was conveyed at high speed to the gargantuan bulk freighter Borlak.


The crewman standing by the gangway onto the freighter was enjoying her quiet night so far. Though horrifically boring to just stand guard duty so that no one wandered onto the ship “accidentally”, Duthera t’Niall combatted this by submerging herself in the sports sections of the local updates, as well as the online gambling dens she could join in to from the access terminal incorporated into the gangway.

Her peaceful night of slowly losing money came to an abrupt halt as a snarling altercation sounded from the direction of the travelcar shaft. Listening more closely, it sounded as if there was only one voice causing all the ruckus and she craned her neck to see if whoever it was would make an appearance.

Duthera got her wish and far more besides. She’d been told to expect a Fleet officer who was boarding their freighter to make passage to their new ship, but that officer had yet to show. They had barely half an hour before to do so, and the Borlak wouldn’t wait for them.

But when a staggering figure in a Fleet uniform all but fell around the last corner between the gangway and the travelcar shaft, she most certainly hoped she’d be waiting just a few tens of minutes more for their passenger. She couldn’t stop her face from scrunching up in distaste. An officer of the Grand Fleet should have more pride than to lurch around in public like the winner of a Klingon drinking contest! she silently lashed the disgrace that was unevenly but inevitably making its way toward her ship.

Her distaste turned to outright disgust and revulsion when the Fleetie fell to his knees and threw up violently and at length in the middle of the corridor. I have to let this thing aboard our ship? I’d rather have the drunken Klingon!

After a few minutes of this – during which Duthera offered no assistance, sympathy, or even an indication of her presence – the wreck pushed himself up from the deck and stumbled unevenly toward her again. His uniform was now liberally splashed with generous amounts vomit.

Seeing her at last, he slurred, “This th’ Burlap?

“This is the bulk freighter Borlak,” she told him in icy, contemptuous tones she wouldn’t have dared use on a sober military officer. She didn’t bother to hide her disgust either, waving away the foul stench of vomit he’d expelled in her direction as he spoke. “You have the wrong ship. Leave now.” Duthera was emboldened to speak to the Fleetie in such an insolent manner because of her own outrage at what he’d done to his uniform – both literally and figuratively – and because she doubted the fool would remember leaving whatever hole he’d been expelled from, never mind who’d let him aboard his connecting ship.

Borlak, thash it! BORLAK!” he ended with another fetid belch. “M, I’m Centurion tr’Raeteol. You’re takin’ me to ma ship, the Nerf-arrow. Polesh ship, the Nerfblaster,” he insisted.

Duthera sighed. She’d almost gotten away with that. “Very well. Show me your authorisation and you can board.”

“Got ‘em. In my pocketsh…” he muttered, patting his uniform and smearing the vomit further.

“Nevermind!” she yelled at him in disgust. “Just… just follow me to your berth.”

“Okay,” he agreed, then squinted at her as if trying to see her properly for the first time. “Hey! You’re pretty,” he told her, oozing something he might have thought was charm. “My dad’s rich, y’know. How ‘bout you come with me to my bed, huh?”

Duthera was now speechless with outrage and revulsion. If she wouldn’t have covered herself in vomit in doing so, she’d have hit him. Anywhere. Instead, she spun on her heel and stalked along the gangway and into the ship then started closing the hatch, not actually caring if this disgusting ball of slime actually got aboard or not.

Unfortunately, he did. She promptly took off at a rapid pace through the massive freighter’s conversely tiny crew module, making sure she was always well out of his reach. The thing did a surprisingly good job of keeping up with her despite the pace, so maybe all that throwing up actually helped sober him up some. Come to think of it, she realised with sudden relief, it’s a damn good thing he threw up out there. If he’d done it in here we’d be the ones to clean it up!

Finally arriving at their passenger’s berth, she swung open the door to the cabin that the ship’s third mate had given up for the Fleet officer. Though they didn’t get on that well, she felt distinctly sorry for her superior now. The mess he’d have to clean up once this [i}thing [/i}had been evicted to its own ship was bound to be revolting.

The centurion stumbled straight in, managing not to crash into anything right away, and spun to face her as she stood outside the cabin.

“Come in, and we—”

She took savage pleasure in slamming the door shut in is face as hard as her Rihannsu strength allowed. His howl of pain through the hatch as she dogged it shut only made her pleasure all the sweeter, realising his hangover had already begun.

Imirrhlhhse barbarian! she snarled to herself as she stalked away, heading to the bridge to inform the ship’s master that their ‘guest’ was finally aboard and they could get underway.


0600 hours

“Commander, welcome to the bridge,” t’Kaldaith stated quietly as she got up from the command chair, offering it to him.

“Thank you, Centurion,” he returned courteously as he stood beside her. He wouldn’t actually sit until they were underway. “All is in readiness for our departure, I presume?”

“Yes Sir,” she responded, clasping her hands behind her back. “All crew are accounted for and the last supplies were secured aboard at 0427. All departments are fully operational and all sections show ready for departure. The logs are there to peruse if you wish.”

Her offhand comment amused him slightly. She probably still didn’t know what kind of an officer he was or what kind of commander he’d be, so she didn’t know that he’d already read the logs she was now referring to. Not letting her know either way, he acknowledged her blandly, “Very good, Centurion. Well. Since we are all ready right now, I see no need to wait another two hours before leaving dock. Let’s go, shall we?”

“As you say, Commander,” t’Kaldaiith replied briskly.

Hdeian couldn’t detect any sudden apprehension or alarm on her part, so it didn’t look like she was falsifying records and rushing to catch up. He was worried about what kind of officer and person she was, based on the circumstances of their meeting. So far, it seemed like N’alae t’Kaldaiith was an efficient and effective officer when not confronted with personal or familial consequences to taking jumped-up supposed nobility to task.

“SubCenturion tr’Naekarin, hail Starbase Traffic Control and request an immediate departure,” the XO ordered.

“Aye, Centurion,” the new communications master acknowledged. Moments later, he responded. “Traffic Control acknowledges and informs were are clear to depart stardock for the next fifteen minutes. They require that we relinquish helm control to them.”

“Very good. Acknowledge and log our new departure time. Commander?” she prompted.

Hdeian was pleased. Some officers might have taken his earlier statement to mean they were clear to take the ship out themselves. As his first motive command on his first ship, however, Hdeian would have slit her throat first before he’d allow her to upstage him. He was pleased she had the brains to realise that.

“Thank you again, Centurion,” he told her with a smile in his voice. “Helm, clear all moorings and set thrusters to station-keeping. Transfer helm control to Starbase Traffic Control. Officer tr’Naekarin, further comms from STC on speakers.”

Several muted beeps accompanied Centurion Neeru tr’Foren’s actions. “All moorings cleared, Commander. Helm control transferred to the starbase,” he reported, sounding slightly put out.

Tr’Tyrava noted that and filed it away for future investigation.

“Starbase Traffic Control has authority. Prepare for departure, White Star,” a voice crackled over the bridge speakers.

“Confirmed, STC. Be gentle, our feathers are still wet,” Hdeian joked.

A new voice came over the speakers them. “Fear not, White Star. Prime hlai meat is not handled as gently as you will be.”

Hdeian grinned as he recognised the voice, and was further amused at the uncertain reactions of his bridge crew to the atypical banter as their ship slowly left the box star-dock. “My apologies, Admiral. I did not mean to get you up so early.”


Over in Starbase Traffic Control, Admiral Caedfael tr’Oroloth smiled. You always were the first of the children to rouse from sleep and demand to be let out to play. Some things just never change, he thought with a smile but couldn’t say with so many subordinates listening in.

“Rest assured that your punishment will be swift and merciless, subCommander, unless your mission is successful,” he retorted good-naturedly. “It will give you some incentive to do well out there.”

“Understood, Admiral,” his distant cousin replied, the smile evident in his voice.

“White Star, you are free and clear to navigate,” one of his flight controllers interjected into the companionable silence.

“Thank you, STC. Fair morning, and Long Live the Empire!” tr’Tyrava proclaimed heartily.

“Elements safeguard you, White Star, and Long Live the Empire!” Caedfael bade them farewell for eight years.

Fortune favour you, Tyrava. Return safely, tr’Oroloth added privately, watching the SparrowHawk until it disappeared into warp speed. He then turned his back on the stars outside and made his way to his office to begin another day at work.



As a further note, the dialogue was not altered due toi the Guv's influence in any way.  :D
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Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World - Chapter Six
« Reply #63 on: June 20, 2008, 09:33:59 pm »

As a further note, the dialogue was not altered due toi the Guv's influence in any way.  :D

Huh-whut?!

I...do not understand... *acts confused*

Me?


Anywho, love this instalment. Also love the comments at the beginning. Am very happy with the direction the newly reminted Antecenturian's life is taking. This makes me very happy, as I hate spoiled brats. I see enough of them at work.

Now...as to the Admiral's thoughts about the Commander being the first of the children up and begging to go play... does this mean what it seems to imply? And if so...did I miss something blatantly obvious elsewhere? Either way, if it does mean what I think, that's f*cking cool.

Any way, more of same, in the same vein, please.

And...YAY!!! One out of two ships launched and away!!

--guv!!
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #64 on: June 21, 2008, 05:23:16 pm »
Quote
Quote
As a further note, the dialogue was not altered due to the Guv's influence in any way.   :D

Huh-whut?!

I...do not understand... *acts confused*

Me?

Yes, you! *grins* I was, of course, referring to this line:

Quote
“Very good, Centurion. Well. Since we are all ready right now, I see no need to wait another two hours before leaving dock. Let’s go, shall we?”

And just letting you know that this was the original dialogue. Glad you liked what's happening to Kai, 'cause I also don't like spoiled brats and love to see them get their comeuppance.

As to Hdeian & the Admiral: their houses are affiliated and they are distant cousins, though the Admiral is much older. So, their families visited with one another. Rihannsu have families too, ya know. "...capable of great tenderness..." was an onscreen line describing the Roms. Just showing that, is all.

Aaaaaaaaand... they're off!
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The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

2288

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #65 on: June 23, 2008, 08:24:28 pm »
OK, good. I didn't miss anything...like when I read 3/4 of the way thru Larry's comic story without it noticing that the colonel was female...despite it being specificly mentioned like 30 times or better.

I kinda thought that might be the line you were refering to.

As for Hdien and the admiral, the way you wrote the last part made it seem as thought they might even be father and son. But I guess extended family would work too.

MORE!!

--guv!!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #66 on: December 30, 2008, 08:13:27 pm »
* B U M P *

Can you guess why? *grin*
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

2288

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: White Star: Episode One - Brave New World
« Reply #67 on: July 15, 2009, 09:28:37 am »
Bump. I mean it this time.
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

2288

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: White Star: Episode One - Brave New World
« Reply #68 on: April 26, 2011, 04:33:13 pm »
No, I really really mean it this time!

This one is complete, but a reminder for all. :)
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

2288

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: White Star: Episode One - Brave New World
« Reply #69 on: April 30, 2011, 10:52:47 pm »
Never did get around to reading the end of this, and as Sethan once said to me, this wasn't a story, this was an introduction.  Great job making me want to see what the crew heads off into and whether or not furious interpersonal rivalries will develop, though as I've already said more than once, I think the commander's tolerance for bullsh*t is somewhat low.;)

I've got nothing in particular to say that hasn't been said already.  Kinda wonder what like on the police ship will be like for Kai, though.  Not in a 'hope he does all right way', more in a 'watching the car crash' kind of way.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight