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Topic: White Star: Episode One - Brave New World  (Read 25945 times)

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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2007, 09:42:45 pm »
I haven't had so much satisfaction in reading someone else's writing in a long time.  Thank you.
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2007, 11:51:32 pm »
XO needs to learn when to be serious and when to relax a bit... I would have probably told them to keep it low and to lock it up as soon as the door started to open....

I like though :)
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2007, 11:52:31 pm »
AH!

That made me happy... Now for the XO to grow some balls. Slap that weapons officer down a notch or two.

Don't expect me to remember ANY of these names, though. I'm doing good to remember that the CO's looks kinda like Adrian...

I'm all for showing differences in culture and making it well known that the aliens are not human. But those old Rihannsu novels never did that for me. They mostly just bored the piss out of me. Making names overly elaborate didn't help this. Your story, on the other hand, has meat to it. I actually give a damn how your captain goes about his business, because you've made it interesting. I found very few DD or DC Trek books that accomplished this.

Feed me more!

--thu guv!
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2007, 01:08:59 am »
Ah yeahhh.  That's the Andy I know!  Not two chapters into the story and we already know which members of the crew hate each other's guts.  Unlike your Feddie stories, though, we have a CO who probably won't tolerate any....nonsense...

This is going to be fun.
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Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2007, 04:25:37 am »
Ah there is nothing like a fight to make this untempered steel into a weapon! I just hope he gets one soon, or he'll have many troubles on his hands.
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2007, 02:06:10 pm »
Boy did I ever get the warm fuzzies from reading your comments! Thank you so much!

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I haven't had so much satisfaction in reading someone else's writing in a long time.  Thank you.

Thank you, Rommie. I had a big happy grin on my face like you wouldn't believe after reading this little gem! I am very pleased you liked it. That chapter was my spontaneous, "it poured out of me" section. I now have to decide where I want to go next with these characters and this story.

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XO needs to learn when to be serious and when to relax a bit
- Tus
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Now for the XO to grow some balls. Slap that weapons officer down a notch or two.
- Guv
I'm wondering if I should keep these two as they are, and have them be the comedy relief for this voyage. Kinda like La'ra and L'dar bickering, but with exaggerated snarkiness. Yes/no? It's not really about growing balls, I think. The XO is quite vocal in her efforts. They just don't respect her. So, how does an ineffectual Rommie XO earn respect?

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Don't expect me to remember ANY of these names, though. I'm doing good to remember that the CO's looks kinda like Adrian...

When I read the CO's name, I hear "h-Dee-an". Probably wrong, but... ;D

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Your story, on the other hand, has meat to it. I actually give a damn how your captain goes about his business, because you've made it interesting.

Hurrah! Did my job right! *jerks around in a poor imitation of this video:
*

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Ah yeahhh.  That's the Andy I know!

Lol... didn't realise internal conflict was my 'style'. :D

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This is going to be fun.

I sure hope so. I certainly enjoyed writing this chapter.

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Ah there is nothing like a fight to make this untempered steel into a weapon! I just hope he gets one soon, or he'll have many troubles on his hands.

Grim, I think he's established his dominion pretty well with that little stunt. He'd better just get out of dry-dock before t`Raeteol's supporters kick him back onto the ship!
I think I'll have this new guy throw his weight around. It's always been my opinion that Rom commanders have a lot of latitude in running their commands. A huge array of awards and punishments are available for him to choose from within the Regs, and nasty types always find ways of being even nastier. My guy's going to use his latitude.

Next up: a promotion for our Cryppie? A slapdown or pep talk for our Exec? A promotion or slapdown for our Weaps? Who knows what'll fall out my head next!
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2007, 02:21:47 pm »
Quote from: Scottish Andy on November 07, 2007, 02:06:10 pm
I'm wondering if I should keep these two as they are, and have them be the comedy relief for this voyage. Kinda like La'ra and L'dar bickering, but with exaggerated snarkiness. Yes/no? It's not really about growing balls, I think. The XO is quite vocal in her efforts. They just don't respect her. So, how does an ineffectual Rommie XO earn respect?

No one is ineffectual if they actually care and try to change.  I think the problem is the XO takes her job too serously.  There is a time and a place to be hardass, she hasn't learned that yet.  Though I'll tell ya one thing, the more she yells the more i would just tune her out, its the quickest way to loose subordinates IMHO.  I also suspect that she has let her job go to her head a bit, and in doing so hasn't shown the respect due to others, and inturn is getting disrespect back.  Sounds to me that she is going to need a little heart to heart chat with the CO not to long into this voyage where he gives her feedback and gets her on the right path (maybe relate to her past expierences).  Frankly if she doesn't turn around and figure out how to get things done her career will be mighty short.
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Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2007, 05:53:05 pm »
Hrmn....

Well, first off, I was reading it as Ha-DEE-an... The surnames I have trouble with pronouncing. Fhqwhgads was hard (and funny) enough to hear/say. Hopefully, there will be more clues as to who is who. I've kinda been just glazing over the names. :-[

Ye Olde Toure of ye Shipe, eh? Not too bad. Hinted even at possible romance, nice touch. Someone's going to get a spankin' outa that whole deal. Daddy spankin' CM? Daddy spankin' new CO? Or, not appropriate for sensitive readers? Time will tell.

There was some nay-saying about using White Star as the ship name. In this case, the name seems to fit the ship. As long as there isn't something like in B5, White Star 136, we should be fine. Seems like something a survey ship might find.

XO problems, eh? I'm with Tus on this issue, I don't think the XO has learned the finer points of command yet. Personal experience, along with some training, clearly shows the entire "respect" thing. She doesn't have to like anyone, but she does have to work with them, and rely upon them to do their job. If she tried to earn their respect, they'd be more likely to show the same in return. As for the Weps, its seems more like "How many buttons can I push", like a child with a new babysitter, seeing what they can get away with.

I didn't realize that the Rihanies were different from regular Romulans. I'll have to look into that to get the better background.

No, I won't do a complete breakdown of each chapter as it rolls out of your head, but I'll try to let you know I've at least read the bugger. I'll also try to get any comments in on it before you make your appearance and comment back, minimizing the amount of postings you might have to make.

Czar "Seriously, who Andyproofs Andy?" Mohab

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2007, 09:42:41 pm »
Yes, indeed. The CO's name reads more like H-Dee-An. But as I know no one with such a name, my mind automatically refers it to Adrian. It's a lil' trick I learned to make stories quicker and easier to read, especially when hard to remember names are used all the time.

Were I your XO and IF I had a Wep Officer who wanted to verbally slit my throat infront of the other officers, I'd have already handed him his liver. Her failing seems to me to have allowed it to come to the point where he feels cofortable/justified in doing this at all. Possibly this is because she doesn't know when to yell/over react. More likely, she just allowed him too much leeway in the past and it got out of hand. But then... every situation is different.

I'm looking forward to more!

--thu guv!
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2007, 01:37:52 am »
Your XO reminds me of this guy: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0021124/
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #30 on: November 08, 2007, 01:24:58 pm »
You know, you're exactly right, Rommie. I'd always wanted to see that movie, it looks like it suits my sense of humour. My one is not played for such heavy laughs, and I'm kinda thinking this'll get straightened out fairly soon, one way or the other.

Thanks for the other comments, I am taking everything on board. As a survey ship, I have more cargo space than usual for weird ploy ideas. ;)
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #31 on: November 08, 2007, 11:34:03 pm »
That movie was surprisingly engaging...
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #32 on: November 09, 2007, 12:04:32 pm »
Egad.  I go away to NaNoWriMo for a week and suddenly everyone starts posting. 
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2007, 01:09:06 pm »
You're on NaNo? I did that 2 years ago... kinda. Got a whole bunch of started/unfinished stories from that ;D
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2007, 02:27:01 pm »
Quote from: kadh2000 on November 09, 2007, 12:04:32 pm
Egad.  I go away to NaNoWriMo for a week and suddenly everyone starts posting. 

... and then everyone stopped posting after you finally showed back up.  That's the kind of thing that will give someone a complex, ya' know.   :o
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2007, 10:56:45 pm »
I check in every nite, usually to find nothing going on.

This makes me sad... :(

--guv :-\
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Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #36 on: January 07, 2008, 10:24:30 pm »
Hi all, I'm working on a bridge between the two sections of what I have written, so I have a question.

To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

I need to know what is reasonable or expected before I can play around with it for a child of privilege.

Any donations gratefully received.
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #37 on: January 08, 2008, 09:45:06 pm »
Quote from: Scottish Andy on January 07, 2008, 10:24:30 pm
To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

Well i'm not a navy guy, but i would imagine that he would be reporting to both personnel and the CO (probably CO first as imagine he would be pissed.  Personnel after whatever action they decide to get a new assignment).  There would most likely be some sort of punitive action, the minimum i would think would involve an Article 15 (the highest form of non-judicial punishiment) which can do a bunch of things to a person (probation, restriction, pay reduction, other fun little things that the CO may think of...minus reduction in rank for officers which does not happen.  Officers hold an office to which they cannot be removed except by separation).  for the US military an Article 15 for an officer is pretty much a career ender.  If the base CO (I don't think the subcommander can do this, i'm not sure though) wished he could procede with what we call an Article 32 hearing, which essential brings forth all the facts of the case.  The commander would then decide whether he wished to proceed with Court martial.  I'm a bit rusty, but I think you can only do one or the other, not both .  Basically if you give the guy an Article 15 he can't be brought up on charges until a further date (end of probationary period, if he doesn't meet the requirements he can be formally charged).  Now the GCM can decide to do non-judicial punishments, but as mentioned before its one or the other, not both at the same time. In most cases you will see alot of non-judicial punishment as some things there simply is not enough to take to trial for, so the article 15 provides documentation for that further down the road.  However I would imagine his flagrant disrespect for his superiors might warrant a courth martial, which could lead to a dishonarable discharge and possibly prison time.

BTW I am not expert and this is all off the top of me head. i've had many lessons on this but i might not be rememberin right.

« Last Edit: January 08, 2008, 10:15:08 pm by Tus »
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Offline Tus-XC

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #38 on: January 08, 2008, 10:10:22 pm »
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Offline Vipre

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Re: Brave New World
« Reply #39 on: January 09, 2008, 07:14:32 am »
Quote from: Scottish Andy on January 07, 2008, 10:24:30 pm
To those of you serving in the military (and any others who might know), what would be the procedure/protocol for the "disembarked" comms master? Would he have to report to the Starbase/Shipyard CO? Or just the base personnel officer? What would happen where they end up? Disciplinary hearing? Court martial?

I need to know what is reasonable or expected before I can play around with it for a child of privilege.

I'd suggest not taking any answers letter for letter. It's not so much "how would our military handle it" but how would the Romulans. The kid is stuck up and feels a sense of entitlement which appears to be acknowledged by everyone except the main character. I'd imagine he'd head straight for a com station and contact his father as he doesn't seems to care about procedure enough to follow it in the first place. Consider treating him like minor nobility, no one takes him seriously, no one respects him but they let him run wild because his father is powerful or has connections. The chain of command might also be unlikely to enact any disiplanary action for fear of his father's power. Maybe they sweep it under the rug and quietly reassign him.

Anyone remember that snobbish officer who presided over the hearing at the end of Men of Honor? How about "The Rat" from the Stronghold game?
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